The Reason Is You
by theonewhoburnedthesun
Summary: Everyone has their own way of dealing with problems. Edward Cullen is an addict, and new girl Bella Swan has her own way of dealing. Can these two help each other find their way back from their darkest hour? Was Redeeming All That's Left-please reread!
1. Chapter 1 Meeting Her

**The Reason**

_Formally known as "Redeeming All That's Left"_

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PLEASE READ: I have really revamped this story (really) I changed somethings, to make it better, including the title!! I would appreciate it if you completely reread it and reviewed it again. If you haven't read it before, this is a really fabulous read:

_Edward and Bella are two completely different people--but they share one thing. They hurt, and they have their own ways of dealing with that hurt. Can they help each other heal from their previous pain?_

**My idea, Stephenie Meyer's characters. Enjoy.**

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**Edward Cullen POV**

**Meeting Her**

"I don't know where we went wrong," they say. They always say. Who's to say anything went wrong, doesn't stuff just happen? I mean, they think the world revolves around everything they say or do, do or say. Especially when it comes to me. Every time they catch me smoking a joint, or getting drunk in my room—they automatically assume they did something. _They_, as in my family.

Esme, the model mother. Of course I would never tell her, but she never did anything wrong. All she did was love me. Though every time she'd come to the principal's office, I could hear here break down into tears—wishing she could go back and help me. No one could help me now.

Carlisle, my father. For a doctor, he was around a lot—despite how I do actually blame him for being an absent Dad. I find him in his study late at night, his hands in his face. Dr. Carlisle Cullen couldn't save me from, quote, "the path I have chosen." Nor could he help me.

Alice and Emmett, my rule-abiding siblings. They could do no wrong…well they didn't do anything wrong. Ever. Carlisle told them that if they couldn't follow my example, they could at least do the opposite. But Alice's selfless attempts to bring me back, whatever that meant, were all in vain. Not even my hyperactive, loving sister could help me.

The Edward Anthony Cullen that used to live in this vessel is gone. And now, the druggie, the alcoholic, the trouble-maker, the straight F student named Edward Cullen inhabits. No one can help me, no one can save me. I'm in too deep, I'm too dead inside to heal. I have already leaked into oblivion. Only a miracle can bring me back. And there is no such thing.

It was about nine o'clock, and I lay in bed. My burning cigarette sat in the ash tray on my bed stand—calling for me. I picked it up, placing it between two fingers. I whiffed it, my lungs filling with the addictive, fulfilling smoke. I sighed in relief, and set it back down.

I figured Esme would be pissed if I didn't go to school _at all_—I figured I'd make it sometime after lunch, check in and stay for one class, ditch, and hang out with the guys. I got up, took a nice hot shower, letting the dry smell of smoke and beer wash off with it.

I combed my hair, knowing it would naturally curl into the untidy mess it'd always been. Girls seemed to like it—so what the hell right?

I stuffed a pack of cigarettes in my pocket, and heard my phone ringing that annoying bell-ish ring tone. The one Alice assigned to her number. I smirked, and flipped the phone.

"What is angel-child doing calling me during school hours," I teased harshly. She sighed over the other line.

"I'm in the ladies room. I'm just making sure…."

"I'm still alive?" I interrupted.

"Um, well, that too. I wanted to know if you were awake."

"Well, I am. Can I hang up on you now?"

"No! Just wait. Are you coming today?" She sounded hopeful. I may be an ass at times, but I really did love my sister, not matter how much she annoyed me. I wasn't one to tear down her hopes.

"Yeah, I'm coming for lunch, then after 3rd period I'm leaving," I told her nonchalantly.

"Will you sit with us? Please, Edward, I'd really love to talk to you for more than five seconds. It's been so long."

"I'm talking to you now aren't I?" I spat, walking out the front door, wedging my cell between my ear and shoulder as I stuffed a pack of cigarettes in my pocket.

"Please?"

"I'll think about it," I said, flipping the phone shut. I climbed into the driver's seat—lighting a joint. I inhaled smoothly, letting the sweet sensation fill my body for a short moment. It had become more of an addiction rather than a pleasure. The little pleasure I did feel was short lived.

But with the drugs—heroin to be specific—it always lasted. It let me escape the world I was in…it let me forget everything I'd gone through.

As I pulled into the parking lot of my personal purgatory—Forks High—I took the last of my breaths of smoke. I dropped the bud, and I watched as it fell to the ground. Before it blew away with the wind, I squashed it with my foot. Though nothing could probably catch on fire because it was so wet—I always did it out of habit.

I walked into school, checking my watch to see that it was lunch time. Yay, mystery meat.

I grabbed a package of French fries, and started my way across the lunch room, girls eyes turning as I walked by. I smiled slightly, knowing that their eyes were always on me. I walked straight to Emmett and Alice's table, not really paying attention to who their guest today was. I sat down next to Alice's familiar spiky black hair, and she turned around to look at me. Stunned.

"So you grace us with your presence, little brother," Emmett laughed, kicking my feet under the table.

"Thank you," Alice whispered under her breath—once again full with hope. "By the way, you smell horrible." Emmett let out a hallow laugh.

"Look who's talking. I can't understand how Jasper can even stand to be around you—or kiss you rather," I murmured. She frowned, and spun back around in her seat, leaning in to Jasper's arms. He either whispered, "You smell fine," or "You smell like grime." I took my pick.

Across the room, I saw a girl stumble—apparently over her two feet. I chuckled lightly, and then her embarrassed gaze met mine.

She had the most amazing set of milk-chocolate eyes. Her lips were full, almost as crimson as her blushed face. She looked away from me very quickly, but I didn't look away from her. She was slim, but her figure was so flattering—her hips curving like water. Her caramel hair hung over her shoulders, wavy but neat.

"What are you smiling about?" Alice peeped. Smiling? Oh, no wonder she looked so embarrassed. I was gaping a smile at her. I quickly relaxed my face and stuffed a handful of French fries in my mouth. After a few seconds, the girl sat down by Rosalie, Emmett's girlfriend and Jasper's sister.

"Hey Bella!" Alice chimed as she sat down. She smiled slightly, her cheek a little swollen. This girl was new…she was so different. "You already met Rosalie. The big teddy bear sitting next to her is Emmett, her boyfriend and my brother. This is Jasper," she leaned on to Jasper again. Uck. "And…this is Edward," she muttered, then staring down at her plate. I was the disappointment—I never got introduced as "Edward, my brother," or "Edward, my son." Whatever.

"Nice to meet you Emmett, Jasper. Edward." It felt weird when I finally heard her voice, like something in my head just clicked. And the way her lips wrapped around my name made my heart stutter just the slightest.

"You're new," I murmured to Bella. She blushed a little and nodded.

"Oh yes, Captain Obvious!" Emmett bellowed. Rosalie jabbed in him the ribs. "Ouch."

"What brings you to the most depressing place on the planet?" I asked her. Alice shot a glare at me.

"I…moved in with my Dad. Chief Swan." Oh. Completely off limits, I shouldn't even be talking to her in fear of insulting her. I might be arrested for _as_saulting her.

"Cool." Everyone stared at me with wide eyes, except for Bella who was messing with her food. I glanced at her every few seconds, just so I could memorize her face. "Bye." I said quickly.

"Where are you going?" Alice demanded, catching me by the hem of my shirt.

"Ditching. I'll be back later," I promised her, she nodded and released me.

What was it about Bella? She wasn't the first girl I'd found so attractive, but why did she have such a deepening affect on me? Then I thought of all the details: mahogany hair, full lips, curvy hips, big brown eyes….

I stopped myself. She was Charlie's daughter…he hated me. I caused him a lot of trouble since…the incident. Vandalism, drugs, buying cigarettes illegally—the list went on and on. I hadn't been charged with anything—yet—but I knew I'd be in for it if he even knew I'd taken an interest in Bella.

I hid under the bleachers and lit a cigarette. I inhaled deeply, the humid air making the smoke even heavier on my lungs. I let out a soft cough.

"That's bad for you, you know," a bellish voice whispered from beside me. The cigarette dropped from my hand, then in a split second under my foot.

"I do it because it makes me look cool." The obvious thought among most when they see a teenager smoking. I looked into her sincere eyes, glimmering with smugness.

"I doubt that. You probably are just trying to kill yourself, right?"

"Caught me." I sighed, and then looked at her. "You don't look like the ditching type, what are you doing out here?"

"I skip now and then," she said casually. "Your family is so nice. Alice thinks the world of you." So Alice had told her about the sullen Cullen. Maybe I didn't give her enough credit.

"Ha!" I scoffed.

"Emmett is completely annoyed by you. Said you might end up being killed by a drug dealer." Oh, Emmett. Always one to joke about my death. But I'd have to hit him for talking like that about Bella. "But Alice, she's very worried. She was really depressed when you left earlier."

"Alice tries to fix things that are too broken to fix," I muttered. I pulled out a mint and popped it in my mouth. Drown out the tar smell.

After I said that, Bella grimaced. Did I really smell that bad?

"Bella, you should go. You might find yourself regretting spending time with me." Did I just threaten her? Stupid, stupid, Edward. I mentally smacked myself.

"Is that a threat or a promise?" she whispered, almost seductively. Seductively? I couldn't know the difference between Bella's tease or…flirt…could I? I thought I was losing my mind.

This little girl was making me lose my mind.

"Ah, I'd like to say neither. Just a helpful tip from your local menace. Oh, and don't tell your Dad I have smokes, 'kay?"

"Wasn't going to." She looked innocently at me, and then walked back inside the school. I couldn't help but watch her—she wasn't graceful at all. The opposite actually. I found myself laughing as she stumbled her way into the school.

About an hour passed, most of it spent thinking of Bella. The way her voice sounded, the way she smiled slyly. The way she teased. Her looks hit me the hardest. I had once thought to myself she wasn't the first girl I'd found attractive.

Not that the fact that I'd found many attractive girls…enticing…was a lie—it was just the _way_ I found Bella attractive. For the first time, I had been overcome by an undeniable attraction—that wasn't _physical, _per say. I didn't feel the need to be with her in the way I'd been with the others. She didn't deserve that. She was pretty, no doubt. But she seemed smart and witty too. She couldn't or shouldn't be tricked, seduced, or taken advantage of. No, she was too good for that.

I glanced at my watch, realizing that the hall break before next period had begun. It was the last class of the day, thankfully. Esme would be pleased that I finally showed up.

I walked into the classroom—automatically seeing the most wonderful face sitting at the usually empty seat. The seat next to mine. I smiled widely, and she pointed to the empty seat next to her with a stunned expression. I nodded with a devilish smile. She let out a deep sigh—both of us knew it was going to be a very long class period.

Oh how I wanted to annoy her to death—see her reactions to everything I did. I started by slamming my books down on the desk. She jumped up in her seat, her hand clenched to the side of the table.

"Hello, Isabella," I said with a British accent. She grimaced at her name. Ah, a way to annoy her. "I guess we're going to be partners for the rest of the year," I mumbled. She blushed a little.

"Oh, joy. Maybe I'll get lucky and you'll skip this class." Her face was a red as an apple, but emotionless. I flipped open my textbook, the wind brushing through Bella's mahogany hair. She clenched even tighter to the table.

"Nobody is that lucky." I started doodling in my notebook—drawing little hearts with 'Isabella' on the inside. This was going to be a wonderful year. I saw her body stiffen as I used my fanciest script with her name—and out of the corner of my eye, I saw hers widen. The chocolate irises swirled in incredulity. I chuckled lightly.

"Stop that," she whispered viciously. I slowly started to erase the little hearts from my paper—when I realized that it was my essay. I decided to leave one heart on my paper and go ahead and write 'Swan' in the heart.

"Okay class," Stacy Whitman called as she began to pick up essays down the aisles. "As you know, you had to write an essay on the book we read in class. I will be taking it. Except for you Miss Swan." Bella nodded, and then saw the big heart with her name in it flow across her desk in to Stacy's hands.

"Nice of you to join us, Mr. Cullen," she mumbled as she examined the paper—her eyes widening as she glanced over it.

"I have my reasons for attending Stacy," I said slyly, then winking at Bella. Bella was smoldering with anger, and as soon as Stacy was behind us a few rows—she jabbed my in the ribs wither her elbow. Really hard for a girl….

"Ow," I whined in a baby voice. Then Stacy started her lecture.

Bella was glaring at the table, the unknown tendons stretching through her translucent skin. She scribbled something on a piece of paper and pushed it to my desk.

'_What is your PROBLEM?!?'_ She demanded. I smiled.

_'Leave me alone!!!!!! :P'_ I wrote back.

"Is there something you'd like to share on that piece of paper, Miss Swan?" Oh no, she was going to get in trouble. She probably deserved it for ruining my fun—but I couldn't let the new girl to take the blame. I'm at least that much of a gentleman.

"Sorry, Stacy—I've been giving Bella hard time. As you can tell," I handed her the piece of paper. "Bella demanded that I should leave her alone." She nodded as she read the paper, and then glared at me. "I know the drill, don't worry." I waved her off, and she sighed and returned to her droning lecture.

After class, Bella turned to me innocently. The crease in her eyebrows conveyed the highest level of incredulity.

"I don't…understand." She looked down, her cheeks flowing red.

"I'm not as evil as I may seem. Besides, what is one more detention that I'm going to skip anyways going to do to me?" She looked up to me. I answered for her, "Nothing." I picked up my books, and walked out of the classroom—not regretting my courtesy to Bella, but regretting every uncontrollable thought I had of her afterwards.

"Dude, you seen the new girl? She is smokin'!" Ray yelled as he leaned against his worn down mustang. He saw me approaching, and waved his hand. "You seen her?"

"Yes," I said curly. He made a sizzling sound, 'ssssssss' and I felt my fist tighten at my side. He shouldn't be talking about her like that—total animal. But I had to deal with his not so subtle immaturity to get what I needed.

"You got it?" he asked quieter now, the other guys—Ernie, Jack, and Pat—silent and hesitant. I nodded as I pulled a wad of cash from my pocket. I slid the cash into his hand as he handed me my addictive little package. I sighed as I stuck it in my pocket.

"See ya', Ray." I climbed into my car and ditched. For the first time, I felt guilty for my most recent drug purchase. And the only factor of my life that had changed was the knowledge of Bella existing. This was defiantly going to be a problem.


	2. Chapter 2 Meeting Him

Enjoying it so far? I hope so. Reminder, this story has been changed and corrected, so if you have already read, please reread to get a better experience. Story name was formally "Redeeming All That's Left" now The Reason.

**My idea, Stephenie Meyer's characters. Enjoy.**

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Bella Swan**

** Meeting Him  
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So, my first day at Forks High School didn't go exactly according to plan.

It all began when I entered the threshold, being completely bombarded by the tall senior boys. Some whistled, and I noticed some whispering. At first I thought, 'wow, I was never paid this much attention in Phoenix.' But as my first class ended, I'd realized that I was just another sampling, another "choice" to pick from for the boys. I looked decent, but I wasn't beautiful.

I was on my way to 2nd period when some tall girl with curly red hair tripped me. She giggled a little, and then walked away with her clique. But—for once in my life—something went right. A little pixyish girl with spiky black hair came over and helped me up.

"Hi! I'm Alice!" she chimed enthusiastically. I smiled sheepishly as I picked my books up. She was still there. _Remember how to react with humans Bella?_

"Bella, Bella Swan." I shook her hand loosely, but then quickly let go. I never liked making contact with anyone.

"You're the new girl of course. Sit with me and my friends at lunch, okay? We sit on the far side." I nodded. I had never had such little conversation with someone before and then became automatically invited to lunch.

"Thanks," I murmured before I walked to class.

I walked into the classroom, and my teacher, Mr. Frankie, signed my slip with a smile. I sat in a desk in the back of the room—and was thankful that the desk next to me was empty as well. Freedom. Freedom to think, freedom to stray away from consciousness.

Before I knew it, the bell had already rung. I walked slowly to the lunch room, decisively watching where I put my feet—and where other people put theirs. I absently gathered my lunch, and then searched the room for Alice's familiar cropped black hair. I found it, and she was hopping up and down in her seat. She had friends. Nice looking ones too, they all seemed to be couples. Alice had a boy with honey-blond hair's arm wrapped around her, and then on the other side of the table—an older couple seemed to be enjoying each other's presences.

But there was one, sitting on the other side of Alice, who eyed me suspiciously. He had no one sitting next to him—I thought about who he might be. I suddenly made the connection that this must be one happy family sitting next to each other. It must have been Alice's brother.

I blushed a little when his eyes didn't leave my body. His bronze untidy hair whipping in the air as he chuckled slightly. I blushed even more. And I was sure the blood in my veins was about to rip out when I began to inevitably stumble my own two feet. I had no equilibrium. Suddenly his huge smile disappeared, replaced with a mouthful of French fries. I had become the laughing stalk of my new school, surely.

I set my tray down across from Alice, next to the gorgeously beautiful blond. I smiled sheepishly once again, shaking my hand under the table with her. "Rosalie," she whispered with a smile. I noticed that, who I had come to discover irrefutably handsome, the boy who was laughing as I walked across the lunch room was staring at me like I had a spider on my head. I blushed a little as his dark green eyes watched me attentively.

"Hey Bella!" Alice chimed lightly. I smiled a little in her direction. The extent of my smile made my sore cheek tingle with pain. Damn them so-low door frames. "You already met Rosalie," she gestured to the smiling goddess-like woman, who was probably a senior. "And the big teddy sitting next to her is her boyfriend Emmett, and my brother." She leaned affectionately to the honey blond haired boy and muttered tenderly, "this is Jasper." She stared down at the table and murmured, "And…this is Edward." She didn't seem too excited to introduce the most intriguing character at the table. I looked at him, his mouth turned slightly up in a half smile. His eyes still watched me strangely.

"Nice to meet you Emmett, Jasper. Edward." The way my mouth fit around his name almost made me shudder. It was like the ribbon on an extravagant present—it lets you know there is something special inside. The feeling was strange, but I shook it off.

I stared down at my plate, still seeing Edward's eyes watching me tentatively through my peripheral vision. His lips stuttered a little, and then he spoke.

"You're new," he murmured. His voice was so soft. It didn't fit his appearance at all—which since he was speaking to me I had a chance to examine.

He wore a soft leathery black jacket—under it just a plain white tee. He wore worn out blue jeans, the style meaning to look like he'd been mauled by a lion. And his face…was so good-looking. His cheek bones were pronounced, but his soft skin was illuminated by the kind of ragged-shaved chin. I could tell his reputation automatically. Bad boy.

I nodded a little, and blushed by my new found discoveries of his _pleasant appearance_.

"Oh yes, Captain Obvious!" Emmett bellowed. Rosalie jabbed in him the ribs. "Ouch."

"What brings you to the most depressing place on the planet?" he asked teasingly—but with true sincerity and curiosity in his tone. Hearing his voice made my heart flutter in my chest. Alice turned to look at him, glowering.

"I…moved in with my Dad." I choked on my own lungs just to watch his face. "Chief Swan," I added quickly. Everyone at the table nodded—seeing the connection. Edward's brows furrowed, almost in disappointment.

"Cool," he said briskly. I saw everyone turn to look at him. Was this abnormal behavior for him? It seemed so, but I just fiddled with my food. I'd catch him glancing at me occasionally, but not in the same interest as before. I'd lost his interest—I was just a shiny new toy that's newness had worn off. Just like with everyone else, and hopefully with all the boys at this school. I sighed.

Out of the blue, Edward hopped up and said, "Bye." Alice abruptly caught him by the edge of his shirt.

"Where are you going?" she hissed. Edward smiled slyly.

"Ditching." He tugged at his shirt a little. "I'll be back later," he assured her. It was almost soothing the way he spoke to her. Alice nodded and reluctantly released his shirt. I watched him curiously as he walked out the back door of the lunch room. I was dumbstruck—having no idea how he could have had any effect on me at all.

"That was strange," Rosalie muttered finally. Everyone nodded.

"I'm sorry about my brother, he can be a little of a pig. He didn't always used to be like that," Alice said sorrowfully. Jasper leaned over and kissed her on the forehead—and it felt like someone had just stabbed me in the heart with a serrated knife—and with every second it felt like it was twisting inside me. I choked on my breath, and then thought of the confusingness of Edward to get the pain off my mind. "He's my twin, you know. He was so great—still is I think. He just has a shell protecting him from something." She shook her head.

"Nobody knows what happened," Jasper said emotionlessly as he held Alice tighter. "Used to be my best friend. My own brother. But then one day, he just changed…and everything got gradually worse." Everyone sighed.

"First grades started slipping, even though he is brilliant," Emmett said—even his humorous glaze fading away. "Then the cigarettes. Then the beer…then drugs." I gasped. I thought of him more of a trouble maker—not an addict. I guess it was possible to be one in the same. Now that I looked back at the image of him in my mind—his eyes did kind of have a veil over them. Could he have been high? Stoned? Drunk even? Guess I could never know.

"Probably going to get killed by a drug dealer," Emmett added on.

"Emmett!" Alice screamed as she kicked him under the table. He whimpered. "I've tolerated him better than anyone. I call him at school sometimes to make sure he's…awake. I look after him—because I know that I can help him. Nobody is ever in too deep." I wanted to comfort Alice, knowing she was probably hurting due to Edward's hiding pain. What could have happened to Edward? Could it possibly as bad as what happened to me…the incident? Ah. I needed to speak to him.

"I'm going to go," I murmured, taking my lunch to the trash. Alice followed behind me.

"Bella," she pleaded in a whisper, "Edward seemed genuinely interested in you. Don't let his sly charm fool you—he is a player. Just…don't let your life entwined in his. That girl who tripped you in the hallway, Tanya, she got involved with Edward in the early stages of his…stuff. It was her choice, but I think Ed influenced her a lot. Just be careful." I nodded lightly. I just needed, I had to, see him.

I wandered around the unfamiliar school grounds, the foggy-humid air making it hard to breathe. Just that much harder. Half-hidden behind the bleacher on the football field was that familiar black leather jacket. I decided to play a sort of tease on him.

I crept up behind him, noticing he was smoking—placing the cigarette between two fingers and inhaling a deep breath. He coughed out a little cloud of smoke.

"That's bad for you, you know," I whispered slightly. It was hilarious how he flinched, dropped and smashed the cigarette with his foot, and looked at me innocently in a matter of seconds. Then he had that, 'oh, it's just you,' look plastered on his face. He twisted his lips uncomfortably.

"I do it because it makes me look cool." He smiled awkwardly. I smiled along, feeling smug.

"I doubt that. You probably are just trying to kill yourself, right?" I had no idea where that came from—I'd just morphed into a new person entirely. Though this guy was in all intents and purposes—a junkie—I had never been more comfortable around a man for the longest time.

"Caught me," he murmured. He let out a long deviated sigh. ""You don't look like the ditching type, what are you doing out here?" He was right, I don't skip. I did sometimes…when it hurt too much to live through an hour and a half of droning. I sometimes had things to take care of—a broken heart to tend to.

"I skip now and then." Good enough an answer as any. "Your family is so nice. Alice thinks the world of you." He looked genuinely shocked. Maybe he didn't think he deserved to be thought of.

"Ha!" I felt my face twist uncontrollably.

"Emmett is completely annoyed by you. Said you might end up being killed by a drug dealer." I chuckled at the thought—though the conversation was meant to be serious. "But Alice, she's very worried. She was really depressed when you left earlier."

"Alice tries to fix things that are too broken to fix," he muttered, staring at the ground. I grimaced, he didn't know the level of caring she had for him. For God's sake she loved him—loved him enough to worry, to _try_ to fix him. He didn't really know how good he had it. He popped a mint in his mouth.

"Bella," when he said my name, my heart jumped inside me with joy, "you should go. You might find yourself regretting spending time with me." Did I hear right or did he just threaten me? Surely not, the switch in mood wasn't right I thought he was teasing. So I decided to tease back.

"Is that a threat or a promise," I whispered. I shocked myself. Had I just flirted with him? The classic line, the obvious flirt. I desperately wanted to retract it, but he seemed to think it was a joke too. Who was I becoming around this boy? He absently, almost nervously ran his hand through his perfect hair—his eyes crazily gleaming with anxiety.

"Ah, I'd like to say neither. Just a helpful tip from your local menace. Oh, and don't tell your Dad I have smokes, 'kay?" I wasn't planning on it…hadn't even been thinking about anything but him. But I decided to respond even though my heart was wordless.

"Wasn't going to." I tried to look as sincere as possible. I turned to walk back inside the school—stumbling all the way. Of course he was laughing, but I thought it'd be best if I didn't look back to see it.

I sat down in my next class, noticing that his desk too was empty. I thought I'd been given the gift of another chance at freedom, but my prayers were cut short when the most recognizable person swayed into the room. He had the most devious smile on his face, his eyebrow arched carefully. Oh. No.

I tentatively pointed at the empty desk next to me. He nodded devilishly. I heaved a heavy sigh…and I watched him as he approached to sit by me. I could tell that this surprisingly appealing boy was going to kill me. Almost literally. He slammed his books down on our desk—making me jump in my seat.

"Hello Isabella," he said in a strange British accent. I grimaced at my birth name. 'Bella,' I wanted to growl like usually. But something held me back. "I guess we are going to be partners the rest of the year." I felt myself blush…a whole year of someone so intimidating sitting right next to me.

"Oh, joy. Maybe I'll get lucky and you'll skip this class." The words completely contradicted my heart's reaction to his presence. He then flipped open one of his books, the wind blowing my hair in the air. I gripped tighter to the side of the table.

"Nobody is that lucky," he murmured as he started doodling on a piece of paper. I realized he was drawing little hearts with 'Isabella' on the inside. I felt my heart stop beating as my eyes widened. _Just a joke, a practical joke._

"Stop that," I hissed. He began to erase the hearts, but left on in the middle. He added 'Swan' to the heart, and my fists tightened. I didn't understand why.

"Okay class," Mrs. Whitman began. "As you know, you had to write an essay on the book we read in class. I will be taking it. Except for you Miss Swan." I nodded. I saw the piece of paper with a heart with my name on it, flow into Mrs. Whitman's hands.

No.

"Nice of you to join us, Mr. Cullen," she mumbled as she examined the paper—her eyes widening as she glanced over it. No. NO, NO, NO! She must think he likes me or something!!

"I have my reasons for attending Stacy," he replied slyly, winking at me. Did he just wink? Wink? What was wrong with him? Messing with my head…and unconsciously toying with my heart. Crap.

I elbowed him as hard as I could, and he whined, 'ow,' in an amazingly babyish voice.

I glowered at the table. I decided I would find out what his problem was.

'_What is your PROBLEM?!?' _I scribbled demandingly.

_'Leave me alone!!!!!! :P' _He replied back, smirking. Idiot. No…he wasn't. What was wrong with me!?

"Is there something you'd like to share on that piece of paper, Miss Swan?" Innocently looked up innocently at Mrs. Whitman. I was passing notes. On my first day. With a trouble-maker, attic, and confusing guy whom I had crazily mixed feelings about. Way to go, Bella. Way. To. Go.

"Sorry, Stacy—I've been giving Bella hard time. As you can tell," he handed her the piece of paper. "Bella demanded that I should leave her alone." She nodded as she read the paper, then glared at Edward. Why did he take the blame for me? "I know the drill, don't worry." He waved her off, and then I sighed deeply. The lecture continued.

After class, I turned to him as he was getting up. He paused and looked me up in down. I was confused.

"I…don't understand." I felt myself blush, and he smiled lightly—making me blush more.

"I'm not as evil as I may seem. Besides, what is one more detention that I'm going to skip anyways going to do to me?" I looked up to him. "Nothing." His lip twitched slightly as he walked away.

What was it about him that annoyed me, attracted me, made me empathize—made me feel _better_? The moment he was gone, I felt the need. I felt the need to relieve the pain in my chest—the twisting knife. And I knew just how to do it. And prayed Edward wouldn't see past my standoffish pretenses to see that I too had a way of dealing with my problems. But I tried not to flaunt it.


	3. Chapter 3 Dealing

**Sorry about how short it is!!**

Please enjoy and review anyways.

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_****Edward Cullen**

****** Dealing**_  
_

An abrupt knocking on the door—the little "skippy" rhythm an automatic signifier that Tanya was here.

I swiftly ran down the stairs, making my way to the door. Alice sat in a small couch in the living room, glaring up at me as she read her book. I smiled awkwardly as I turned the doorknob.

"Edward," she whispered seductively. That I was sure of. Her skimpy 2 inch-long shorts showing as much skin as possible—my sight immediately followed by the black tube top that seemed like would slide right off.

She smiled, her face slightly curled in a grimace—which made me step closer to her, and put my arms around her. She mimicked me, but as her hand crept down my back, I knew she had other things in mind. I chuckled.

Tanya…our relationship had always been quite strange. Middle school came—the beginning of the era of my darkness—and she was there and willing for me to take her in. We immediately became friends because she understood my reasons for doing what I did better than anyone else. Relief.

Her mother abused her, I remembered the defenseless bruised little girl who'd come running to my house when she needed some friendly comfort. It was only recently that our hormones sent us flying into the otherwise awkward state. But she was pleasant to be around.

"Want to go upstairs?" I asked her. It was always her choice—my being a somewhat of a gentlemen was all I really had nice to my name.

"Why, of course," she said curtly. I took her by the wrist and pulled her upstairs. She'd never stop smiling when I was around her—probably because I had the most access to "the goods."

We entered my semi-clean room—splattered with CDs and books. Of course the most embarrassing reads were covered with magazines, but she always understood how I was.

I immediately pulled a casing of beer out from under my bed, opening one for her and me. By the time I turned around, she'd already stripped down into her underwear. She was beautiful, attractive. But she wasn't interested in more than friend relationships, she told me. I was one lucky friend.

I brushed the unusual shock of her being half naked in my bedroom off. I'd never reacted so—stunned—before. Not stunned in an "Uh!" way, but not an overexcited way either.

We both crawled into my bed, just reminiscing our memories together—sipping out of the beer cans. Suddenly, I felt Tanya's hand brush up my shoulder, and then cupped my face. She was smiling sheepishly—a hint of worry in her eyes. This wasn't like Tanya.

"So, Edward…" she began nervously—her eyes darting away from mine. "I've been thinking. We've known each other nearly five years. I wanted to know if you have feelings for me." I had no idea what my face must have looked like—but Tanya's was frozen in the same awkward smile. My thoughts were incoherent, not truly grasping the question.

"What?" I asked quietly. She sighed.

"Do you, Edward Cullen, love me?" Love. Tanya. Tanya…love? I'd always thought of her as my closest friend—someone who I could trust with my deepest darkest secrets. Except the secret I'd hidden from everyone. But did I ever have any romantic, non-hormonal feelings about her?

"I'm sorry Tanya," I whispered apolitically. She just shook her head, and then buried her face in her hands.

"I just—can't believe it," she choked out. She was crying. I put my hand to her face to comfort her, but she flinched away throwing the most irate look at me. It ripped my heart out to see her hurting. She climbed out of bed and put her clothes back on—and I minded not to look.

"Do you love me Tanya?" I asked her, still shocked out of my own head.

"No Edward," she spat sarcastically, "I just never want to talk to you ever again because I've known you, kissed you, slept with you, did everything with you for so long. I've wasted my time…I have wasted your time."

"Tanya! You're—my friend. I'm sorry I don't see you the way you see me…but I can't lose you. You've made the…"

"Pain easier to bare?" she interrupted. "I should have known better than to let myself fall in love with you. This screwed up friendship as been all give no take. You can't even show affection you're so screwed up." It felt like she had physically stabbed me in the chest.

"I—I…" I couldn't think of anything to say that would bring her back. She hated me.

"Go find another whore you bastard. I'm all dried up—used goods, right?" she shrieked on the top of her lungs—then picking up a thick book and throwing it at me. It didn't hurt nearly as much as I did inside. The only person I'd ever confided in was gone. And there was no one left.

I pulled the package I'd purchased early that day out of my pocket—dumping it into a little saucer on my bed stand. I closed my eyes, watching my painful memories float away.

**Bella Swan**

I'd been lying in my room for hours. Just sulking.

I thought about the brooding, gorgeous Edward Cullen mostly—about the problems he had. I wondered how sympathetic he'd be if he knew what I'd been through. No, he'd probably just say 'I'm sorry,' and forget me like the countless and useless shrinks I'd seen. I learned that I don't need anyone's pity, just a little understanding. And only a handful of people knew what had happened to me, my father, Charlie, not included.

"Hey Bells," he said as he peeked into my room. I was just lying face up, staring at the patterns on my ceiling.

"Hi." I continued staring.

"Just letting you know…I'm going to do some fishing with Billy tonight. Do you want me to stay?"

"Please, no. Just go," I said dismissively. He didn't say anything—I just heard my bedroom door close. Then soon followed by the front.

Once I was alone, I couldn't help but remember. Remember the source—the hub of all that is this suffering-self.

_I heard the front door on our little Phoenix house open, and I waited completely frozen on the foot of my bed. _

I felt my breathing increase, the whole in my stomach wrenching with pain. I quickly pulled open my bed stand drawer, pulling out a little plastic bag.

_I head his footsteps beating angrily across the wooden hall floors. I knew he was coming, and Mom wasn't there to stop him. I remained frozen—my arms wrapped around me tight. I was trying to keep myself from falling apart._

I unzipped the bad, revealing the most shiny of objects. I'd told myself that I needed to stop—it was bad. But it made the hole inside me shrink—almost into oblivion. But for some reason…the hole was only getting bigger. I pulled it out, the cold metal shocking me. But I slowly and carefully rested the sharp end on my wrist. I hesitated.

_He came in, approaching me slowly. As he leaned into me, I felt myself wince at the whisky on his breath. "Oh, come on. Every time…it's always this hard." He placed his arms around me, prying my protective hold from myself. I let out a silent scream as he threw me into the bed._

"Ah!" I shrieked, and then I pressed the blade into my wrist. Sweet comfort…sweet relief. I felt the ache inside me fade as the blood oozed from my wrist. I thanked the blade, the one thing that helped me forget all that made me hesitate. It was a half life that I lived when the memories came rushing back to me. That was why I eased the pain by redirecting it elsewhere. And if I wasn't growing nauseous from the blood, I'd be growing nauseous from the memory of my sickening step-father. And with the memory of him, always came my mother.

_"Please, Mom," I pleaded quietly, she stood there in shock. She didn't believe me. "You shouldn't…take his side. I'm your daughter!" She drew her hand back, the unbelievably pain stinging in my cheek._

_ "You shouldn't be lying about him. I love him Bella! I know he'd never ever do those things." But he did. He hurt me; he stripped away everything I had to my name He took away my dignity. My _virgin_ity. I didn't say another word. I just walked away._

I swiftly pulled the blade across my wrist again, the agonizing pain fading once again. I sighed, the blood was runny—perhaps from the tears tinkling into it.

I walked to the shower, making the water as hot as it would go. I always felt better when the scorching water ran across my skin.

I stepped into the steaming stall—my skin inevitably flinching from the water. But as I let the water skid down me, I felt somehow better. The hot water searing at me—hissing as it pedaled against me. But I didn't feel cleaner.

I always had this feeling inside me—that I was tainted, used, impure—not worthy. My innocence had been unwillingly ripped away from me. All I had were the weak palpitations my damaged heart thuds out uncontrollably. The fact that I was living—the state I was living in…It was inconsistent with my willingness to live. At a time I was suicidal—but then I realized that one has to live to heal. I needed healing…but by the second I was growing wary that I could.

I held my red wrist up to the faucet, leaving a river of blood down my arm and down the drain. At least this part of me had an escape…a getaway. I had no way out. I needed to live, I was willing, but a part of me wouldn't try. The part of me that had given up.

As the bleeding began to ease—I felt one last memory creep up on me.

_I found myself in the hospital, wrapped in gauze. Mom was standing over me and…he was nowhere to be found. I'd never seen such desperation in her voice. What was wrong with her? Something about her stance, the look in her eyes—was automatically worrying._

_ "Oh, baby," she cried as she noticed me waking up. "You were in an accident. You were hit dead-on by a car." A car? Last thing I remembered was standing in the driveway… "I'm sorry. When…the doctors were examining you—" No, this couldn't be happening. I couldn't be given the peace to forget? "They saw the signs of abuse. I had no idea," she whispered. I opened my mouth to speak—but I was too weak. She put her hand to my face, but I flinched away from her touch. "Forks," she mouthed._

I fell to my knees, breaking into an uncontrollable sob. That was always how the series of memories ended—with her revelation—and my sentence. Forks. It wasn't the worst place in the world, but I'd rather be on the beach, shriveling up like a raisin in the sun.


	4. Chapter 4 Consequences

Hey guys! I'm kind of sad that I haven't had many reviews...but what ever--this story is just so fun to write. Bella and Edward just go on and on with the mixed signals. I honstly think this chapter is pretty funny. Please ejoy.

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**Chapter 4**

**Bella Swan**

I hadn't realized what six hours of sleep could do to you until now.

My eyes were puffy and swollen, my pillow case stained with my salt water tears. The ripping in my chest was eased by the soreness in my wrist—which ached like hell. Before I had gone to bed, I'd wrapped it in a wash rag to stop the bleeding. Not the pain.

I always felt guilty too. I knew it was wrong, that it's dangerous. I was intelligent enough to know that there were other ways to deal with my problems. But I knew from experience expert help didn't heal me. It made me hurt even more.

For a while I just stood and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. The purple splotches under my eyes seemed to be permanently etched in. Though thankfully nights were always dreamless—the pain seemed to tear away my most precious moments of sleep.

The red rings around my eyes stood out. I splashed some cold water on my face, rubbing it down my neck to see if I could cool myself down. Calm myself, really. But my left arm trembled with pain, the wash rag seeming to undo itself from its tie. I took it off, it defiantly needing to go in the trash do to the extensive blood. It would be hard to explain that to Charlie—being the chief of police, he'd probably think I killed someone. But it was my blood, my foul.

It looked absolutely horrible. The dried on blood had apparently blocked it from bleeding more—so I decided just to leave it there. I would have to wear a bandage to hide the cuts. I remembered when I sprang my wrist—I'd just used the ace-wrap from that unfortunate incident.

Turned out, it hid the cuts perfectly. I smiled at the fact I could endure the pain and let it still be a secret. I sighed in relief as I brushed my hair out, got dressed and grabbed backpack to head out to school

Much, very much to my surprise, Alice was idling in my drive way in her little Porsche. Rosalie was sitting in the passenger's side—and they were both waving erratically at me.

I climbed into the backseat, still confused. "How do you know where I live?" I asked Alice. She let out a bell-like chuckle.

"C'mon! It's a small town," she pressed. I just nodded, watching her smile grow wider in the rearview mirror. The short drive to school was bombarded by questions. About Phoenix. I really wanted the questions to stop—but Alice was genuinely curious. And my friend. I told her my mom sent me to Phoenix, which was the truth. But I also told her it was because Charlie was lonely. Charlie probably would have been better off with a less sulky creature moping around the house.

When we arrived at school, somehow the atmosphere was different. The sun peeked from behind the dark grey clouds—casting only a little light on the small high school. It felt nice.

"I love the sun," Rosalie said quietly as she stretched her arms into the sky. Her beautiful blond hair hung over her back like a perfect veil. I couldn't imagine how one could obtain such…beauty.

"It's nice when it doesn't rain a lot," Alice added. Her smile faded into a grimace as rain start trickling from the sky. I pulled my hood over my head and ran inside the school. The person I automatically saw first was the girl with strawberry blond hair. 'Tanya' was her name, and apparently she knew Edward. She looked different from the day she tripped me. Instead of a tight, exposing shirt—she was in a black sweater. And instead of the shorts that barely met dress code…she was wearing sweat pants. Her puffy red eyes met mine, her face twisting in a grimace. She slammed her locker shut and scampered away.

What was her problem? Alice apparently saw the question in my eyes.

"She broke up with Edward," she whispered quietly, watching Tanya run away. "Said she was wasting her time."

"That's…horrible." I looked at her, her face twisted in pain.

"I eavesdrop," she admitted. "It was terrible. Edward's, believe it or not, miserable." I couldn't imagine him…miserable.

"I was under the impression he was emotionless." I smiled lightly, and Alice elbowed me playfully.

"I know the real Edward is in there. Somewhere," she sighed. I walked to my first class, glowing with my anticipation of aloneness.

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**_A/N:(Yes, Edward Cullen is depressed...even though he's a pig for treating Tanya like that, he still thought of her as a confidon, a dear friend...)_**

**Edward Cullen**

I had no idea why I even bothered to come to school today.

For starters, I had a major hangover. I was surprised I even woke up at all. Oh yeah, because Alice made me. She was going on and on about appearances—and trying to make a life. But ignored her. She was always trying too hard to make me do things I really wanted to. Like going to school with a hangover…with drugs still in my system.

I thought about Tanya a lot. I truly didn't have any romantic feelings for her…but my intentions were never to use her. I always had the impression that we were doing each other a service by being friends with benefits. I never thought that she'd end up falling in love with me.

Because truthfully, I wasn't loveable. I had no endearing qualities. Just my looks, my wit, and a little manners. But love isn't based on those things…it should be much more. That's why I convinced myself that what Tanya had was a mixture of illogical hormones, PMS, and maybe a little infatuation. Never could I be loved…even by someone who knew me so well.

I sat in first period, my base ball cap pulled over my face. The fluorescents weren't treating me kindly. I just barley stared out from under my cap, to the desk. I only had one notebook—and it wasn't for notes. I never took notes; I always passed tests and quizzes when I was attending class to take them. Teachers just had become impatient and failed me despite my utter genius.

The seat next to me was always empty. A little freedom to me, I suppose. But today was different. I saw a pair of familiar, pale, slender legs stutter over to my desk. She placed her binder on the table top, and crossed her arms across her chest. She knew who I was. And I smirked as her hostility gave an automatic recognition.

"Isabella," I whispered softly, pulling my cap off and placing it over my heart. "Oh how I grace you with my presence today." She hardly grimaced as she turned to me.

"What is your problem?" she mimicked the same question she'd asked me the day before.

"Leave me alone!" I whined. She frowned even harder. "Sorry," I spat uncontrollably. What? Why couldn't I just let the harsh tease continue? This girl always had my brain spiraling to a pulp.

"Don't apologize when you don't mean it," she muttered. Couldn't she understand? The fact that I meant it was the problem!

"Oh, but dear Isabella—I did mean it." I smiled crookedly, and her face seemed to burst into flames…but in a sweeter way.

"I can see past lies Edward." An unexplained shock went down my spine as she said my name. What the hell was wrong with me? "Don't pretend I can't see past yours."

"If you really had an uncanny ability of spotting a liar—you'd be able to see that I'm not." The playfulness was gone. For some reason, I was determined to convince her, no—make her believe that I was not lying to her.

"Okay, for argument's sakes, you are telling the truth and you are sorry. Sorry is a way for making the one who caused the trouble feel better. Someone who is truly sorry wouldn't have done anything to be sorry about in the first place." Her words split into my chest. I knew exactly what she meant. The little boy who hurt inside me understood. But the question I was asking myself was, how she came into such great wisdom.

"I know," I said quietly—the blood in my veins pumping even harder. I wanted to smoke; no…I needed to smoke. But I had to stay with Bella. It was like I needed two things at once. But I could only have one.

"What do you mean, _I know?"_ she inquired, still scoffing at me.

"You're right. I have treated you pleasantly, annoyingly, and horribly. It pretty much has nothing to do with you. It's me." Once I said the words, I realized how cliché that must have sounded. Both of us were chuckling.

"_It's not you, it's me. _How melodramatic, Edward!" she laughed. I laughed along, and it seemed as though one addiction—was actually _fading._ But in the same shocking moment, it was being replaced by the most unlikely substance. Not even a substance—a person. And that person was Isabella Swan. The chief's daughter, a good student, my sister's friend. What had I allowed myself to do?

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**_(Back and forth, right? Yes, there are moments necessary to see both sides of the story)_**

**Bella Swan**

My heart was uneasily pounding in my chest as his laugh harmonized with mine. He was so different than before—and so was I. I couldn't imagine just simply being an acquaintance with my best friend's brother—could bring me to life. What was it about him…carefree, or just free period? Of course everyone knew he had issues, but I'm pretty screwed up too, right? Surely there would be a balance if we were…

What kind of thoughts had I been allowing myself to think lately?

I couldn't be close to someone without having a nervous breakdown. A boy in Phoenix kissed me on the cheek and a broke down crying. Closeness was not an option. And I wouldn't allow it to ever, ever become a desire. But the thing was… it was already too late.

I sat as the teacher droned on in her lecture—suffering in silence. I had no idea why, but the pain in my chest seemed to ease itself every time I saw Edward through my veil of hair. And nothing but that occasional glance could take my mind off the stabbing pain in my wrist.

I sucked a quick breath of hair through my teeth, holding back a wretched scream. The teacher stopped talking. I had to get out. I lifted my wrist in the air, and she saw the wrap around it. She motioned me out the door.

I walked rapidly down the hall, knowing that I needed to check my cut. Because I had never felt so much pain after the fact. Before I knew it, Edward was walking just as fast as I was by my side.

"I have a head ache. May I accompany you to the nurse's office?" he asked politely with a surprisingly genuine smile on his face. My blood went warm for a split second.

"I—I'm not going to the nurse's office," I stuttered. His face went confused. "I just need to check it myself."

"A sprained wrist can't be "checked" by just anyone. You need some ice to soothe the swelling." I was confused for a moment, remembering then that Alice had said their father was a doctor. He had to know about these kinds of things, right?

"Edward, I appreciate that we're on good terms—but you can stop faking your head ache and go back to class," I said tersely. It didn't faze him.

"I wasn't faking it. I have hangover," he admitted. I held back a slight chuckle, and just shook my head.

"Isn't it funny that everything that brings pleasure has its consequences?" I laughed. He cocked his head, actually thinking into the most general of remarks. I decided to clarify. "You should know. Smoking causing heart disease, cancer, and ulcers. Drugs…cause brain damage on top of just plain out craziness," he smiled lightly. "And alcohol." I gestured toward him—his hangover making itself clear as he gripped to one side of his head.

"Oh, Isabella," I cringed at the name once again. "You are such the pessimist." He smiled lightly. "But that's very insightful," he noted. "Please, enlighten me. What about food?"

"Weight gain, diabetes, heart burn," I said curtly. I could see where this was going.

"Driving?"

"Wrecking, duh!"

"Okay, the sun."

"Sun burns, skin cancer." His expression grew smug.

"Sex?" I felt his expression grow tenser as my eyes widened.

"Well, um," I stuttered. "STDs, and babies," I spat. His eyebrows arched high on his forehead.

"You see babies as a consequence?" he inquired. I nodded lightly, then realizing he wanted me to explain.

"For me. But it would probably be more of a consequence for the baby then me." His expression became hard, his mouth twisting into a grimace.

"Why?"

"Well, because," I couldn't find the words to explain it. "I've never had a real mother figure. Not for a long time at least. I would probably be a screw up like my mother." My hand went straight to my mouth—not believing the word's I'd just said. The fact I'd been denying for so long I had just accepted—admitted to a stranger! I shook my head violently, the whole in my chest making itself clear once again. I let out a slight whimper.

"It's alright," he assured me softly, his velvet voice seeming to curl itself around my heart. "We all have our issues, don't we? A horrible mother can't be the worst thing ever." I shook my head again. I meant to end the conversation, but I'd just admitted that wasn't the problem. "You don't have to talk about it. I know I wouldn't." I nodded.

We sat together on a bench in the hallway, not really sitting together. We were both just there at the same time, just sitting. Though a part of me wanted it to be 'us' together. But he could never accept me.

"Just curious," he murmured, breaking the awkward silence. "What's your outlook on pleasures and consequences…?" I froze. I watched him eying my bandaged wrist—his emerald eyes twinkling with suspicion.

"It's not exactly a pleasure. It's a relief." I sighed, knowing that I had told him everything he needed to hear to understand. He nodded lightly, gently and slowly reaching for my wrist. I flinched away from his touch—not because of the touch…but because it hurt. I surprised myself that I didn't have a anxiety attack right there. I just stopped breathing instead.

"I'm sorry…but you didn't sprain your wrist, did you?" he asked. He already knew. I shook my head in confirmation. His expression was serious and hard—and it forced me to look deep into his eyes. My heart stuttered, and I forcefully exhaled the breath I'd been holding in.

"Please promise me, Bella," my heart jumped with joy to hear my name. "Not to hurt yourself again. Please," he said. Almost pleading? His eyes darted away from mine, and I saw him blush! This made the blood rush even further to my cheeks. "I have to go," he said reluctantly as he stood up.

"Okay," I choked out. He walked away, and I felt the hole in my chest inflate, as my swollen heart shrunk down into the empty shell it had been before Edward.


	5. Chapter 5 Withdraw

**Poor Ed's so confused. I pity him at times.**

**My idea, Stephenie's brilliance!  
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Edward Cullen**

**Withdraw  
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I looked deeply into her big brown eyes, which lined in sorrow. She admitted to me something I knew she didn't want me to know. And I wasn't going to just sit idly by watching her cut herself away. Cut away the Bella I'd grown so fond of.

I could see the image in my mind, the glow of her blush fading as she pressed a sharp object to her smooth skin. The nearly sickening image of a river of blood running down her arm….

"Please promise me Bella." I pronounced her name as eloquently as my mouth allowed. "Not to hurt yourself again. Please," I pleaded. I looked away from her confusing and painful expression, trying to remember her smile. But I couldn't remember it in the presence of such sadness. She absently hid her wrist under her palm. I needed to go.

"I have to go," I choked out reluctantly, not looking back.

"Okay," I thought I heard her whisper, as my legs moved swiftly away from her. Truly, what had I done to deserve such torturous perplexing?

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**_(4 weeks later)_**

The next weeks proved to be unbearable.

I had convinced myself that the way I reacted around Bella was wrong…too easy. I guess the counselor I saw in the eighth grade was right. I do 'have a tendency of blocking people I care about out of my life.' But I didn't care about her four weeks ago, did I? But one thing was certain—the weeks I spent convincing myself that I didn't, she grew on me.

I would find myself in my room at night, when Bella had come over for a sleep over with Alice, comparing her to a weed. Not the ugly kind that will accept just about any environment. But the beautiful, adoring kind that will grow on the most likely of places—blooming, the sun rising and setting on wherever she may grow. But instead of being a vine that sucks the life out of others, she was a young woman who was sucking my determination out of me. And what was the determination that had been deterring away for so long?

My determination to 'make myself feel better.'

I wasn't exactly…proud of the fact that ever since I had made Bella promise me to never hurt herself again, I hadn't taken one sip of alcohol. I was stunned. It's like as Bella became more and more appealing to me, the call of the addiction had faded. I had actually rejected a beer when Pat had offered me one at a party. At midnight. With hot twenty-year-old girls dancing the night away. Like I said, I was stunned at the fact that I had enjoyed it better without being intoxicated, and then being able to observe Bella even more when I wasn't fighting a hangover.

Now, you may be wondering why the weeks had grown excruciatingly painful. It was thanks to the fact I had convinced myself to stay away from Bella. I was a bad influence, someone like her didn't deserve a guy like me falling for her. If that's what was exactly what was happening. I knew I could never happen, not only was I unlovable—I believed I was incapable of love. My heart was so piteously damaged…it couldn't even begin to swell large enough to love anyone. I couldn't even find the will to love myself.

I was trembling violently as I tried to fight the will to accept the call of the case of beer sitting across the room. I could almost smell it, almost taste it on my tongue. No, the least I could do is give up my alcoholism. For Bella, I reminded myself.

The room was nearly spinning, my stomach growing uneasy from the cluelessness of time or place. What was to do? I couldn't drink it, but there was no where to put it. Then I had an epiphany. The window.

I pried open the window seal, the cold September wind blowing in the constant rain. Can by can, I began to pour the bitter-sweet substance out the window. My brain screamed no, but I imagined Bella calmly saying yes. She could never know the level of caring I felt for her—that I quit one of my addictions for her. She'd follow the affectionate flame right to me, and probably would let me drag her into my world. Just like I did to Tanya—except a lot less worse.

I heard a quiet knocking on my door, but I wasn't done pouring the beer away. "One minute," I called. But the door was already opening.

"Edward—I—sorry," Alice stuttered, and I immediately saw the pain in her eyes. She loved me so much, she needed to know. Minus the hole, 'hey, I totally adore your best friend' part.

"Alice, come back, please," I begged, throwing the empty cans to my bedroom floor. She trudged in, eyeing the cans on the floor next to my feet. "Sit, please. It's important." Her eyes widened. She pulled a rolling-chair out from under my desk and pulled it up next to my bed. I sat down next to her.

"I don't know why you do this to yourself." She gestured towards the pile of cans on the floor. I just shook my head, and then attempted to stop my trembling a little. She didn't seem to notice through her pain.

"I was trying to get rid of it," I explained.

"You know I'd never tell Mom or Dad! I want your trust, it's the only way I could ever get through to you!" she whispered softly but urgently. I gulped loudly.

"I know, Alice. Now please listen carefully." She nodded softly, tears brimming in the corner of her eyes. "Do you notice anything different about me?" I waited; she examined me, her eyes nearly squinting in disgust.

"You look like a hobo," she chuckled, but no humor whatsoever. "What have you done to yourself?" I felt the pain wash over her even harder. I hadn't shaved, hadn't attempted at all in looking nice. One reason I'd been skipping more than ever—on top of the constant shaking in my body. "What have you done Edward!" she demanded, the tears spilling down her face.

I released the shaking my body wanted to do, the wall releasing itself automatically. My chest and limbs broke into violent tremors, seeming to tear out my muscles. I watched her expression carefully as I resisted the need to jump out the window and sip the beer from the ground. I knew it was all physical, the need. Emotionally, Bella had already replaced that addiction.

"God, Edward," she whispered hastily. "How high are you?" I revealed the key thing to her and she automatically assumes this is a result of drugs. "Edward, this isn't safe. You need help—you—I—" I put my hand over her mouth and raised my eyebrows. Hers were furrowed, her black hair falling in her face. She pushed my arm away, revealing a grimace.

"Can't you see it Alice?" I said, almost smiling. She looked confused, like always. "I. Am. Going. Through. _Withdraw!"_ I exclaimed excitedly. Alice was frozen, her mouth popped open a little. After a few second she blinked a long forgoing blink—and then jumped into my arms. But it wasn't truly a real hug. She was stiffing my hair, and my shirt. Sure to be no scent of beer.

"Oh my God," she whispered into my shoulder. She backed away, revealing the must exuberant smile I'd ever seen. I smiled back widely. "Does this mean it's over?" I looked away from her, then releasing her out of my hug. She sat back down, and her smile faded.

"One step at a time, Alice," I murmured to her softly. "I don't know…if I could let go of anything else for now." She pouted, and then nodded. "And please keep this to yourself. I don't want an 'Edward stopped drinking!' party. That would be quite horrendous." She smiled a little more. She liked that my humor was somewhat returning.

"How…um, did this happen? Did I help?" she asked hopefully. I decided, for once, to be honestly true to her.

"To put this straight Alice, you were not the absolute main reason I decided to quit."

"I never wanted to be," she countered. She wanted me to explain.

"There is…another reason…and I don't really want to talk about it." Bella… "But everything you've done—the love, tolerance, and acceptance you've shown me in the past years inspired me that I can make the change in myself if I truly needed to. Wanted to." I could see the happiness on Alice's face.

"I just knew that you were in there, somewhere Edward. And you can always talk to me in confidence. Like I have since the seventh grade. Just remember that," she told me seriously. I smiled, and leaned in for a hug again. And I truly and sincerely hugged her back. Maybe…my heart was capable of loving. Maybe just like everything that I told myself once that I couldn't give up—I just wasn't willing to. I would find the will to make myself even half the man Bella would deserve. I knew I just had to.

"Now, could you clean yourself up? Bella's coming over and she's already really nervous around you." She was nervous around me. Shouldn't be surprised with the way I've avoided her lately.

"B-ella's coming?" I stuttered, not meaning to. Alice was just as smart as I was, and she would put the picture together fast. She gulped so loud that in echoed throughout my room.

"Oh. My. God." She stood frozen in shock, her eyes not even daring to leave mine. I looked down in shame, and I saw a smile creeping on her lips. "It's like everything went into motion the day she arrived," she murmured in awe.

"Please, Alice, leave it be. Nothing is going to happen, I swear it."

"Tanya breaking up with you, you apparently giving up your irrational need for alcohol, you lounging in the next room whenever Bella's over…you being _nicer.…_" I really wished my life wasn't a puzzle for her. "It's Bella, she's made a _man _out of you!" she laughed.

"I was a man before she came along," I growled through my teeth.

"Oh, touchy-touchy Eddy!" I cringed at my nickname.

"Please, Alice. Our secret, and don't even think about being the match-maker from hell—or I'll…"

"Do not threaten you sister," she commanded, her grimace turned into a smile. She skipped out of the room humming. She knew. She was going to do something about it. And I needed to look better for Bella.

**(Brief Alice POV)**

I almost couldn't believe it. Edward was done with alcohol. No more hangover-shakes, no more drunken nights helping him to his room. That aspect of my life was over. And knowing Edward, if he was truly happy as he looked—he'd keep it that way. It was still frightening seeing him tremble so violently.

"I just knew that you were in there, somewhere Edward. And you can always talk to me in confidence. Like I have since the seventh grade. Just remember that," I told him sternly. I was surprised when he leaned toward me for a hug. For real, my brother was actually hugging me. I wiped my tears away on the shoulder of his shirt. I sniffled silently and leaned away from him.

"Now, could you clean yourself up? Bella's coming over and she's already really nervous around you." She had been really nervous when Edward occasionally sat by us at lunch, watching him carefully and inconspicuously. But not inconspicuously to me.

"B-ella's coming?" he stuttered. Oh, no. This was too good to be true. I gulped loudly as I put the jigsaw puzzle together carefully and excitedly.

"Oh. My. God." I was frozen, stunned, and overwhelmed with unexplainable joy. My brother, my best friend…my best friend and my brother! She'd really done him a lot of good! "It's like everything went into motion the day she arrived."

"Please, Alice, leave it be. Nothing is going to happen, I swear it," he spoke clearly and sincerely. But something was going to happen, and I was going to make sure of it!

"Tanya breaking up with you, you apparently giving up your irrational need for alcohol, you lounging in the next room whenever Bella's over…you being _nicer…_" I paused, waiting for the words to come to me. "It's Bella, she's made a _man _out of you!" I laughed, my lungs and heart filling with inflatable air. Oh, this was going to be so wonderful. I knew that Bella could heal him, I just knew it. And for all I knew, he was in love with her. And she loved him, _possibly._

"I was a man before she came along," he growled through his teeth. His jaw was clenched, and I just chuckled.

"Oh, touchy-touchy Eddy!"

"Please, Alice. Our secret, and don't even think about being the match-maker from hell—or I'll…" Nobody, not even her brother, threatens Alice Irene Cullen.

"Do not threaten you sister," I warned. My real frown faded to a smile. I got up, and skipped out of his bedroom. I had to make planes to truly make these two fall in love. Whatever problems Bella seemed to have could probably be healed by a guy who had problems of his own. And vice-versa. I smiled at the idea, as I picked out the perfect, strapless blue dress from my closet. Not too revealing—but just enough to make Edward's feelings to Bella clear.


	6. Chapter 6 Sick

**Confusing chapter at times, but each POV is crucial to form the perfect moment! Enjoy and have a good Thanksgiving!**

**My idea, Stephenie's genius.  
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Bella Swan**

**Sick  
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I was nervous about the sleepover I was having with Alice, because chances were…Edward was going to be there. I mean, he has every right to be there…it is his house…but every time I come over it's even more awkward than at school. The staring is much more noticeable, the smiles are a lot more genuine…and he's a lot sweeter.

I had decided to heed Alice's warning about not falling for his charm. No doubt I believed the fact he was a player, but he wasn't acting it. I told myself he's just being nice because I'm his sister's friend. But when Alice threw a Halloween party—Edward literally dumped his sprite over Jessica's head. And in the same night, he gave me the candy he quote, "hijacked from a bunch of twerps." I just smiled sheepishly and accepted the candy with grace. It was nice it was from him, but it wasn't very nice to know it was stolen.

For the past few weeks it had been undeniably weird. Like I said, Edward had been staring at me a lot—making uncomfortable small-talk. Nothing like the day we met and the sparks seemed to fly. Or the day I promised him I would never cut myself again—which was the first time I had ever opened up to someone so deeply. Sometimes he'd give my still-bandaged wrist a slight glower, and I'd just shake my head wordlessly. I had held up my promise, and for some reason I found the will not even to temp myself.

Every time I saw him, I would get the strangest case of anxiety, the butterflies fluttering hurricane-force winds in my stomach. My heart would react in the most irrational way, the way I'd read about in romances. I couldn't be falling for him could I? Most likely not in love, no I don't think I could ever let my guard down long enough.

But perhaps just friendship type love. I saw him somewhat as a friend. I mean, sitting next to him in two classes can sort of do that to you. But I don't think I could let anyone past my exterior enough to love him. And he couldn't possibly find away to love someone with the problems I had.

Alice had invited me over one afternoon, and she'd informed me Edward was probably still living vicariously in his room. So he would be there. And…that would be fine. Right? I was driving down the road in my recently purchased Chevy truck, constantly glancing at myself in the rearview mirror. The oddest questions ran through my mind. _How's my hair? Do you think he'll see you a lot? Does he stare at you because your pretty or weird looking?_

Get a hold of yourself Bella!

When I arrived at the Cullen's huge three-story house, I was sad to see that Edward's shiny Volvo was nowhere to be seen. And I wouldn't get to see Edward. My chest ached, and the whole in it swelled above its normal size. I crossed my arms across my stomach—trying to hold myself together. But then the pain in my wrist shocked me. I had no idea why it was still achy after four weeks. I'd been holding off on taking off the wrap around it—because of my new developed repulsion to blood. I'd learned that during blood-typing.

I knocked lightly on the door, building my anticipation of what Alice must have in store for me today.

**Alice Cullen- (about an hour earlier)**

After I had picked out Bella's outfit, I began to devise a plan. Not only a plan to get Edward and Bella together—but much more. To convince Bella that she's beautiful, smart, loveable. And to finally give Edward's life the will to get and stay clean. This was his darkest hour, and Bella was the only absolute source of light.

I took a deep breath, and began to call Jasper. He'd have to be in on the secret for this to work. And he'd have to be in on the plan for it to work as well.

"Hey babe," he said with his southern drawl. My heart fluttered in my stomach just to hear his voice.

"Hello Jazz," I said lightheartedly. He chuckled a little.

"What can I do for you? Do you want me to come over?"

"No, I know why Ed's been so different. He stopped drinking." A long silence, and I noticed Jasper's breathing had stopped too. "You can't tell anyone, but it's because of Bella. He likes her, likes her enough to recognize that his life is worthless without nothing. And somehow…Bella is _something_."

"So he's literally 'seen the light'?" He asked emotionlessly. I nodded, then remembering he couldn't seem me.

"Yes. And I've made a plan. Edward's going to come pick you up in a few minutes, and by the time you get here, you'll be in on the rest," I whispered, hearing Edward's footsteps down the hall. "Love you, got to go."

"Bye, dear. Love you." I hung up as soon as I heard the words I'd been craving since I picked up the phone. Now, time to set Edward up for his destiny.

**Edward Cullen**

"Edward!" Alice called in her high pitch voice just as I was walking past her door. I opened it, revealing every teenage girls dream. I sighed at every teenage rock star's poster—every pink fluffy pillow—until I found Alice sitting on the edge of her bed smiling. What had gotten into her right after I'd told her my secret? Something was terribly wrong.

"Yes," I groaned.

"Could you go pick up Jazz and Emmett? I think Rosalie's with him…but if you don't mind. It'd save gasoline." She smiled widely, and I knew something was up. But as always, she probably wouldn't tell me. I'm a big mouth.

"Sure, sure," I sighed. I went to pick up the crew…which I had a feeling I was growing right back into. I wasn't sure if that was supposed to be good or bad.

**Alice Cullen**

My plan was falling right into place. I looked out the front window smiling as Edward's Volvo pulled out of the driveway—making its way down the road. This was going to work… I could feel it.

I heard Bella's familiar quiet knocking on the front door, and I had to work as fast as possible if my best friend was going to look like she walked right out of a fairy tale.

**Bella Swan**

The front door swung open immediately, revealing Alice's wide smile. She pulled me into the house wordlessly, and already began to make her way up the stairs. "Makeover!" she screamed the hideous word. I flinched instinctively as she took me by the wrist…but this I had gotten used to. I'd beaten it into my brain repeatedly that Alice would have no reason or desire to hurt me.

I groaned. Alice wanted to make me over every time I came over. Girls like Alice probably don't play with Barbie-dolls when they have Bella-dolls. I sighed, and told myself I'd just endure it like usual. This was her daily dose of fun. Her life.

"Okay Alice," I muttered as I sat down in her 'makeover chair'. She turned me away from the mirror, which I was thankful for. I didn't enjoy looking at myself. The past memories of blue and purple splotches over my face resurfaced—and it was all too tempting to ease that pain.

She put my hair into curlers and began to put my eye makeup on.

"It's so amazing that you don't need anything like foundation. Your skin is so flawless. You don't know how lucky you are," she mused as she painted the powders over my eyelids. It was soon followed by the mascara.

She took the curlers out of my hair and fluffed it up with her tiny hands. She smiled even wider.

"So will Edward be out all night?" I asked quietly. She beamed. "I mean, I…uh. Never mind." How much more happy could she look? I hoped she wouldn't bring it up again.

She scampered over to her bed, and lifted up a baby-blue dress that was pulled by the hanger. It was at least knee length, and strapless. My mouth dropped in awe as my eyes flowed down the beautiful dress. Alice had never picked out such an extravagant outfit for me to wear around the house.

"Oh Alice," I gasped quietly. She nodded, bringing the dress to me. I took it in my hands, the delicate silk feeling perfect on the back of my hand.

I slipped the dress on, and then let Alice adjust it until it felt and fit just right. She was obviously pleased with herself; she even took a picture with her Polaroid camera—and then hung in it on her friend-wall. I looked at the picture, not even recognizing the fact it was me. It couldn't be! The angel in the picture had my big brown eyes…my long caramel hair…but she was way too pretty.

"This can't be me!" I laughed. Alice pulled me by the shoulder to the mirror. And sure enough, Alice had her harm slouched over the angel identical to the one in the picture. I touched my soft cheeks, and then ran my fingers through the delicate curls in my hair. I let out a whimper of happiness. I had never felt so beautiful.

"Don't you dare cry your mascara off!" she said loudly. All I did was nod, attempting to keep the tears of joy from coming out. I had never _felt _beautiful before. "Here, let's go down stairs and show Esme. She needs to see this side of the infamous Bella Swan!" Oh, Esme was the sweetest woman ever! She had the most caring heart—softened probably from her experience with Edward. She held Alice on a long leash, making sure that they didn't run away from her like he always did.

I scampered down the steps, my bare feet pressing against the hardwood floors. Alice was already downstairs, and just as I was coming to the end of the winding staircase—the front door opened.

**Edward Cullen (A few minutes earlier)**

"Jasper, I know we aren't as close as we used to be, but couldn't you at least tell me what's going on?" I begged him as we pulled up the driveway. He just shook his head.

"That's the thing. I. Don't. Know!" he pressed, then flying out the passenger's door as I parked the car. I knew he was in on it, whatever _it_ was. I swear if Alice was going to seriously throw me an 'Edward stopped drinking party' like I specifically asked her not to do…I was not going to be happy.

I ran, catching up to Jasper as he stood anxiously on the front porch.

"I think you'll find out soon enough," he mumbled as I opened the front door. I knew he knew something! Bet there was going to be a party or something. Alice….

All my thoughts came to a halt.

I felt like I'd just walked right into a fairy tale, and Cinderella was winding herself down the intricate stair case. If it weren't for the fact she had no wings, I would have said she was the angel. Not just any angel—the angel of beauty.

I felt my mouth inappropriately drop right open, as I looked at her. It was _my_ Bella, my beautiful Bella. She was blushing the deepest shade of red, contrasting surprisingly well with the gorgeous blue dress which flowed down her watery hips. A breath hung in my throat as her expression of surprise and confusion matched mine perfectly. I took a few steps forward, staring up at her from the foot of the stairs. For some reason, I must have been unconsciously calling her to me. She took another step forward, but maybe it was too quick.

She stumbled down the steps—clumsy, but beautiful Bella—right into my arms. I'd never been so close to her, her skin on mine. She was so hot! I mean she was literally on fire—her skin flaming. But I was too stunned by her proximity to mine to worry. For a split second….I actually felt like she was mine.

Her face was inches from mine, and I immediately felt her grow stiff in my grasp. That was one thing I'd observed about her over the weeks. She didn't like people to touch her. I set her carefully on her bare feet, and forced my eyes to dart away from her. But I so wanted to look back, to take in her beauty once more. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

"Thanks," she choked out. Hearing her voice—muffled or not—made my eyes return to hers. She was blushing, still!

"For what, him catching you or making goo-goo eyes at you?" Jasper laughed. I quickly turned around to glare at him, he cowered behind Alice—who was beaming the hugest smile ever. This was it—I was sure she wouldn't have planned for Bella to fall down. But her plan was to hook us up by me revealing my utterly obvious and undeniable attraction to her. No, I wouldn't let Bella have anything to do with me—I wasn't good for her.

"You," I growled. She took Jasper's hand and ran out of the room. The cowards were made for each other.

"I guess this is why Alice spent so much time on me," Bella finally said—breaking the silence. I just nodded. "And I'm guessing she sent you to get Jasper?" She apparently didn't know that fact, but her perceptiveness gave her enough insight to see past Alice's pretences. All I could do is continue to stare at her and nod. She smiled a little.

"This…explains things."

"What?" I finally got a word out. She blushed a little more.

"Why you…well, um—stare. At me, that is," she mumbled—fiddling with her ace-wrapped wrist. I frowned, and saw the perfect opportunity to change the subject.

"You promised me," I accused, pointing at her wrist. She just shook her head.

"And I've kept it. It just hurts, so I'm afraid to take it off." I just looked at her. The obvious fever, the pain…. I medically put the back of my hand on her forehead to recheck her temperature. Her flaming skin wasn't a figment on my imagination—it was just as feverish.

"I think you have an infection," I blurted. I reflexively took her wrist and began to unwrap it. She locked her eyes shut, ironically not wanting to see the blood. My stomach wrenched at what I saw.

A horrible infection—her wrist swollen up to twice its regular size, the abscess oozing. I winced, closing my eyes and then opening them again to look at her.

"Bella, this is bad," I whispered. She opened her eyes a little, and then gasped at the sight of her wrist. Her blush turned slightly green. I pulled her delicately by the arm to Carlisle's study, and there he sat. He was reading a book, and his eyes opened wide at the image of my hand around Bella's arm. It mustn't have looked good.

"Edward," he warned, standing up.

"No, Carlisle. Bella's sick, look—" I stretched out Bella's arm to wear he could see the infected sight.

"How did this happen?" He inquired, automatically going into doctor mode just as I had. I quickly answered, knowing that Bella was a dreadful liar.

"In biology, I accidently crushed a slide into her wrist while I was changing it. I have developed a new tendency of clumsiness, I guess." I smiled at her, her sheepish smile tinted with 'thank you.'

"Okay, you need to go to the hospital. This isn't good at all," he murmured. Just then, Bella looked at her cut again, and her face became wrong. The angelic face twisted in agony. She dropped to her knees, and began to vomit blood violently. I pulled her soft hair away from her face—cradling her in my arms.

"Bella! You have to stay awake!" I yelled. Carlisle took her from my arms, the ghost of her body lingering. I began to notice I was crying, but not that anyone could see. My most wretched cries were silent. I just dialed 9-1-1 as Carlisle ordered—as he began to nurse her. I wanted to whisper the words into her ear. I had no idea that anything so terrible could happen. The sight was wretched, and my stomach stabbed at the pain I felt.

_I love you._


	7. Chapter 7 Hospitalized

**Fluff Alert  
**

**You have been duly warned  
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Bella Swan**

**Hospitalized**

Darkness, numbness—but at the same time…pain.

I'd never felt so miserable, so helpless. I tried to scream, but my body couldn't even find the will to make my chest heave for that one breath of oxygen. My thoughts were incoherent, barely legible in my sea of memories. There was a part of me who prayed for life, prayed to make my heart beat one last time—but then there was a part of me who saw this moment of weakness as an escape. Would it be considered suicide if I didn't_ try_ to live? Would giving up make me a quitter, a fatalist? I pushed against the barrier to live, but at the same time I held on.

There was an image in my mind, and I didn't even know what it was. A face? A person? But the image was coated with black and red, but I could tell by its quiet voice that it wasn't happy.

_Bella! You have to stay awake! _The voice screamed. But it was just as powerful as my own thoughts. _For you I'd try, _I attempted to whisper.

_Get off of her Edward, call 9-1-1! _Another voice exclaimed_. _Edward? I knew I'd heard that name before, I knew the voice though it was just as blurry as his face. The name was like heaven—and just thinking it made my hold on life slip. Edward.

_Bella, hold on…_ the voice whispered before my grip on the image slipped completely. The memory of the voice was all I needed. And I decided that it hurt too much to hold on.

So I let go.

**Edward Cullen**

No.

No, no, no!

Carlisle's palms pressed against her body feebly, and I could already see the life drained from deep inside her. How could she keep her sickness from her family, from me? Of course I had no right to know, but couldn't she tell by my constant worry and glances towards her that I cared about her? And now, it wouldn't matter. The one time my heart miraculously opened up from its shell, it was shattered.

Knee jerk reaction, I tried to explain to myself. Edward Cullen can't love, he can't see past anyone to actually feel so strongly about someone. Right? Ever since Isabella Swan moved to Forks, I don't even know who I am. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with my wrenched life. She changed me in ways I can't describe, and it was all going down the drain before my very eyes.

Not a knee jerk reaction, I concluded. I loved this fragile, sick, dying girl with all my being. More than I loved the relief, the pleasures, the comfort of Tanya by my side. She was my drug, and I decided that if this life excluded her, then it had no reason. No. Reason.

Time passed slowly, with every word I said emotionlessly to the 9-1-1 operator, to driving Alice and Emmett to the hospital. They asked me constant how's and why's but I ignored them. I just focused on tailing the ambulance.

I knew I'd have to stay with Alice to justify my being so close to Bella. Like always. But I had to nudge her to sneak in right behind Carlisle into the emergency room. The doctor's my father, and the patient's my sister's best friend. Truths, but half truths. The patient was my love, and mine only.

"You have to stay here, Edward. We have to keep it sanitary," Alice urged, pulling me back by the shoulder. I watched the door close, and I just walked slowly forward to look through the tiny window.

This couldn't be happening.

The countless wires and tubes being hooked up to her made my stomach twist in agony. Her face drained of the blush I missed, the sheepish smile I'd die to see. I heard voices, shouting, but my mind focused in on the beeping of the heart monitor.

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beeeeeeeeeeep.

And then the world stopped spinning. The line on the heart monitor dragged as they attempted to shock her heard. It would jag as the bolt of electricity shot through her.

_Bella._

I held my breath as her stomach heaved into an arch, and they continued to shock her back. They were fighting nature's heinous ways.

"Time of death, four twenty-three," a doctor announced solemnly, placing his hand on Carlisle's shoulder. He was determined to bring my Bella back. "Carlisle," he whispered.

"I." Shock. "Can." Shock. "Bring." Shock. "Her." Shock. "Back!" Shock. Then the most musical sound erupted in the room, followed by many gasps.

Her heart was beating on its own. I was too stunned by the fact that Bella's chest moved in shallow breaths on its own, to notice someone pulling me away. Away from Bella, who was indeed alive.

I didn't notice I was smiling until Alice slapped me out of my trance.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she hissed through her tear brimmed eyes. I just closed my eyes shut—imagining Bella alive and well. She'd live on, find someone who can love her healthily and she will love them back. She'll get married, have kids, and be a better mother than hers. She will live!

"Dude, snap out of it! You are going crazy!" Emmett yelled. I noticed we were standing in the hall, and people were watching us.

"Nothing," I lied in a whisper to Alice—not making an effort to respond to Emmett. They stared me down, waiting for the truth. I shook my head and began to walk away.

"Get back here," Alice growled. "I want to know what just happened back there."

"She's alive," I whispered in wonder. Emmett looked at me like I was insane.

"Barely," Alice muttered, and Emmett nodded along.

"I don't know _what's up with me_, could you just leave me be?" I began walking back to wear Bella was, and I watched her as she lay soundly on her hospital bed. The monitor beating slow steady beats. But Alice was right—barely.

**Bella Swan (Two Days Later)**

I still felt numb, but the pain seemed as if it had almost faded. The chains that seemed to be locked around my will felt as if they were loosening. I could feel my muscles expand and contract as I tried to move—but I was so weak. I let out a shallow groan as I tried to peal my eyelids open, and I heard shuffling on the marble floor.

"Bella," I deep voice murmured a few feet away from me. Charlie. I let out a groan in response as I felt my eyes open a tiny bit.

The fluorescents seemed to burn holes in my pupils, but I continued to force them open. I saw Charlie standing over me, his hand holding mine. I tried to smile, but I felt as if my cheeks were plastered into the painful grimace.

"It's okay, baby," he cooed, like I truly was a baby. I gulped a little, gaining more and more control of my body by the minute. "How are you?"

"Fine," I croaked. He hushed me, hearing that I wasn't ready to talk in sentences.

"You were very sick, you had a staph infection in your cut," he explained. Hopefully the story still in action was the one that Edward made up. Biology.

Edward!

I needed to see him, hear his voice. I remembered the night, I collapsed. I remembered thinking of him, but not remembering him. His voice, his blurred figure was the only reason I kept my heart beating. Just long enough, I suppose. He saved me, but he didn't know that.

I nodded in response to Charlie's explanation. I noticed his hair was crazy and ungroomed, his beard grown out scruffily. I smiled.

"What?" he asked, smiling back.

"Beard." He bellowed a laugh.

"Well, I was going for Chuck Norris, but I guess I can't pull it off," he teased. "Your friends, the Cullen's will be here soon. They come every day after school. Such a nice family—Dr. Cullen saved you, you know." I nodded again. I wished I could explain that his son did too. I was excited to see Alice, who would defiantly try to spruce me up even on my hospital bed—and Emmett who was like my big brother. But Edward had a certain tie to me—an unexplainable bond that made me feel lifeless without him. I needed him, I had to have him. I couldn't wait to see him.

Dr. Cullen walked in the room, and I flashed a smile.

"It's good to see your feeling lively, Bella," he said enthusiastically—taking notes down in the chart. I could see it now: _Isabella Swan: Prescribe psychiatric meds due to goofy smile subsequent to near death experience. _Edward could get a good laugh out of that one.

"I feel dreadful. But I'm glad to be alive," I murmured, my smile fading.

"I believe I heard Charlie tell you, but my children are coming to visit you." I hoped I could pull off one question without calling too much attention.

"All of them?" I inquired lowly.

"Uh huh," Carlisle hummed. Apparently, yes, I was that sly.

"'kay." Charlie flipped open his cell phone, as if reading a…text message? I wanted to giggle.

"I have to get back to the station, be good Bells," he said worriedly. I nodded, and he left. Once he was gone, Carlisle just shook his head with a huge smile on his face.

"Goodbye, Bella," he said quietly. He walked out of the room. And I was alone and waiting.

**Edward Cullen**

Could my life get any more miserable?

Two days stuck in my room, no eating no sleeping—not even smoking… I couldn't feel any more horribly in a physical way. But emotionally I was dying. Dying to see her smile, blush, or even grimace minus the painfulness in her expression. Dying to hear her bell-like voice, her laugh, her assurance that she followed through on her promise. I missed the words, I missed the awkward moments her and I shared. I missed seeing her.

Alice and Jasper had shared the enthusiasm of my new developed feelings…that's all they knew it to be. And Emmett was so thickheaded to believe that I had a series of _delirium-induced hallucinations, _as Alice described. More like love-sickness…the worst kind. Though they understood the depth of which Bella had reached me at, Alice had pretty much forbidden me to see her while not accompanied by herself or Emmett. Apparently I had no right to see her alone. But Alice explained, "If you want to keep this a secret, you must do it _my_ way." Just another case of Alice believing the whole universe revolves around her and her match-making aspirations.

So I went along with it, seeing her—even briefly—every chance I got. She had been unconscious for two days, Carlisle saying that she may slip into a comma due to the trauma caused by the infection, if she did not wake up within a week. This had me worried beyond belief. Occasion upon occasion I had sent her flowers from her "Mom" to maybe pry some hope into her. But when I'd come to see her, they'd be in the trash. This made curiosity pile on top of my worry.

What had Bella Swan done to me?

It was about one in the afternoon, and I was ditching. Over the course of four weeks, I had made a record of attending three classes straight…because Bella was of course in all of them. But no Bella, no reason. And I was sure that my enthused teacher's excitement would wear off as soon as they saw I wasn't there. I tried changing, and…I didn't really have any motivation.

My phone was vibrating, not wanting to hear any noise besides the cold rain plummeting from the sky on to my hoodie. I tilted my head up, letting the water wash down my face. A cleansing. My pocket vibrated again and I flipped it open without checking the caller id.

"Hello?" I sighed dismissively.

"Good afternoon, Edward." Carlisle's calm voice always hinted with annoyance when talking to me.

"Carlisle."

"I was just calling to tell you, since you're the only one who would answer their phone during school, that Bella woke up." I froze, and I immediately saw her smile echoing in my mind. "Please tell Alice. You guys can stop by the hospital. You can go get some coffee or something while you wait for them." Did he not understand that every time I was given the chance to see Bella, I would take it? It might be better that way….

"Yeah, sure," I groaned flakily. Oh this façade was killing me…sometimes I just wanted to be the annoying but loveable ten year old boy I used to be. But a spade's a spade—and I convinced myself a slow and lethargic conversion would be best. And probably easier to accept.

"Bye," he said.

"Bye." I hung up. I wished I could see her right this second—see that she is truly well. I knew I would have to wait two more hours. Unless….

I opened my phone back in and began to text Alice and Emmett.

_Bella awake. Fake sick fast—Ed_

I waited about fifteen minutes for a response, until I saw Alice faking a limp and beaming a smile. She waved a little pink slip in her hand—and Emmett soon followed behind clenching his hand over his stomach.

"Bought some fake vomit at the beginning of the school," Emmett said proudly as he slipped into the car. "Never thought I'd get to use it—but it was awesome. Totally made Mr. Banner turn green." He bellowed a laugh.

"I tripped over Lauren," Alice said quietly—sounding the complete opposite of Emmett. "I…accidently broke her nose." Me and Emmett started laughing in harmony, and I almost swerved off the road I couldn't control my laughter.

"She deserved it," I huffed. She could be a total snitch some time.

"I think you're a bad influence Edward," she said disapprovingly.

"Hey, I'm sorta proud. My two favorite siblings skipping. There comes a day in every brother's life when he is proud." I sighed a fake hum. Alice giggled slightly, and then I felt her arms wrap around my head rest. She whispered, "Missed you Eddie." I patted her head, and raced towards the hospital. Towards Bella.


	8. Chapter 8 Magnets

**I adore this story. This is more of a filler chapter, that's why it's so short.**

**Review and Enjoy!  
**

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Bella Swan**

**Magnets  
**

The old clock that hung on the pale wall read two o'clock, and I knew I'd have to endure one more hour until I saw them. Alice, Emmett…Edward. Everything I felt about him was still so confusing. An electrical current that just drew me to him like a magnetic. Magnets; that was the perfect comparison. Some parts about us repelled each other—and then other things brought us closer and closer.

I tried to stay calm in the impending minutes…tried to keep my anxiety from making me hyperventilate. Dr. Cullen requested that I try not to breathe too hard because my heart was still weak. This I could tell from the heart monitors slow and uneven beats. But I longed to keep it steady enough just to see Edward again.

Minutes passed when I finally saw the door to my room swing open. Alice was beaming a huge smile, and pulled the big teddy-bear Emmett behind her. I forced a smile, even though I felt sort of tired. But when I saw his face—my whole world just lifted up in a state of bliss. My smile became genuine, and the heart monitor stopped beeping.

**Edward Cullen**

My heart was racing in anticipation, and I was expecting the worst. Would she be weak? Would be she be able to speak? Would I be able to stand next to her, even put her hand on mine without her knowing it.

Alice raced through the door with her hand tugging on Emmett's. Then I saw her.

Her hair was slightly wavy from the worn curls Alice had given her two days before—but her face was patted with sweat…the hair sticking to her forehead. Her lips were crimson red. But the truth was even though she looked terrible…I still found her as the most beautiful creature on the planet.

Not only was I smiling like an idiot, giving my most innocent look—but it looked like she had just won the lottery. Or a seven year old on Christmas morning. Either way, she was happy to see me, and I really liked that.

A ripple of shock ran through me when the heart monitor paused for a split second—but I exhaled a breath of relief when her heartbeat came back even stronger.

"Hey you guys," she called hoarsely. Her eyes never left me.

"Oh, Bella, you sound horrible! Don't talk," Alice pleaded, rushing to her bedside. Emmett and I lingered in the doorframe. She blushed the deepest red when her eyes moved from me to Alice. I could have sworn that my heart stopped beating for a split second. Is it possible that I was the reason the heart monitor hesitated.

I shook the thought from my mind.

"No, it's just the medicine. I feel great," I raised my eyebrows. "Under the circumstances," she added, her smile faltering the slightest.

"I'm glad you're better. You gave Edward over there a stroke when you got sick," she muttered with a sly smirk. Bella blushed a deep crimson—nearly matching her pursed lips. I chuckled slightly at her obvious embarrassment.

"Um, I feel like I should apologize for throwing up all over your house…" she muttered. I just shook my head, and took a few steps forward.

"I should apologize for accidently crushing that slide into you," I muttered back. She pulled her lips over her teeth. "And for gawking over you at my house. That was completely uncalled for." She smiled, remembering, I assumed.

"Hey…Emmett, I forgot my purse in the car. Could you buy me a cup of coffee?" Alice chimed.

"Sure," he said quietly. Alice followed the clueless Emmett out the door, looking a little guilty. He wouldn't get it if the situation was 2+2. It would always equal 5 to him.

Once the room was empty besides her and me, I pulled up a chair next to her hospital bed. I resisted the need to wrap my hand around hers.

"So," she sighed. "Did I not sweat all my makeup off, or something?" I didn't get the question, so I just furrowed my eyebrows together. "That's why you're here…because I'm nice to look at?" My mouth popped open a little—she thought I came to see her solely due to the fact she's beautiful?

"Bella," I groaned. "There is so much more to you than your _looks._" Her eyes widened in shock. "You are so smart, so insightful, so tolerant…and I came to see you because I can't stay away." I couldn't believe what I had just admitted—just said. I couldn't stay away…but I had no idea if she could or should find me the same way. I loved her for God's sake! But I don't know how I could ever share that with her.

"I—well…thanks?" Her mouth quivered to find the words. "I sort of find you the same way." She found me the same way? In what way was I similar to her? She was perfect, but I'm so damaged. Everything about her was pure, but I was so tainted with heart wrenching misery.

"Enlighten me, please." I flashed a smile which coincidently made the heart monitor skip another beat. She blushed even deeper when she saw me glance at the jagged line.

"I don't know…but there's a pull? I find myself comparing you and me to magnets. It's really weird, but that's the only way I can find to put it as." I smiled again, knowing that she was right.

"Opposites attract," I mumbled to myself.

"What?" she said quietly.

"Nothing," I hashed, shaking my head. I just watched her blush return and disappear when my eyes were drawn to her gorgeous chocolate pools.

Out of nowhere, she just groans. "So seriously, how can you stand to stare at the Bride of Frankenstein?" she demanded. I raised my eyebrows in disapproval. Even though the beads of sweat and her bright red nose were as clear as day—I still saw Bella.

"I don't think you look that bad," I murmured, a smirk forming on my lips. I raised my hand slowly and carefully to her face—pretending to be oblivious to her increasing pulse…and pulled a strand of hair from her face. I tucked it gently behind her hear, and Bella exhaled. "You're adorable." Her mouth popped open a little.

"Um, okay. Uh," she spat in a stutter. "Sorry, I find myself a little…out of it around you."

"Bella, you're recovering from a near death experience. I'm not expecting you to be _into it_, if you know what I mean." Then I took a deep breath. "I can actually relate." She gulped a little and then shook her head.

"So, what have I missed over the past few days?" Oh, just me being the most miserable state of evident melancholy—my heart slashing to shreds over missing you. Oh, did I mention a new found resistance to heroin!

"Oh, nothing much."

Liar.

She nodded lightly, and then stared to her bandaged—properly bandaged, I might add—wrist.

"Does it hurt?" I asked her gently. She nodded emotionlessly, her lips fading into a thin line.

We sat there in silence—me shrugging in the chair occasionally glancing at the angel lying in the bed. Then Alice and Emmett came strolling back in, my glance ripped from Bella to the coffee conveniently inches from my face.

"Thought you might be thirsty," Alice muttered, a smile playing on her lips.

"Thanks," I whispered. Bella smiled at me, and then she was warped into Alice's world. Poor Bella.

**Bella Swan**

Alice saved the day, once again.

Her and Emmett came trudging in, carrying coffee for them—and an extra for Edward. He seemed to be sucked into some daze or trance, and it required Alice putting his coffee right in front of his face to pull him out.

"Thought you might be thirsty."

"Thanks," his velvety voice, which I had grown a longing for, whispered. I couldn't help but smile at him, and his perfect emerald eyes seemed to suck me into a daze myself. But he couldn't possibly feel the same way as I do.

_Wait. Feel. Feelings…_

My thoughts were interrupted when Alice's purse slammed itself down on my stomach, her searching through the endless pink bag. And what she pulled out I found to be my worst nightmare.

"Can't I escape you and your makeovers at least on my deathbed?" I complained.

"Oh hush you whiner. There is a totally hot male-nurse out there. You need to look pretty _for him,_" she urged, scrubbing my sweaty face down. I swore I saw Edward grimace as he stood in the door frame sipping his coffee. He was like a shadow—not wanting to be a part of this. So why would I automatically assume he would want to be a part of me though we both consider ourselves like magnets? The awkward but irresistible pull between us so annoyingly confusing.

"I really don't want to though," I whined, sounding my best to have a babyish voice. Alice just shook her head, continuing her attempt.

"Please, I haven't done a makeover anyone for two days. And after the last one…I'd really love to top it."

"I'm in a hospital gown, I haven't showered in days, my hair's level of moisture is probably the equivalent of a pot of grease—and you can't possibly have enough supplies in that tiny purse." She raised her eyebrows up, her lips pursed.

"Do not question what the great Mary Alice Cullen can do for you!" she challenged. I huffed. I heard Edward chuckle from across the room, and the beautiful sound made me turn my head around completely just to see his face. He had a huge smile, displaying his perfect white teeth. Complimented by his pink and round lips. Ah.

"Crap, Bella! You made the mascara go all the way across your face!" she shrieked. "Might as well give you to the zoo, you look like a zebra." Emmett nodded his head rapidly in agreement.

"Ooops, I guess you should give up and just wash all this _crap_ off me," I muttered.

"Oh, no," Alice laughed. "You are not getting off that easy." And the torture continued. But the Cullen siblings never left. Especially the one that I couldn't help but look at.

Crap was the perfection description for how I felt. Because this boy was unconsciously prying my heart open just enough to let him in. And now that he had entered the threshold, I invited him in—not caring what would happen next. I just knew that I couldn't live without him.


	9. Chapter 9 Connections

**This was difficult to write, very much. I'm trying to be very sensitive and get the sadness, angst, and other smaller feeling in there at once. Please enjoy. **

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Edward Cullen**

**Connections  
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I attempted to keep my ear drums from popping open from the screaming—burying my head in my pillow.

"Edward Anthony Cullen! Tell. Me. Everything!" the pixie demanded in a shriek. Though it was muffled by my attempt to block the sound, her high pitched voice serrated all through me.

"And there goes my hearing," I yelled back. She punched me in the back, which kind of hurt. Was I becoming a wuss thanks to my revelation about Bella? I mean, she's a girl!

"Please, I promise not to tell her."

"Like you promised not to tell anyone why I stopped drinking," I accused her. I could almost see her lips twisting in a grimace. I knew that was unfair—she was in love with Jasper. I knew that if I were on such terms with Bella I wouldn't be able to keep a secret at all….

"Please," she muttered. I lifted my head from my pillow—seeing her standing over me with a pout.

"She's great. Nothing's going to happen. Please leave me alone."

"There's more than that," she protested. "I can see it in the way you look at her."

So there was more than an attraction. So what, right? She didn't feel the same way—I was unlovable. It wasn't possible. I would never bother her again.

Except I had to in order to be happy. I decided that, that night—I would pay a visit to my Bella.

**Bella Swan**

Why in the hell couldn't I stop thinking about him?

Sure, I knew that I was in for it when I admitted to myself I needed him…because in a way I did. He was like my gateway to humanity—my portal to a normal life. Even though there was absolutely no sense of normality.

It all starts the night home from the hospital, I'm lying in bed. There is only one person on my mind. His messy bronze hair was strange, his deep green eyes so fascinating. They inhabited my conscious, subconscious, and even the grey matter of my brain. Could I get anymore helpless?

I think about his voice.

His laugh.

The way he looks at me.

That was it; the mystery of my life. Why did he look at me so weird, I mean all the time. Before I almost died, and I wasn't drop-dead gorgeous…that wasn't even the beginning. We'd be sitting in class, him getting over his spree of annoyance, and I'd catch him staring! I wasn't that pretty, was I? How could he stand to even look at me so tenderly when I was a dying mess?

The mystery that is Edward Cullen. Remaining unsolved to the second.

I was lying on my bed, beginning to count the number of little notches on the ceiling. One, two, three…

By the time I got to 274, I heard a faint knock on my window. I jumped, right up into a sitting position. Edward had his face pressed up against the window, his nose flattened like a ten year old looking through a store display. Was it wrong that I found this both utterly stupid and cute?

"Isabella," he mumbled into the glass, a smile appearing on his face. I laughed, and then opened the window for him to crawl in.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" I demanded, most of the humor in me fading. His expression looked hurt. I thought I could make this less about the fact he's in my room. "Charlie will be home at any second, he'll see your car." His grin returned—looking more devious by the second.

"I didn't drive here."

"Then how did you get here?"

"I walked," he admitted. My mouth hung open in shock.

"But your house is miles away," I murmured.

"Yup." He popped the 'p' at the end. So he just pretty much admitted to me that he'd walk miles just to see me. How much more confusing could 'we' get?

"Okay…."

"I just wanted to check up on you. Climbing through your window was much more fun than I expected." He chuckled, glancing to the window. There was a tree right outside…so it must have been a blast.

"Next time I want to see you climb up that thing with my own eyes." He raised his eyes.

"Next time?" he mused. His tongue clicked, and he sat down next to me on my bed. There were a few inches between us, but the moment was still painfully awkward. What was I supposed to do? I knew I couldn't ever be close with someone, even though in a way I craved Edward's touch—I also dreaded any sensation my body related to _his _touch. I shuddered to the memory.

"So…" he trailed off. "How's your wrist?" His eyes met my perfectly bandaged forearm. I just stared at it.

"It's fine. It hurts like hell, but I guess that tends to happen when they have to cut out the infected skin," I said in a 'grossed out' voice. "It's strange thinking about the fact I'll never get that skin back."

"I get what you mean," he murmured. He hesitantly lifted up his shirt. At first I was shocked by his perfect abs, like they were sculpted by the hand of an angel. I gulped, and then I recognized what he was trying to show me.

Right below the rib cage was a huge slashed scar—extending down his stomach. I couldn't help but look into his pained eyes. And they were pained.

"What…happened?" I stuttered. He sighed heavily, and then pulled his shirt back down.

"It's a long story…I don't know if you'd like it." Did he not understand that I wanted to know everything about him?

"I'm a good listener," I murmured with a smirk. He smiled but a little, but I could see this probably wasn't a comfortable subject for him. "Unless you don't want to…"

"No, I trust you." He trusted me… "It is kind of tough for me. And it's pretty much the method of my madness."

"You mean…what makes Edward Cullen…Edward Cullen?" I asked quietly. His face was saddened, and he nodded slightly. My stomach twisted in agony as I saw his. I couldn't get over the fact that he trusted me.

**Edward Cullen**

"No…I trust you," I mumbled. How was she doing this to me? Literally taking away my will…replacing it with affection. Undying affection. My secret, that for so long I've kept from myself by covering up with stimulants…finally rising to the surface. Just enough where I can't escape it anymore. So why shouldn't I share it with the one person who I trust with my heart? I should. Defiantly. "It's kind of tough for me. And it's pretty much the method of my madness."

"You mean what makes Edward Cullen, Edward Cullen?" she asked, almost in a whisper. I felt my chest rip a little, but looking at her made the pain easier to bare. Honestly, what was wrong with me?

I nodded. What makes me, me.

"When I was twelve," I choked out, the memory already playing itself in my head. "I had this cousin." I felt the ghost of a knife already twisting itself in my stomach. "James." Her eyes were already filled with sympathy. Could she already know? Was she truly that intuitive?

Her eyes urged me to continue.

"He would come over a lot. I thought he was my friend. We'd…wrestle and guy stuff. I never understood why he was so obsessed with me. He completely ignored Alice, and Emmett was more like an annoyance. For once I thought, Edward Cullen—the middle child—was finally getting some recognition. Attention. But he _chose _me." I already felt the pain rewrapping itself around my heart. I felt the dire need to smoke…to relieve the pain. To forget. But this was something I just needed Bella to know this for some reason. I _needed_ her to know!

"One day, he picked me up from football practice. He asked me 'Hey Ed, want to hang out the beach today?' and I said yes, because I looked up to him like a big brother, a brother that I felt no sibling rivalry like I did with Emmett. But he didn't take me to the beach. He parked the car at the end of some trail—far away from any houses. He said, 'We're taking a long way to the beach. I saw some totally awesome lizard out here!' Being the stupid moron I was, I believed him. But we never saw any lizards. It was just him and I in the middle of that God damned forest…." I choked out. I didn't realize that my fingernails were digging themselves into my arm.

The knife twisted, and I felt like I was already bleeding. I was aware that Bella's hand was rested in a clench to my leg. Her eyes were filled with the utmost sorrow.

"And the son of a bitch took away everything that was ever mine. He took away my innocence, and replaced it with who I am. Far beyond repair, so broken that there is absolutely no hope."

Bella was crying.

Over me.

I couldn't stand to see her tears, I took her hand in mine, holding it to my scar. "And he told me that he would do this if I screamed. I screamed, of course," I muttered. She traced her finger down my jagged scar—taking in the texture—feeling my memory. "As he plunged the knife into me he said… 'you're a filthy pervert just like me now, _filthy_. Now you will remember this ass being the one that made you feel broken.'"

"What happened to him?" she asked quietly, her hand returning to my knee.

"The bastard overdosed. Happiest moment of my life, but I got grounded for throwing a party," I told her.

"What? Why?" she demanded. Did she not understand that this was truly _the s_ecret? The one that says, _"I don't know where we went wrong,"_ and all that crap? The big whoop the question, the mystery behind all that is Edward Cullen?

"You're the only one I've ever told."

"Oh," she gasped. "Why didn't you tell anyone? Someone could have helped you!" she exclaimed.

"He's already dead. And like I said, I'm far beyond repair." She shook her head violently at you.

"There is something about you when you're around me, like you heal. You are not unfixable! I can tell," she whispered. Her shaking hand moved to my cheek, caressing it delicately. This was harder for her than it was for me. Obviously.

My hand moved up to hers, putting it over it. She gulped, and exhaled. My cheek was tingling the most amazing and confusing sensation. I'd never felt something so wonderful. My hand moved to cup her face, but as soon as my fingers touched her—she flinched away. Painfully. I pulled myself completely from her, seeing that this wasn't alright for her.

"I'm sorry, maybe I should go…" I whispered, getting up to go away.

"No!" she snapped harshly. "Just stay. I feel like you should knowthe method to _my _madness," she pleaded.

"Oh how could the great Isabella Swan be mad? I think you're pretty…perfect." I immediately blushed at my own words. And blushing was _not_ common for me.

She held up her wrist as an explanation. My thoughts synchronized with my words.

Oh. "Oh, yeah." She laughed halfheartedly.

"My Mom married this guy named Phil. I thought he was pretty great. Then my Mom starts working late, and he starts treating me really weird," she murmurs. I could already see where this was going in relation to my own story. She and I weren't too far off from each other.

She carefully puts her hand back on my leg. I love the feeling.

"Then it was weird, more than prolonged hugs. He'd—come into my room. At night," she choked.

"Please, don't say anything else," I pleaded. I couldn't stand to prolong her pain when I already knew what happened to her. "Don't let the jackass mess with your head."

"Obviously he did," she whispered. Before I knew it, she had collapsed in my lap, crying her lungs out. I couldn't understand what Bella could have possibly done to deserve to be raped! By. Her. Stepfather! I used to think the same in my situation. But I'd just found substitutes to ask the questions for me.

"Please, it's alright. You're safe," I cooed, cradling her gently in my arms. Though the feeling of her being so close to me was indescribable—I hurt so much as she painfully sobbed. Was her secret a true secret like mine? I decided it didn't matter. She trusted me as I trusted her, and that's all I really cared for her. "Please don't ever hurt yourself over him again. I can't stand to ever see you in that god forsaken hospital _ever_."

"Then don't hurt yourself ever again," she choked out between cries. I couldn't see her face, but somehow I knew she was serious. I deliberated a moment, and I was really already half way there.

"Okay," I assured her. I longed to speak the words, but I wasn't ready. _Only because I love you._

**Bella Swan**

He didn't seem to mind me making salt water stains in his striped shirt. But I did mind the fact that he'd probably never wear it again due to its massive stains. I had managed to stop letting out the chest-ripping sobs in front of him; he didn't mind that much, either. He just cradled me like a baby, rubbing circles on my shoulders. The difference I convinced myself, between _his_ touch and Edward's touch was the fact Edward cared about me. And I knew that. Logically. But mentally, my brain interpreted everything as a mixed signal.

Pleasure?

Pain?

Sadness?

Fear?

I desperately wanted the pleasure it did give me somewhere in my mind, to be the only emotion there. Because I knew that there was something that tied us together. And it wasn't behind, completely at least, who we were. It was what had happened to us. Our curse, our loss of life. We just had different ways of trying to make it go away. And it seemed that we'd rather have each other safe, than us be happy.

I never wanted him to do drugs, drink, or smoke again. For my sake, I had explained quietly.

He understood that. And he retorted the same to me.

"Bella," he whispered. The most for the moment I could force my body to accept was his arms around mine. I tested myself, lifting my head up so my head was inches away from his face. I tightened my grip around him. _He cares, he cares, it's not him, _I repeated in my head as Edward buried his face in my hair. "Is this alright?"

"Yes," I exhaled. I had accepted it…and it felt wonderful. "Amazing…once I get used to it." I felt him smile. "I hope you're not bored."

"No. I'm having a blast," he teased. Then to ruin it all—ruin all our progress—everything these passed hours have expressed…I hear it.

The car door of Charlie's cruiser.

"Uh, Charlie," I groaned, pulling myself away from Edward. "Once he's in the house, climb down the tree," I whispered, hopping out of his lap. He sighed heavily.

"Will you be watching?"

"What?"

"Me climbing down the tree," he mumbled. Nervously? I actually laughed.

"Um, I just want to see you climb _up,_" I clarified. He smiled. As soon as the front door was open, Edward was flying out the window.

I was scared he broke something when I didn't even hear a groan.

I flew to the window, and Edward was already sprinting down my driveway, waving back to me. I smiled, feeling the hole in my chest shrink the slightest.


	10. Chapter 10 Repetition

**Esme moment. Always love those. Enjoy!**

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Edward Cullen**

** Repetition**

If there was ever such thing as separation anxiety, I was absolutely sure that was what I was experiencing. Bella was indeed the closest way a human could ever be compared to a drug—in the sense she was both addicting and relieving. I knew that somehow she had experienced pain…and I dreaded to know how. I thought knowing would ease _my _pain, but it just built on top of it.

I had never wanted to hurt someone so bad, not even James.

There were so many questions I desperately wanted to ask. Did she tell? Was he put in jail? What happened that made you this way…? Then I answered one of my questions mentally.

Her mother.

I remembered when I first realized that Bella cut herself she said,_ '__I would probably be a screw up like my mother.'_

That one tiny statement made the world of mystery shrink. Just a little. Did she tell her mother, but her infatuation with this 'Phil' make it hard to believe. Her own daughter and she still believe the sick, perverted man. I could see how her mother would be considered a screw-up, but I knew Bella had a heart big enough to believe the world. She could always rise to the occasion and out-do her mother. Any day.

I parked my car, a little after twelve, in the school lot. It was pouring rain; I pulled my hood over my hair, despite its need to flatten. I saw a familiar face leaning against his mustang, waving me his way.

I walked forward, my step hesitant and my chest still a little shaky.

_No!_

"Hey, Ed. You…haven't bought anything in a while. You al'ight?" Ray said. There was no hint of worry in this _business man's_ voice.

"Sorry Ray, I'm done."

"What, c'mon! You know you want it," he said softly.

_I know I do, but I promised Bella. I want Bella more._

"No thanks," I told him as I walked away. If only I had said those to little words in the first place. I would have been much better off than I am now.

**Bella Swan**

When he wasn't there, uninvitingly in my room, I felt there was a piece of me missing. But the thing was, at least I knew where that missing piece was.

After the thing with Phil, I thought he had ripped a part of me away, stolen and broken. But the truth was—that missing piece was given to an unknowing soul—just waiting to put me back together.

That's how it felt for me and Edward.

Just thinking his name sent an unwilling shock down my spine. Imagining the previous night, the way I had allowed myself to be close to him. Closeness was nice…but there was always the voice in the back of my mind that whispered that it wasn't alright. Safe. True. But I attempted to retort the voice with every ounce of hope I had that Edward cared about me. All the evidence that had gained in the passing months.

When I walked into first period—I saw him. He lit up as soon as he saw my face. But his smile seemed force. He didn't look right, bruise-like shadows etched under his eyes, his face paler than usual. I felt my face twist in confusion.

I sat my books down on the desk, turning to him. He gulped, his eyes shakily darting from me to the table. Then I realized he was trembling—and it was scaring me. His fingers dug into the sides of the table, like they were clinging on for dear life.

"Are you alright?" I whispered, my voice choking.

"Uh…yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." He sure didn't look it.

"What's wrong with you?" I demanded, my tone becoming harsher. All his muscles tensed up, seeming to struggle to stop the shaking.

"Nothing."

"Edward," I growled through my teeth. I was thoroughly worried. "Please."

"I—I—am just following through," he stuttered. His face turned an odd shade of…green? "I got a go," he spat, his hand clenched on his stomach. He raced out of the room. I wanted to follow, but just as he left, Mr. Frankie sauntered into the classroom. Great.

**Edward Cullen**

I had literally run away from Bella. Stupid, stupid Edward!

But decided that it was best, since my breakfast ended up in the trash can, and not on her.

The nurse stuck the thermometer in my mouth—and I knew I didn't have a fever.

"How long have you been like this Edward?" she asked sweetly. As if she didn't already know what was happening to me. Even the tiny little stick that was under my tongue shook violently—despite my efforts to surpass the trembling.

"A day or two," I answered honestly. She nodded.

"I know this is a private question, but to ensure that nothing happens to you—I need to know if you've taken any drugs," she told me, almost a sense of scolding rolling off her tongue. I decided to answer truthfully, again. My character was healing quite nicely.

"No. It's the fact I haven't…" I trailed off. She nodded heavily, her brows furrowing.

"That's good. Most kids see their life's going nowhere by their senior year…" she went on. I kind of phased out as I waited for Esme to come and get me. The nurse wouldn't let me drive myself home, even though I was legally an adult. Something about liability.

I thought about Bella a lot, nothing new. But if my brain were a pie-chart, every second the 'Bella' slice would increase in size. Until me my head was exploding from the seams.

To my surprise, Bella stumbled right into the nurses' office. I smiled widely, trying to suppress the shaking. But her being near made my whole body loose—unable to control itself. Her expression was worried.

"Oh, hi again Bella," the nurse said coolly. "Sprain your ankle in gym?" Bella blushed deeply, and shook her head. She must be in here often…I chuckled slightly at the thought, but then cringed at the amount of times she must get herself into some painful situation due to her clumsiness…

"I think I have a fever," she said quietly. My whole chest swelled just hearing her voice—to where my heart was pounding too hard to control.

"Okay, I heard about your infection. It's possible. I'll call your father to come and get you," she said, hurrying out of the room.

Bella and I were alone, and the awkward feeling that I thought diminished from the night before returned. What was it about her that sometime I felt like I was going to explode from either anxiety or happiness? Oh, yeah. The fact that I had some God forsaken, uncontrollable, and completely wretched infatuation for this fragile little girl. And she had no idea….

**Bella Swan**

I felt the fire burning in my chest as soon as nurse Jill left the room, to call my father. I was hoping for a moment alone with Edward, who I'd come to compare to some forgotten god of beauty. His untidy hair glimmered strangely in the fluorescents. He smiled sheepishly, his eyes smoldering with an unreadable emotion.

"Come here often?" he asked, raising his eyebrow. Even though he looked terrible, he still pulled a fast one. A dazzle. Then his face twisted, and he snorted. "I'm sorry, I truly didn't mean that to sound like a pick-up line," he murmured apologetically. I laughed lightly.

"Hey, it's a matter of time someone started hitting me," I giggled. He grimaced.

"Surely someone else besides me in this school has taken an inappropriate interest in you besides me. You are very beautiful." I blushed deeply at his sweet words. But the truth was…no.

"If you haven't noticed I've only communicated with like what, ten people in this entire school. I'm not a social butterfly like Alice." He shook his head disapprovingly.

"If you insist on you seeing yourself like that, I'm afraid I shall correct you every time."

"Correct me?" I scoffed.

"Yes. You obviously do not see yourself clearly…so I'm going to right your wrongs. That sounds sort of cliché, but I don't like your self-image," he protested. I grinned, looking to the ground. I couldn't believe that he saw me better than I saw myself.

"Do I have permission to do the same for you?" I asked. He smirked.

"Permission denied," he said curtly, my favorite crooked grin appearing on his face for a split second.

"Why?" I whined.

"Because I know who I am…how I got here…and what my chances are at a future. You have no idea of your potential. Because you have so much." I smiled, but I saw who he was, and he had much potential as well.

"People change. You could change. As a matter of fact, I've seen you change right before my eyes," I reminded. He nodded in agreement. That was a start.

For a while we were silent. It grew very uncomfortable every time I caught him looking at me—the blush rushing to both of our faces.

Edward Cullen. Blushing. This must be a dream.

The awkwardness was desolated when Mrs. Cullen came strolling into the room. Her heels clicked on the marble floor—her mascara ran eyes obvious evidence that she'd been crying.

"Edward!" she cried, both worried and scolding. "What have you done?"

Edward just stared at his quivering hands, avoiding eye contact with his mother.

She sighed heavily, then noticing I was in the room. "Hello Bella," she said, trying to re-mask her chipper mood. I waved effortlessly. "What brings you here?" The question probably was actually, '_what is my son doing in here alone with you?'_

"I think I have a fever. Charlie get's worried a lot…" I lied. Yes, I lied so I could follow Edward.

How middle school and pathetic.

She nodded, and then her eyes returned to Edward.

"Let's go, honey," she said quietly. He stood up, his head still ducked. Though he towered over Esme, she still put her hand on the small of his back, leading him out of the room. He shot a sorrowful look back at me just as he exited my view.

Nurse Jill came in just as he left, clapping her hands. "Chief Swan will be here soon enough. Would you like some water?" she prompted. I shook my head, relaxing in the stiff chair. Not only would I go the rest of the day without seeing Edward, but I would spend the rest of the day alone. And…alone obviously didn't work for me.

_Please don't ever hurt yourself over him again._

Those words I held close in my heart—both logically and emotionally.

**Edward Cullen**

"You…just can't keep doing this to yourself, Edward!" Esme exclaimed in a sob, driving down the road. I worried that the veil of tears that streamed down her face would not let her see the road, but she was all to used to this. "I can't stand this anymore! I don't understand where I went wrong." Her chest painfully ripped, and I could feel the ripping pain in my stomach. The secret I had hidden so long from myself, now only one person knew. And I wished I could tell the one person who could understand on such a maternal level. Because she _was_ my mother.

"Please, Esme," I pleaded quietly.

"Don't _please Esme_ me! I'm your mother! How can you do this to our family? Why do you have to tear us all a part?" she cried.

"I—don't know," I lied.

"The hell you don't. There is something you're keeping from me, and I want to know what. What made my innocent little baby…this?" Why had her pain never hit me this hard? Had it ever been so strong, had the walls I'd spent so long building up finally be torn down…just enough for me to finally see the monster I'd become?

"I'm sorry," I told her.

"I don't believe you. _I'm_ sorry, but I have had enough. Your father and I have had enough. We will do something!" she yelled, swerving a little on the road. I knew this was getting dangerous.

"There is something I have kept from you, but it's too late to do anything now," I spat. I would let it stop there. It had to.

"It's never too late!"

I sighed, shaking my head. "Please, just listen. It's far too late…the damage is done. I am getting better…somehow." Images of Bella rushed into my face. "But nothing would be gained by anyone knowing what happened to me. Just that it did." Then why did I tell Bella? I could have just told her flat out: traumatic childhood event. Was I just so selfish that I craved her attention and sympathy…or did I actually trust her?

Trust. It took Alice years to gain it; Tanya only reached a certain level that I let her into my bed…but Bella was different. Instant trust, instant gratitude. I overwhelmingly loved the fact she knew who I was. And she returned that trust by telling me what had happened to her. She could have said the same thing: traumatic childhood event, but she didn't. The only explanation was that I gained her trust. Instantly. And for some reason, I found that fact so irresistible.

"Why don't you want to tell anyone?" she inquired, her anger faded.

"Because, it hurts too much," I admitted. She nodded.

"Would you object to seeing a professional psychiatrist?" Blood rushed through my veins, the pain of actually sharing such intense memories with a stranger…

"Yes I would object!" I yelled. She flinched away from me, and a slouched back in my seat. "For now," I added.

"All in good time," she whispered to herself. But being the superbly good hearer I am—I picked up on it. "Carlisle left the hospital early; he'll be waiting at home with some medicine." Medication wouldn't help. And I knew that.

"Okay," I muttered.


	11. Chapter 11 Making Amends

**The moment of truth for Edward. Major change, major improvement. Enjoy.**

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* * *

Edward Cullen**

**Making Amends  
**

What had I done?

The tears that Esme silently shed as we pulled into the driveway were heart wrenching—unbearably horrid. I must be a monster, making the most influential, sweet, motherly woman cry. I made my mother cry! She was right; I had been tearing this family apart for all too long. If anything was a motivation to change, finally seeing the twisting pain that had erupted in our family was it.

She pulled the keys out of the ignition, tossing them into her purse. She looked at me with a pained looked—which cued my heart break—and just put her forehead on the steering wheel.

"Esme," I whispered, reaching my hand for her. Before I could set my hand on my shoulder, she slammed her fist against the dashboard.

"Just—go—now," she spat—tears evident in her cry. I opened the car door, feeling as if my legs were numb. Numb was a perfect description of what I felt. I didn't feel like I was walking—like a whole other person was making them swift up to the porch. I went inside the house, expecting the usual lecture. And for the first time, I craved punishment. I wanted everything to be ripped away from me. Because I deserved it.

I absently walked through the house, my mind unaware of what it was searching for. I peeked into the rooms, not helping but making my footsteps loud. I came across the dining room, perfectly set for four. The seat at the end had no stetting, the chair lined with dust. I walked over to it drawing my finger across the armrest. It was true, I thick layer of dust from lack of use had grown over the chair. My chair.

How long had it been since I sat down to eat dinner with my family. I was either out partying…or otherwise. But had it really been years since I'd sat down in my chair. Just trying to remember pained me, because if I was a true part of this family—I wouldn't have to try.

I continued through the house, searching for the unknown. A figure in a forgotten doorway caught my eye.

His bronze hair was untidy—not even seeming it had been brushed in days. His clothes were sloppily thrown on, and bruise-like shadows seemed to be carved right bellow his eyes. His glistening green eyes were framed with webbing red lines—broken blood vessels. He looked like a mess.

This wasn't a doorway. This was a full length mirror. And this horrible picture I had before my eyes was evidently me.

Who would give someone like me the time of day, the hope?

Alice had been all too fair, too forgiving. Bella had somehow entered my heart…though I wasn't completely sure if I had done the same.

My parents had put up with me. Somewhat.

I had people who loved me, and for so long I'd used the excuse that they had no idea what I had been through. They were never judging me, never trying to turn me by their expectations. They were trying to help me.

And I had failed them.

Could I ever atone for the pain I had caused for all these years? Could I ever make up for the heartbreak, the worry, the agony? I found it ironic that the time I chose to heal, no one had the tolerance to listen. It's like they already believe I'm past the brink, that there is no room for backtracking anymore. They finally gave up. So I knew what I had to do.

If they wouldn't offer me the time of day, I would demand it.

My mind and heart flooded with the long deadened emotions—erupting inside me like a volcanic reaction. I thought every tiny feeling like this had solemnly died with my hope. But I learned that it too was slowly returning. O so slowly.

I ran to my room, knowing what I had to do to change myself for the better. It wouldn't be easy, because I had been known to have a manipulative personality. So I would have to make this pretty damn believable.

I jumped into the shower, the searing water easing my quivering body. I would have to force that to stop. I needed it to stop.

Once that was done, I combed my uncontrollable hair—making it as tidy as possible. Not easy. I splashed some cold water on my face, hoping that it would help the purple splotches under my eyes. Next, I ran to my closet—shuffling through my clothes. I found some outfits that Esme bought for special occasions. Of course they have never been worn, but that would change before dawn.

I took one last glance in the mirror, straightening out my red polo shirt, with my denim jacket on top. I was wearing blue jeans that weren't torn—and I found that I actually liked this look. It could be a good and decent style for the Edward Cullen I was determined to revive.

Esme was in the kitchen—I heard according to the clanking of pans. In the center of the living room…I saw it. My piano.

Like my dining chair, an even thicker layer of dust had built over my ivory keys. I pulled my sleeve over my wrist, wiping it away. I sat down on the piano bench, forcing back the uncontrollable ripples in my body. I placed my finger on the keys, trying to refresh everything I had been determined to forget. And with simple memories like how to play the piano, came everything else. And it hit me like a wrecking ball.

I held back a sob, as I pressed lightly on the keys.

And it was as beautiful as ever.

The shuffling in the kitchen came to a halt as I continued to play.

I continued to practice using simple melodies. Moonlight Sonata played through my fingers…fading through me. I felt my eyes start to flood with tears…not exactly knowing I was capable of that anymore. I forced back a smile as I engulfed myself in an old song I had written for Esme in the fifth grade.

My fingers caressed the keys gently, making the beautiful sound outstretch as far as it would go. I couldn't help but smile now, remembering the moment I had wrote it.

_I had never felt so alive._

_As my fingers drew across the keys, I wrote down simple notes on a piece of paper. I went over and over certain parts of the melodies—complicating it with accents, crescendos and diminuendos. I felt Mom's hand squeeze my shoulder affectionately, kissing me a top my head._

_"What are you playing, Edward?" she inquired, ducking her head next to mine._

_"It's a surprise, Mom," I told her smugly, keeping my eyes on the piano keys. "But I think it's ready."_

_"Ready for what?" she laughed._

_"For it to be played to the person who inspired it." She took a little breath of air, and then sat on the bench next to me. She eyed the sloppily written piece of music with 'Esme' written at the top._

_"For me?" she asked, stunned._

_"Yes," I told her. Then I began to play._

_Once I was finished with the intricate, slow melody—she was indeed speechless. She wrapped her arms around me kissing me on the cheek. I couldn't help but blush._

_"That was the most beautiful piece of music I've ever heard," she said into my hair._

_"Only for the most beautiful mother in the world," I choked through her tight grip._

_"Hardly. I just love you a lot," she laughed._

The tears poured down my face as I remembered the sweet memory. Those moments I hadn't even cherished in the past years—because I chose to forget everything. I wanted to start over, but not in the healthiest way. In attempt to forget the most painful of memories, I forgot the most wonderful of them too.

My fingers came to a standstill as I felt my shoulder being gripped. I smiled through my tears and began playing again. The melody I had written so many years ago had only grown more beautiful as my playing skills were refreshed. I had forgotten how much I loved to play.

"Edward?" she asked quietly, as if she were asking if it was truly me. When I didn't respond, she sat down on the bench next to me. Wordlessly she wrapped her arms around me as I still played. I could feel her silent sobs ripping in her chest. I drew my fingers away from the keys and hesitantly wrapped my arms around her. "Edward?" she repeated.

"Mom," I murmured. Hearing my reference to her made her arms wrap around me even tighter.

"I love you, so much," she said quietly backing away from me. Her face was even more wet than before, but an indescribable smile was beaming towards me. I couldn't help but return it.

"I…" the words hitched in my throat. But I needed to tell her. "love you too." She nodded, and then kissed me on the forehead.

"Is this what you've been trying to show us…the weird, less troublesome behavior?" she asked quietly.

"Yes."

"Oh," she cried, burying her face in her hands. "I should have known…I'm a horrible mother!" I put my hands firmly on her shoulders.

"No. If anything I'm the horrible son. It's expected when someone has been at rock bottom so long ago, to lose hope. Please don't blame yourself for _anything!"_

"Oh, but Edward," she muttered. "I never lost hope. I just lost patience." How could she have still believed I would make it out of this? I'm still finding it hard to believe this isn't some knee jerk reaction to some overflow of guilt. But I had to try.

"I don't deserve your faith…for far too long I've been this person I don't even know. And I the moments when I finally feel like the little things Alice does, or the hope you show…it's making a difference in me. But the thing is, I didn't deserve this much hope up to this point. What has it been, nearly seven years?" She nodded solemnly.

"From whom you were…before…I just always knew that somehow you would dig yourself out of the whole you dug to protect yourself. It's a mother's intuition, and luckily Alice picked up on some of it. She really helped, didn't she?" she asked. I cocked my head, my mouth forming into a thin line. Then I nodded.

"Okay, from that I'm guessing another factor in your life has changed. What has it been, a month…?" She was mentally shuffling through her memories. I knew, just like Alice, would recognize the seemingly minor difference in my life. But it was majorly huge. Enormous.

Her eyes suddenly widened, and she murmured something quietly something.

"What?" I asked, already knowing what she was going to say. I winced, preparing for her angry wrath. I could imagine it: '_Stay away from her, she's Alice's best friend!'_

"Bella." It wasn't a question. "Oh, Edward, I knew she was a wonderful girl for some reason!" she whispered, taking me into her arms.

"You're not…mad?"

"No, she woke up my baby. I can't take away whatever she gave to you," she said quietly. "Maybe Carlisle shouldn't know for now. He was utterly worried when you'd visit Bella. He believes you're going to take advantage of her." I thought that would be best anyways. "Which I know you won't do," she said, almost like she was scolding me already.

"Never," I whispered in an assuring tone. "She has given me a reason to live." She let out a stifled squeal.

"Who knows?"

"Just Alice and Jasper. But Emmett doesn't being dumb and all…" Before I could finish, Esme smacked me on the back of the head. Just like she used to when I'd talk bad about Emmett. I couldn't help but smile at the cliché, old habits die hard.

"Hey, just brotherly rivalry. But seriously, he'd go to the hospital every day with us and not even notice the completely infatuated looks I'd give her…"

"You've given her The Look?"She asked, stunned.

"Attempted. She's like a friend right now…but I know there is a connection." Esme didn't know how deep our roots ran together. And the fact I loved her. That was just between me and Bella. More like me…but whatever.

"This is wonderful. If you need any womanly advice…you know me," she laughed. She kissed me on the cheek and then got up from the bench. "I missed you, baby."

"I know," I chuckled.

"Just curious, if you're 'stopping,' why are you trembling?" she asked. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Withdraw." Simply put. She nodded, and then a smile stretched across her face. She clicked her high heels as she went back to her cooking. I smiled widely.

I placed my fingers on the keys again, struggling to describe the level of joy I felt at the moment. I had my mother back, and I could spare her all the pain from now on. But also, I had admitted my feelings to her, and I felt as my trust was growing. My capability of trust.

These feelings finally found their way out in the form of a malevolent but stunningly beautiful song. Though I did not have a piece of paper to write it all—I already knew the title. For it was one little aspect of my life that had motivated me to change.

_Bella,_ my new song would be named. Though, I knew it would never be able to live up to her beauty.


	12. Chapter 12 Finally

**The chapter speaks for itself. Enjoy!**

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* * *

Bella Swan**

** Finally**

Had I not gone to bed so late, I wouldn't have been running dangerously late for school.

I quickly ran a brush through my brown hair, and put it sloppily in a bun. I slid on a blue blouse, and some shorts. I knew Alice would be disappointed and disgusted. But I'd rather get to school on time than attempt to look extraordinary. I knew I'd always be the opposite in the end.

I ran out the front door, my backpack flopping on one shoulder. I swung the backdoor, fumbling in side. This usually happened, me landing on the squishy leather seat, but what I crashed into felt strongly odd.

I winced in pain, closing the door with my eyes still closed. When my vision blurred back in, I swore I was dead. I had never seen such a beautiful image, so angelic. The angel smiled awkwardly, and reached to brush some dirt off my blouse.

"That was quite a fall," he chuckled. I was still stunned from the undeniable beauty. "Bella?" he prompted, worry growing in the angel's voice. His green eyes glimmered with some unfamiliar emotion….

"Am I dead?" I muttered. He laughed hard, making the whole car rattle even as it drove down the road.

"No, I'm afraid not," he snickered, patting my dampened hair down. I didn't flinch away from his touch, it felt strangely…amazing. "Though I could see why you could relate me being here to being in hell. Though I can't imagine why you'd be there…" he mused. "Killed anyone lately?" I sneered at his humor. No way could he find his way into hell, his beauty is all too pure.

"Sorry," I murmured. My state of shock faded, my vision of Edward clearing. It was Edward…but not the one I was familiar with. His hair was still as always, untidy, but it was gelled into perfect spikes. And rather than that black leather jacket, he just wore a plain grey tee shirt. Could he even know how his abs were beautifully pronounced through the shirt?

This _was_ Edward. And he looked pure, seeming as though his troubles faded. His smile widened as I examined him, and he began to stifle a chuckle.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, turning around to face Alice. I felt Edward's hand place itself on top of mine as it sat subtly on the car seat. I blushed deeply, turning to face him again.

"Please don't be. I know I look _a lot_ different." He smiled my favorite crooked, cuing my entire heart to melt. Wait. Why?

_Universe: Please explain why you have befuddled me with this new Edward Cullen. Tell me why I'm about to start drooling all over myself. Now._

"Kay," I choked out. Edward's hand absently tightened around my fingers. We had been closer than this, but why was I completely anxious, nervous…excited?

Once we arrived at school, Rose shot me an ecstatic look as she eyed Edward's hand on mine. My lips tightened, signaling 'I know!'

"So," Alice murmured as we all walked up to the school in a group. Edward. Next. To. Me. "Me and Rose…gotta go. See you at lunch!" she spat, speeding off with Rosalie. I turned to Edward. He blushed slightly as I eyed him like the most delicious desert in the world. I mentally smacked myself. He nervously ran his hand through his hair, and sighed.

"What do you think?" he asked me, waving to his new acquired wardrobe.

So many truthful words: Sexy, perfect, luscious, handsome, drop-dead gorgeous…and what do I say?

"Great," I said curtly. "As for me…"

"You. Are. Amazing." He said, defining every word. I blushed so deeply I thought my cheeks were on fire. I noticed others eyeing the two of us; some eyes filled with surprise…some interest. I threw those a glare.

"Thanks," I said, my eyes returning to his perfect crooked smile. I felt him take his hand in mine, and pull me up the school steps. I felt complete when his hand was in mine…the warmth flowing effortlessly through my body. Like we were one. Then there was the electricity, the current that flowed through us. It felt amazing.

We sat down in class, and I noticed that his chair was abnormally close to mine. And I couldn't help but love that fact. The closeness didn't feel the same as it did before…confusing and painful. I craved it, I loved it, and I adored it! I was doodling in my notebook, class due to start in exactly two minutes. I felt Edward's fingers flop my little bun—him giggling as it continued to swing.

"Having fun with my hair?" I accused, my eyes moving to him. His lips were pulled over his teeth, holding back a laugh.

"Maybe." His hand moved to mine, and he traced little circles on my palm. "I want to know if this makes you uncomfortable." I sighed.

"Amazingly," I said quietly, "not anymore." He smiled at that, and he held my hand even tighter. "What happened to you?"

"I," he choked, "I needed a change. My life was going nowhere, and my family was falling apart. This was the least I could do." He waved towards his outfit again.

"Are you feeling better?" He grimaced slightly.

"Quite," he said tersely. "How about you," he said, almost accusingly. I scowled at my wrist.

"I sort of lied about the feverish thing…." He let out a fake gasp, making me grimace. "I wanted to see you," I admitted. He smiled again, and moved our entwined hands.

"I've done the same," he reminded me in a whisper, just as class began. And he didn't let go of my hand the whole class.

**Edward Cullen**

Holding her hand. Big step. She took it amazingly well, as she put it. The best part, I held her hand for a whole class period. Had I ever felt more alive? Nope. Never.

As the bell rang, sadly signaling mine and Bella's time was over, she blushed a deep red—examining our entwined fingers. She smiled up at me, and I tried to give her a warm smile, but I couldn't help but seem like I was drooling. Was I? Because the way she just threw her hair into the bun was just adorable.

O how she had softened me.

"May I escort you to _our _next class, Miss Swan," I said formally, pulling her up from her seat. The surrounding students sent some odd glares our way, but I ignored them—focusing all my energy on Bella.

"Okay," she said a hint of excitement in her tone. She blushed an even deeper red as we walked down the hall. I had released her hand in hope that people would stop staring at her. I knew she hated being in the spot light, a lot like me. But when they didn't stop just by the fact we were together, she grabbed my hand—holding it in the air proudly. I chuckled at her attempt to make me feel more comfortable. She was so self-sacrificing.

We sat down at our desk, not quite holding hands because everyone's eyes were on us. Some goody-two-shoes jock-wannabe was looking at me with a grimace from the corner of my eye. I sighed, and turned around to look at him dead in the eyes. Me staring at him with such intensity automatically made him flinch back in his seat.

"Be careful," I nearly growled. "You might burn a hole in the back of someone's head with a glare like that." He just gulped and nodded. I chuckled as I turned around. Bella jabbed me in the ribs, and for a second time it hurt like hell!

"Be nice," she said through her teeth, but then smiling sheepishly up at me. Then class began, it was worth the droning lecture to know Bella was safe and sound at my side.

**Bella Swan**

"Here, let me pay for you," Edward insisted as he pulled out a five dollar bill. I shook my head, holding out the money I had for the lunch lady to take. She raised her eyebrows, as if suggesting I should comply with Edward's offer.

"Okay," I groaned, stuffing the money back in my pocket. I took my tray, and he soon followed by my side.

"Thank you," he said. His breath washed down my neck, his lips only inches from my ears. I couldn't help but shiver, though the breath was warm like fire.

"Uh huh," I choked out, still searching for an explanation to my anxiety. Towards him.

Once we reached our table, the seating arrangement was different. Alice had conveniently placed a huge pile of books on the seat I usually sat at—which obviously forced me to sit on the other side of the table. By Edward. Oh, crap…could I ever hold myself together any worse?

"I guess you're sitting by me today," he chuckled. Had he and Alice planned this? Was our strange 'connection' of sorts not secretive? Well, of course it wasn't. I had flaunted the fact we were holding hand in the hallway. I wasn't ashamed, I was just unsure of what this relationship…if it was even that…is.

"Did you plan this?" I accused in a whisper as I sat down next to him.

"Nope." Once I had settled, I noticed the suspicious eyes of my friends. Bouncing back and forth between Edward and me. The only eyes that had no sign of 'stun' were Alice and Jasper. Of course they knew—them nosy cowards.

"Oh. My. God," Rosalie gasped, leaning forward to glare at Edward.

"Dude!" Emmett said loudly, his mouth dropped open.

"I don't get it," Rosalie muttered, running her fingers through her hair. Alice chuckled, sounding like a chorus of bells.

"Allow me," Alice said with a smile. "First of all, Edward's back. Second of all…" her smile beamed. "HIM AND BELLA ARE TOGETHER!" she squealed. I felt Edward flinch towards me, his hand grabbing for mine. Like I was his life raft.

"Please, Alice," he said quietly.

"What?" she whined. "Oh, did you want it to be a secret?"

"Not a secret, just not a public fact!" he spat. His eyes turned to me, his eyes filled with sorrow.

"S'kay," I told him, tracing his hand with one finger. He sighed…in pleasure? I continued and gauged his reaction. Yes, he enjoyed it.

"So you're not on heroin anymore?" Emmett blurted. Rose reflexively jabbed him in the ribs, which I'd noticed was becoming a habit out of her. Emmett and his big mouth.

Edward was silent, and he looked down at me, smiling sheepishly. "No," he answered, complete honesty in his voice. "No more of that."

"Boos?" Rosalie prompted. Edward shook his head proudly. Alice flashed a devious smile as she buried her head in Jasper's shirt.

"Thank you," I whispered. He put his free hand around my waist—making my heart jump with excitement. He held me closer to him, his finger drumming on my hip. I leaned into his chest awkwardly, since I had neither been nor wanted to be this close to anyone. I was pretty sure my body wouldn't allow it, but his touch was accepted, invited…craved.

"I have my little bro back!" Emmett bellowed, jumping out of his seat. He came over and dug his fist playfully into Edward's hair. He winced, holding me even closer to him. "Tag football, tonight!" he said, pointing at Jasper. Jasper sighed, and then nodded.

Edward pouted as he released his arms from me to try to pat down his hay-stack of hair. But it was like a spring, it would bounce back to its mess before it even had a chance to take a certain shape.

I patted him on the knee, smiling up at him.

"I like it messy," I whispered. The tone had been unintentionally seductive. So embarrassing. He smirked, and re-wrapped his arm around me. And I felt like we weren't two different people. We were just two halves that have been waiting forever to be put back together.

The realization of this fact, the absolute truth that he was my other half…made me think. From the moment I saw him, I was aware of everything that Alice had warned me of. Though the supposed dangers I was warned of had never made themselves known—though the mood swings did their share of scaring. But I never saw an alcoholic, an addict, I saw Edward. The Edward Cullen who had opened himself up to me, to trust me, was the person I knew was inside from the beginning. The specific and innocent surge in his smile, his erratic sparks of kindness, and even the individual and minor gestures…they put together a puzzle in my mind.

This was never what I believed it was. An attraction, an obvious acceptance, a surprisingly consistent tolerance—it was so much more. The broad adjectives that could be used to describe the sudden feelings that had been buried for so long couldn't begin to describe the feeling of him just being near. But one word, one feeling—one illogical emotion that has stretched itself throughout the lengths of time. All that is true, all that is real, all that is me involuntarily began to revolve around one simple but complex fact. Unexplainably life altering, but soul-opening.

I was in love with Edward Cullen. Though I never believed I was capable of such strong and absolute feelings anymore. But my swelling heart was all the evidence I needed to prove that I had changed. And obviously, so had he.

**Edward Cullen**

"You didn't have to drive me home Edward," she stressed as she climbed into the passenger's side of my Volvo. My prayers had been answered, seeing that the car was surprisingly clean. Obviously a random act of Alice.

"I really want to, though," I told her. "I thought we need to talk anyways." I saw her expression turn sour, afraid. I had never been in a true relationship—with feelings—so I had no idea what the words might have sounded like to her until they already came out. "It's good. _I _think so, anyways." Her expression lightened, the pressure on my chest eased up.

"Okay," she said, as if prompting me. I cleared my throat, watching the road carefully. I kept the speed somewhat low, so she wouldn't be afraid of riding with me again.

"I," I started. What was I supposed to say? I was so used to being blunt, forceful, how was I supposed to word the question I'd been wanting to ask her all day. "I wanted to ask you, if I—if you'd be my girlfriend." I cringed as the words slurred. I glanced at her, a smile spread across her face. She leaned across the armrest, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"Yes Edward. I will be you're girlfriend," she said quietly. Okay, that was one step. Girlfriend. Bella. Bella…girlfriend.

"I'm glad," I muttered. She leaned away from me, but still kept her hand on my shoulder, the feeling of her touch made my heart surge. "We don't need your Dad knowing though, do we?" She frowned.

"I see where you're going." She ran her free hand through her hair, and then sighed. "I think _we_ should be a secret until you build up your knew reputation."

"Of course," I agreed admiringly. "My father doesn't know about how I have changed. He hasn't given me the time of day for a while. But my mother does," I mused.

"I absolutely adore Esme," Bella agreed. I smiled.

"Um, well I guess we're here," I said, disappointment evident in my voice as we pulled down her gravel driveway.

"I guess so," she said with disappointment as well. She leaned over the seat, blushing the deepest crimson. She quickly pecked me on the cheek, then hopping out the car. My fingers brushed against where her lips touched me. I could still feel the pressure lingering—like fire but pleasurable.

"By Edward," she giggled, eying me through the window. I pulled my hand from my face and waved back nervously.

"Bye Bella." Then I drove away from her, but the kiss never leaving.


	13. Chapter 13 Rising

**This is for you Team Emmett.**

**Enjoy!  
**

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* * *

Edward Cullen**

** Rising**

I sat at the piano, somehow finding a way to pour out my feelings. Feelings that had never in themselves last longer than a cigarette. And they were all deemed responsible by Bella. My Bella. The Bella who has surprisingly took it into herself to accept my offer to be her boyfriend…

The song started soft, but mysterious. Every note symbolized the depth and darkness that I had been lingering in for far too long. It continued, hashing my pain for the fact that I thought I had lost myself.

But as the song continued, my fingers forced themselves to lighten. The mystery fades to surprise, that a small beaker of light had made itself the divine sun, the center of my universe.

Then the obvious feelings erupted, my heart goes soaring…because I'm in love. And no instrument in the world could describe exactly how that feeling can make you believe that you are enough. And knowing you're enough leads you down a better path to be _more _than enough.

"Edward, that's beautiful!" Alice called, literally prancing down the staircase.

"Thank you," I breathed, overwhelmed by its beauty. "Of course, you know, because I wrote it." I smiled at her, and she turned the smile. She clicked her heels—o how she was becoming our mother—and threw her arms around me.

"I-know-who-it-is…" she sang, a smile still beaming on her face. "You need to play it for her; I know she'd love it if it was from you." She was messing with a tie on her dress. "Oh, by the way, Chief Swan has to go investigate some murders up in Clark County, so he's going to be out of town. Bella's staying here." Both facts were brand new to me, but one stuck—making me groan.

"Charlie," I growled through my teeth. I slammed my fist down on the piano keys, making the most wretched noise.

"What?"

"He'll never, not even if I died, and came back the angel of purity, let me be with Bella. Never!" I said, nearly yelling. Alice hushed me, placing her hands firmly on my shoulders.

"Don't be so pessimistic. I know you'll find a way to charm Charlie. He adores me, maybe I can talk some sense into him," she suggested.

"Yeah, that'll work," I said, rolling my eyes. She grimaced and clicked away.

"You'll see," she mumbled. I noticed she was wearing an unusually fancy sundress—her high-heels at least a good six inches tall.

"Going out tonight?" I accused. She laughed, and peeked through the window on the front door.

"Yes, and here's my escort now." The front door swung open, and only in mere seconds was Alice in Jasper's arms. "Hey."

"Hey, honey," he said softly, a laugh stifling itself. "Hi Edward!" he called, lifting the hand that wasn't engulfed in Alice's grasp. I waved halfheartedly.

"I thought you and Em were playing football or something," I reminded him. He sighed heavily.

"He really didn't want to do that. So I'm his scapegoat," Alice informed. For some reason, I felt the fire burning inside me—waiting to break free.

"Is that was she's to you Jasper? An excuse?!" I yelled, standing up. I had no idea on Earth why I was so angry. I wanted it to stop but I couldn't find the will.

"Edward, no I—"

"A convenience? I would have never thought…"

"Shut up Edward! Listen to yourself!" Alice yelled, he eyes smoldering with an emotion I couldn't even interpret. I felt my muscles loosen, and everything break down. I fell into the bench, trying to replay the words in my head. The words that could apply to anyone.

The words that _could _apply to me.

I guess that there had been a part of me that saw myself as a horrible person. That used Bella as a reason why I'm getting my life together. Not a motivation.

But I had to make that voice in my head disappear, because there was no way in hell that was true. Bella was everything. I needed her more than I needed oxygen, food, drugs….

She wasn't a reason—an excuse. And not only was she the motivation to set things right in life…she was the incentive. Get clean, get the girl, right? Too cliché.

Get the girl, finally find happiness. Perfect.

"Edward?" Alice said quietly, resting her arm on my shoulder. "Do you need me to stay?"

"Please no, go," I assured her. I through a glance of sorrow at Jasper. "Look man, I don't know what got into me. It's just; she's my little sister…"

"I know. But now that you have a heart to care with, I want to tell you that no one is more amazing than Alice. No reason to get all protective when I'd never hurt her."

"And besides, we're the same age!" Alice reminded me.

"Nu-uh! I'm exactly seventeen minutes older than you." I smiled at her annoyed look. Jasper wrapped his arm around her waist, and led her out the door. They were lucky; there were no boundaries or rules to be followed precisely. Like an ex-trouble-maker dating the chief of police's daughter. Yeah, sure, I'm just too lucky, right?

I was about to continue with my playing, until Emmett hit me in the head with a football.

And no, I am not joking. He slugged it right in the back of my head.

His laughed echoed through the corridor, and he ran over and picked it up. I rubbed my head, trying to ease the pain. Touching it did not help. At all.

"What the hell was that for?" I demanded, standing up so he'd only tower a few inches over me.

"For the first time since the fifth grade, my little brother's going to play football with me!" he said, punching me playfully in the shoulder. I was tempted to punch him in the face, but I would hate to face the wrath of Rosalie when she found out. She had one mean kick in the crotch... I shuddered painfully at the memory.

"How about not," I said through my teeth.

"What? Too much of a girl to leave your beloved piano? I think not. Please, a little bonding for between me and the Edward I thought I'd lost?" he pleaded. I couldn't give into his little puppy dog face. Wait: a bear with a dog's face…strange.

"Fine," I snarled, snatching the ball from his hand. He beamed a smile.

We got out on the front lawn, and the football game became more of a game of catch, seeing there were only two people. From the "thinking" face Emmett had on his face, I could only assume this was more than bonding.

"Was there something you wanted to ask me, Em?" I asked him. He snapped out of his daze, not throwing back the ball to me. He tossed it to the side and sat on the ground. He patted the grass next to him, and I joined to sit next to him.

"I know that this will sound strange coming from me…you know, because I'm me," he said, trying to keep the mood light. "But I've always had this feeling of guilt, because I didn't talk to you like this seven years ago.

"When you see something you want in life, you gotta get it. You can't just let it pass you by. Rose was way out of my league—and with enough persistence, I got her," he said proudly. "This isn't about me though, this is about you. Bella is to you what Rose is to me: everything. I may not have seen it at first, but I can see it now. And you love her. She saved you, and she'll always have our gratitude for that. But can't you see that you haven't just healed…you've grown." I could hear the direction his words took. Though it did sound strange coming from him, he was right. I wasn't the Edward I was a few months ago. Nor was I the Edward from seven years ago.

"I understand," I told him. His eyes burned with hope.

"Don't let her go, because this family's not willing to lose you again," he told me sternly.

"I'm working on it." I felt defeated, but also inspired. My family didn't _want_ this in the first place. Just out of the blue, I became a whole new person. The last time I changed drastically, I changed into a disjointed monster. But this unintentional revelation that I had morphed me into a new person. That they were actually_ capable _of loving.

And I found that comforting in every bone of my body.

"I know that you think that people will never see you other than the big-and-bad Edward Cullen, but that just isn't true. Bella for example…"

"Bella was a miracle, Emmett. People do not have her compassion, her level of tolerance. She also hadn't been exposed to that _things_ I was for years." Bella was a miracle, like a once-dim candle light leading me through the darkest of darkness's. God, how did I deserve her?

"You can get your life back on track with enough direction. Just be the little Eddie we all know and love, and you'll get by just fine," he teased. And there goes the seriousness.

"Thank you, Emmett," I told him. He smiled. "I'm not good at this emotional stuff, but I'm pretty sure I should hug you." I smiled halfheartedly.

"And I am?" he laughed. I shrugged, and then before I knew it I was in one of Emmett's infamous bear-hugs. Oh Rose was one lucky lady….

"Eddie," he murmured in a snicker. I playfully punched him in the shoulder, and he hit me in the back of the head with a football that came out of nowhere.

Some things will never change, no matter how hard you try. And those things usually stay the same for the better.

The next day at school, I arrived just as the doors were opening. Never had I made any effort to spend any extra minute in this purgatory, but I believed it was necessary to make everyone love me as much as Emmett did.

Lovely.

All but a lone light flickered in the corner of Mr. Mack's office, him leaning over his desk with a book. I lightly knocked on the door, though I had already stepped halfway into the stuffy office.

"Yes?" he looked up from his book, and did that familiar squint that had been happening ever since my wardrobe had changed. "Mr. Cullen?" he exclaimed. He was completely stunned.

I flipped on the wall switch so that he could see the new me better. I had grown fond of it, and I think Bella liked it too. I had to do something for her this morning…

"Mr. Cullen?" he asked again, interrupting my thoughts. He wordlessly pointed to the chair across from his desk. The one I'd sat in too many times to count…but this time it was different.

As usual, I found it hard to find comfort in the stiff fabric—but I forced myself to stop fidgeting so that I didn't seem nervous. Though that was exactly what I was.

"And now I see it with my own eyes," he said with a slight smile. He leaned back in his chair, it squeaking with every movement. "The teachers have been seeing a very odd improvement in you over the past few months…very strange they say. Less skipping, better behavior…"

"Yes, I know," I cut him off. He nodded, pulling out a file from his drawer. It was about two inches thick—no doubt it was my permanent record. "I wanted to talk."

His eyebrows furrowed at first, as if searching for any hint of deceit in my eyes. Then they rose, arching above his eyes.

"What about, Edward?" I heaved a sigh, not prepared to be completely honest—but honest enough for him to understand.

"Me. What I used to be. What I want to be," I murmured. He nodded. He flipped my folder open, seeming some of the very first entries.

"Well, um, your troublesome behavior began around the seventh grade," he said to himself. "What happened?" My stomach could have been cut open and all my organs spilled and I wouldn't have felt so much pain. I felt like my heart was tearing itself out just by beating. Remembering everything.

"Don't tell anyone," I demanded, leaning into the desk. I clenched by hands over my stomach. "I was abused." The words, the truth—it hurt.

He didn't seem too surprised, but there was still wonder dancing in his eyes.

"By whom, might I ask?"

"It doesn't matter. He's probably rotting in hell right about now…but that explanation's good as any," I sneered. I didn't want to talk about that sadistic asshole.

"If you wish," he said lightly. "Destructive behavior is usually based off of traumatic situations. You shielded yourself for so long, that no one didn't want to take the time to look." I nodded in agreement. Though the words would be hurtful to anyone with a soft heart, I knew it was true.

"Now, you're becoming a man. You have taken it upon yourself to grow. It's a rarity, but is celebrated." He took a sheet of paper out a drawer, righting my name on top of it.

"What's that?" I asked him.

"I'm going to talk to your teachers. By the amount of times you've visited my office, you can't even know how pleased I am to see that you're asking for help. I am going to do so.

"I didn't ask—I just wanted to talk—"

"Son, please, let me do this for you. With this record," he picked up my file and dropped it back down with a _thud._ "And not to mention your terrible grades, you'll never have a chance in this world. Like I said, growing like you have is celebrated. Let me help_ you_," he urged. I couldn't pass up the chance to better myself. To be able to support myself; going to a good college, getting a good job—it's all a way to support someone that I love. Bella.

Oh, crap—I haven't even told the girl I loved her, not to mention we just started dating yesterday, and I'm already planning to _support _Bella. But the idea of marriage, a family, kids, retirement…

Oh shut the hell up Edward.

"Okay," I choked out. "What do you need me to do?" He smiled slyly and pushed the piece of paper with my name on it towards me. This was going to be a long morning.


	14. Chapter 14 Doubt

**Another Fluff Warning**

**This is one of my favorite chapters, and also the longest yet.**

**Enjoy (don't forget to read my notes when you're done reading)  
**

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* * *

Edward Cullen**

** Doubt**

So, Mr. Mack hadn't forced me to right an extremely long and wordy letter, dedicated to my teachers, but I was extremely exhausted--and school hadn't even begun.

I yawned as I lumbered down the hall, holding myself up on the bleachers. I wished that I had gone to sleep sooner, instead of playing the piano....

No regrets, I reminded myself. A little exhaustion is a tiny price to pay while you plan the perfect moment.

My vision was blurry, but I saw the trickling illumination shining through the windows. It was going to be a pretty day, too bad that Bella's week-long sleepover didn't begin in two days. This would be perfect weather to talk, perhaps sit on the hillside as we watched the sun set....

Damn it. I was becoming way too mushy, even for a soft guy. I had no idea if Bella liked the bad-boy, or if she just saw something soft in me. I pushed the way too romantic thoughts from my mind.

I suddenly felt something running down my shoulder. A caress, a fingertip tracing my exposed skin. It made me shiver, but not in the way that it felt like when Bella touched me. It felt a lot different--making my chest lock up painfully.

I spun around, seeing a face I didn't expect.

Tanya, with her seductive grin stretched across her face. She was wearing a shirt that was about two centimeters away from becoming a jog-bra, and shorts in some countries you'd be put to death for wearing. Not to mention her cleavage hanging halfway out of her almost-shirt.

In another time, another person, I would have been drooling my ass off, but I found myself feeling less and less like that. I was nearly disgusted.

She had no dignity; she was just desolating herself more and more. Bella wasn't like that. In fact, she had so much fear of losing the dignity she believed was taken from her that she closed up. And she was letting _me_ open her back up. But Tanya wasn't anything like Bella, she was the opposite.

"What are you doing?" I hissed, still shocked by her close proximity to me. She raised her eyebrow, and leaned in closer to me. Her hands pressed my shoulder blades into the lockers, and then ran down my chest. I caught my breath, and completely side stepped before her hands could go _anywhere_ else.

"Oh, Edward, why so _feisty?_" she said, almost in a purr. I'd always seen her as having feline-type features. It almost always worked in her advantage.

"Because we haven't spoken, or rather I haven't even seen you in two months. And now you're trying to get in my pants." My voice was rigid, and I was careful to stay a careful distance away from her.

"So you're not happy to see me?" she said mockingly with a pout. Now she was just being plain _childish_.

"Not especially." She winced, and the regained her ground.

She huffed. "That's too bad, because I'm especially _ecstatic,_" she said quietly, taking another step toward me. I stepped back even farther. "Oh, c'mon! I'm not going to push you into committing to me! I just want things the way they were. I'm over the whole love thing. That was _just a phase!_" She waved towards me. "We may not have the most stable relationship—but there has _always _been a physical connection."

"I'm sorry Tanya," I told her sincerely. Why was I still being kind to her again? "But you were never really more than a friend. And this time around, I'm going to keep it that way. I don't want _anything_ physical from you anymore." She took a few steps back, and leaned casually against the locker.

"You probably think I'm the biggest slut ever," she sighed.

"Yes." She smiled mockingly.

"Well maybe I am. But that _bitch_ you've being holding hands with, and hugging, she's an even bigger one," she said through her teeth. My chest vibrated, and sound hissed through my teeth. I _growled _at Tanya.

"Whoa there, big boy," she laughed. "I talked to Ray, by the way who dearly misses your business," she pouted, "and you know how he likes them quiet girls..."

"Shut up, Tanya," I said, right before I turned around to walk out the door. Tanya was right beside me, laughing devilishly.

"Also, I hear you've been avoiding the boys," she whispered. We were now in the school parking lot, and she was dangerously close to me. I stepped back, but she moved in sync with me.

"I believe if they _missed me_, they wouldn't wait around for me to talk to them," I told her. She nodded, and then glanced casually into the school parking lot.

"I bet you haven't been getting much," she said, once again seductively, cuffing my wrist with her hands. I shook my hands from hers and glanced out in the parking lot, seeing Alice's Porsche, with Bella leaning intently into the front seat. Watching Tanya's hands all over me. I threw her an apologetic look—hinted with annoyance.

My eyes were now glaring upon Tanya, who looked as she had just seen a ghost. I pushed her away, but it seemed like the movement was more voluntary than forced.

"Why would you even mess with something obviously damaged as _that?_" She jabbed a finger at Bella. "Why would you choose something like that over me?"

"Because Tanya," I growled. "It's not always about you. It's about her and me, and the way we are together."

"So in other words, she's everything I'm not?" she said accusingly.

"No," I said, almost feeling as if I was floating. "She's _everything."_

She laughed snidely. "I may not know what happened to you, but no one will ever understand you like I do." I smiled grimly, just one corner of my mouth curving.

"But she knows," I murmured smugly, almost smiling as I looked down on her. Her expression became heartless and evil.

"Bastard!" Then she was gone, and I was already moving towards Bella's car.

**Bella Swan**

I had been disappointed that when Alice came and got me this morning that Edward was not with her. When I'd asked her, she informed me that he needed to get to school early. That was out of character, though I wasn't sure what _wasn't_ these days.

It wasn't that I was not pleased with his transformation—I was. But I felt like that he was changing_ for _me, not for himself. I didn't want to create a whole new person, to change a life just so I can be happy. That was what worried me the most.

The drive to school was quiet, Alice and Rose reading the disappointment. As she pulled into the parking lot, Rosalie murmured something to Alice.

"What is it?" I asked. Alice lifted her hand wordlessly to Edward—more angelic looking than ever before. But there was a girl with him, clinging to him like a piece of gum on your shoe. He didn't look happy about it, but I still felt an overwhelmingly dose of jealousy burn through my veins.

The girl was Tanya, I recalled. Her red curly hair bouncing as she quite literally threw herself at Edward. He pushed her away gently, and then she frowned. She glanced toward the car, seeing me leaning in for a better look.

She glanced back to Edward, then stabbing a finger in my direction. Edward looked, and automatically saw me. He had an annoyed look on his face, and he shot back a glare at Tanya.

He was yelling. At her. Defending me at the least, perhaps. I really wanted to hear what they were saying—but they were too far away.

Tanya's expression deepened in pain, but false pain. Trying to play on guilt. She turned around a stomped away.

"Whore," Rosalie hissed as she climbed out of the car. I followed behind, and soon found Edward standing in front of me.

I stared into his vivid green eyes, feeling as if I had finally seen my life before me. The stared at me with such intensity that I felt a strong need to throw my arms around him and never let go.

"Sorry about her," he murmured, a smirk playing on his lips.

"It's fine. Looked like you were having a ball, though," I chuckled. He slowly approached me, his proximity closer and closer. I could almost feel the heat radiating off of him like a space heater. I wondered what it'd feel like to hug him….

Then my wonder disappeared. Without my body's permission, I had instinctively thrown myself _at him_. And his arms wrapped just as much around me. I was so lost in his chest, inhaling as much of his sweet scent as possible. I never wanted to let go.

I felt his face in my hair, as if he enjoyed and craved my scent as much as I did his. That in itself was hard to believe, on top of the fact his arms held me in an iron cage that he didn't want me to escape from. Which I wouldn't if I had the chance.

All too soon, the bell warned us that class would begin in five minutes. He let go of me, smiling so wide that the aura of happiness almost made me go blind. I smiled back, giving him one little quick hug.

"Ready for class?" he asked, holding his arm out for me to take.

"As long as you're there," I said, not really meaning it to sound seductive. So many times the words just popped out lustful and adoring. Because they were. I'd never been good at hiding my feelings. Except for one crucial emotion that made itself known more and more.

Time passed quickly when Edward was with me.

It was like we had our own little world, where nobody but he and I existed. We didn't need food, water, and oxygen—just the instant passion that glimmered in our bubble kept us alive. That is, until somebody breaks our bubble and sends us back into reality.

"Miss Swan," Mr. Frankie growled. "The answer?" My heart froze right there...thinking to much about Edward...

"I, um," I stuttered.

"Tribunes and Assemblies," Edward whispered smoothly under his breath, disguising a cough.

"Tribunes...and Assemblies?" I answered, more like a question. The teacher looked at me angrily, and then went into his lecture. I sighed with relief, and noticed Edward's eyes watched me with amusement. He pushed a sheet of paper my way.

_Preoccupied?_ It read in a shockingly beautiful script. Had Edward even wrote this? I didn't even see him write it. But he looked at me urgently, waiting for an answer. I scribbled a response sloppily but legible.

_Perhaps. _Why couldn't I say anything better than that. I could have said, _yes, I'm thinking about how madly in love I am with you. _But you see, that is not the way you keep the mood light.

He pushed the paper back towards me, and once again, I didn't even recall him writing anything.

_Me too,_ it said. My chest tightened with happiness. He was staring at me again, which only forced me to blush deeper. He was thinking about me, just as I was thinking about him.

_Then how did you manage to give me the answer?_ I looked at him expectantly, raising my eyebrows as I pushed the paper across the desk. He stifled a laugh.

_Oh, well Bella, I can multi-task. Now let's stop our day-dreaming an at least_ try_ to learn?_

I smiled sweetly at him, and stuffed the note in my purse. I was probably going to end up being one of those girlfriends who kept the littlest things as memorabilia of a relationship. But I didn't care, as long as I had as much of Edward as I could get.

I had just sat next to my now regular spot by Edward at lunch, despite that Alice's books suddenly were piled _under _the table rather than on my old seat. I couldn't stand to be away from Edward though. It was like...I guess an addiction. While I didn't know much about addictions, I did know a thing or two about habits. And...this was a habit I could get used too.

My stomach was a little unsettled as I thought about the event in the parking lot earlier that day. She had been so close to him, and wanted to be. Was he disappointed that I was not as willing to give up that part of me...that I wasn't ready for a physical relationship? Would he throw me away the moment I told him I didn't think I'd ever be ready?

Or worse, would he keep me around thinking that he felt the same way, and then go behind my back? The pain ricocheted through me—causing my stomach to wrench with pain. Would the Edward I know do something like that?

I groaned, dropping my fork, and Edward's arms were soon around me as if to cradle me from falling.

"Bella? Are you alright?" he whispered worried, his lips just a few inches from my ear. I was instantly breathless, and I just forced myself further into his arms. The others pretended like they weren't listening or watching, because they knew Edward and I were always in our own world.

"Not really," I mumbled. "Can we talk somewhere...in private?" I asked quietly. He nodded, worry spread across his face. Was he worried about my health, or what I wanted to talk about?

He took my hand, and walked me out the cafeteria doors. I immediately recognized the place we were going.

Under the bleachers, hiding ourselves from the slight rain that interrupted the sunny day. I tried to smile at the irony, how much things had changed in the past two months. Edward, me, and the conversations that were and were going to take place here.

"Nice, Edward," I muttered. He forced a smile, the worry and anxiety still evident on his flawless face.

"Is it bad?" he asked me, his voice lined with sadness.

"I—I don't think it's too bad. There are just some things that are worrying me," I said honestly.

"Okay." He sighed.

"It kind of started this morning...."

"Tanya was coming on to me, but she doesn't like anyone giving her crap..." he rambled.

"I just want you to think." I was choking on what I was asking. "I don't know how close you two were, but Alice said she left you. If she was trying to make up, and get back together with you...."

"Bella," he interrupted. "She and I were never together. I never wanted there to be an _us,_ and that's why she left. Then she came and decided that she didn't care if I didn't return her feelings. She just wanted _fun,_" he said, cringing on his own words.

"Do you want that?" I asked him.

"Want what?"

"Edward, please, spare my feelings and tell me if you want _sex!_" I yelled. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins, and my whole body was ripping to shreds. He was going to say yes, and I was going to say no, and then we were going to be over. I just knew it.

That little voice in my head told me no one would ever want anything as damaged as me. And now that I've helped Edward, he didn't need me, he didn't need anything from me. The voice told me that he was just using me to get his life on track. He never wanted me, every feeling I thought we shared was a lie.

I realized that I was on my knees, sobbing silently, Edward level with me, with shock across his face.

"Shhh, Bella, its okay," he cooed. His hand reached to cup my face, but I looked at him with what I could only imagine was an animalistic glare. He was instantly horror struck, backing away immediately.

"The hell it is! You used me; you never felt _anything_ for me!" I cried. His expression was pained, and he silently shook his head. "Lies!"

"Bella, please, you can't imagine what I'm feeling right now. With you." His voice was sincere, but hadn't it always been? Was he so charming that he could lie his way through anything. The voice whispered,_ yes._

"You and Tanya were meant for each other," I spat. "You were using me," I began to sob again. How could I let myself love someone so much, how could have I opened my heart up just enough to get hurt? Stupid!

Before I knew it, I was in his iron grasp once again. At one second, I welcomed it, and let myself melt into hit. But then I realized that these arms were the arms of someone who hurt me. I began to cry more.

I could hear him whispering something to me, but I couldn't understand the desperate words. I quieted my sobs, and realized he was repeating it over and over so I wouldn't miss it.

"...Tanya means nothing to me. Nothing! But you, you're so pure and kind, and confident—there is no one else but you. You are the absolute soul of my being and you have done more for me than anyone has done anything." He paused to let out a ripple of sobs. He was crying, too. I had never seen him cry, never felt such sympathy for his pain.

"You. Are. Everything! I can't live without you, and I want to die right now just knowing that Tanya's stupid innuendos caused you so much pain. But you need to know that I don't want anything but to spend my life trying to make you happy. Because just being with you is all I will really ever need," he continued. His face was pressed into my hair, and I could feel his tears on my scalp.

I stopped trying to claw away from him, and slowly wrapped my arms around his neck. He sniffled, and then back away so he could my face. And I saw his.

His eyes were bloodshot and gleaming with so much emotion that I couldn't even bear to look at them too long. His lips quivered as if he were trying to find the words to say.

"I'm sorry," he said. I nodded, and then put my hand on his cheek. He felt a little feverish, my finger tips flowing across his jaw.

He shivered to my touch, but then smiled.

"Cold?" I asked, returning his smile. My hand moved away from his face, but his swiftly flew up and put it back. He shook his head, which told me the enjoyed my touch. Maybe he shivered for the same reason I did when he touched me.

I traced his jaw, and then brushed some hair out of his face. His perfect green eyes glimmered with affection, watching me watch him. My finger tip reached the edge of his upper lip, and he shivered again when my thumb pressed into it. I had no idea what I was doing, except that it felt right.

He felt right, and I knew that every whisper in the back of my mind from earlier in my mind wasn't some gut instinct. It was a seed of doubt that implanted itself a long time ago. But as my heart grew, it too blossomed into a doubt that anyone could love me. But Edward felt so right, that I knew that the fact wasn't true. He may not love me, but he might as well. He said that I am all he really needs. Would it be safe to say the same applies to him?

I felt him drawing closer to me, both of my hands now cupping his jaw. He exhaled a warm, intoxicating breath, which only forced the gap between us to shrink. His hands were cupping my face just the same, the electric current flowing everywhere he touched.

The thought of how much I enjoyed being with him could never escape my mind. Was there a way we could be together forever, living harmoniously? Happily? I knew that there had to be, because no ultimate power could give me these feelings and not allow me to be happy.

Just as my lips were about to touch his, his velvet voice snapped me out of my trance.

"Are...you sure this is what you want?" he asked, sounding just as out of it as I was.

"Is it what you want?" I replied. He smiled.

"Yeah, I kind of to," he chuckled. He pecked me on the tip of my nose, and then stood up. "We probably need to get to class though." I sighed, and took his hand. It fit perfectly into his, no doubt I ever wanted to let go.

"I wanted that too," I said sadly. He held my hand to his cheek, and then kissed my wrist.

"I actually have a special day planned for when you come to stay with Alice on Friday; I think you'll like it."

"Oh, shoot. Guess I have to wait," I said with genuine disappointment. He kissed me on the top of my head and then led me inside the school.

Two more days. Two more days....

* * *

A/N:

**Okay, so a very hard chapter for me to write. Just to let you know, this wasn't planned at all. I was planning on Bella going to kick Tanya's ass or something, but at the last second realizing that that's out of character for _any_ Bella. Not only that, but I was just dying to make that moment they almost kissed _the_ moment. Because...I'm just mushy that way. But Edward said, "No, I have a better idea!" and I said, "sure, sure, now go write your lullaby!"**

**Okay, now I sound crazy... :S**

**Now some of the most crucial moments are going to be squished into the next few chapters, because I screwed up with the time period with the whole thing with Charlie going out of town a few chapters ago. So please, just imagine this is spread out longer, I'll try my best for it to seem that way. Good news is minimal filler chapters. Bad news is...well the entire story in itself may end up being shorter. Mess-up on my part, but I guarantee enjoyment.**


	15. Chapter 15 Disbelief

**I have nothing to say but ENJOY!**

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Edward Cullen**

** Disbelief**

My whole being rippled with excitement. Bella was going to spend an entire weekend at _my_ house, which was a perfect excuse never to leave her side. But the catch was I had to share her with Alice. The Alice who was never famous for sharing, despite her reputation as Angel Child. And if I knew Bella, which after recent events I felt as I knew her better than anyone, she would be dreading the infamous makeovers provided by Alice. I would save her just in the nick of time, so I could finally share with her my feelings.

Would she feel the same? Surely, I thought. She wouldn't have had a breakdown over me yesterday if she didn't. It was so painful to feel her try to claw away from me, but as soon as I thoroughly explained my feelings as possible, she instantly forgave me.

She was so fragile, so breakable. I needed to be careful, for her sake. For starters making sure that Tanya leaves me alone.

This reminded me of something she had said in between her seductive flutters. Something about Ray_...and you know how he likes them quiet girls... _And not to mention the conversation that he was having in the parking lot that first day. I remembered being mentally protective of her. Why didn't I have the guts to say anything?

Could Tanya have been telling the truth about Ray's interest in Bella. _My_ Bella?

No, I concluded. That was just Tanya being Tanya, trying to get inside my head.

It was Thursday, one day until Bella was coming. Ah, and she wouldn't be required to leave my sight for three days. In which she would truly know how I feel.

That morning, I rode with Alice to pick up Bella. Just as usual, she stumbled into the back seat, always finding a way to catch her foot on something and slam into my side. I was pretty sure, according to her deep blush, that it was always and accident. The only kind of accident that I actually_ enjoyed._

"Hi," she squeaked, staring deep into my eyes just as she did every morning.

"Good morning, sleepy head," I chuckled, snaking my arm around her shoulder. The way she fit on my side felt if she were _meant_ to be there. Like she was literally my other half. Cliché as it sounds; I couldn't find an explanation that allowed both of us, damaged, to be so close.

She ran her fingers through my mess of hair, admiring it has she held it up to the minimal sunlight laminating the car.

"I never noticed that you had gold in your hair. It's so beautiful," she said absently, wonder in her voice. "Oh God, did I just say that aloud?" She blushed a deep crimson, which allowed me a sly smile.

"Would it ease your embarrassment if I told you that you were the most beautiful girl I have ever seen?" I asked her sincerely. Could she get any more red?

"Yeah, um, now I think I'm really, really flattered," she murmured, hiding her face in her hands. I heard a quiet aw squeak from Alice.

"It shouldn't be a surprise to you, Bella."

"You always say stuff like that, but I'm not the kind of girl who shouts out to the world, 'hey, I'm pretty!' Modesty works for me," she huffed. I buried my face in her hair.

"I love that about you," I told her. She sort of froze for a moment, and then returned to her state of awe. Had I scared her with the _L-word?_ Was she not ready for that kind of feeling? Or was it a response to the fact that she feels that way? Or was I just imagining things?

Imagining, I decided, just holding her perfect body in my arms.

"So have you thought about college?" I asked Bella, sitting down next to her at lunch. We hadn't talked much about education; we'd spent our three days of official-dating learning everything about one another. I had asked her the most trivial questions, because a good boyfriend remembers the little things, right?

"Um," she hesitated. I had a small dose of anger as I thought of her _not_ furthering her education. She was so insightful and wise, there had to be a way to include herself in this world.

"Please tell me you've thought about college," I pleaded her.

"I probably can't get into anything good. I kind of want to go to Reed, it's not that crowded. An Ivy League." She sighed. "Feel better now?" I smiled at her teasingly, taking her hand in mine. Her hand burned like fire, though neither of us had a temperature.

"You'd think I'd be used to this by now," I murmured, glancing to our intertwined hands.

"Are...you uncomfortable?" she asked quietly, beginning to pull away.

"No! I mean, no, of course not. I absolutely adore this," I tightened my fingers around hers, feeling her pulse beating frantically against mine. "But I can't get used to the way it feels, the feelings I have with you. It's so blissful, that you think right when it gets like _this_...it will end. Obviously, it hasn't...."

"Then enjoy it," she urged, edging closer to me. "That's what _I'm _doing."

"Good."

"Good," she repeated, returning to her lunch.

I was growing into a completely new person, a person that was happy. A person that Bella could be happy with.

And though I was a different person, I was still somehow the same person I was when I'd met Bella. And with that, my love never died.

**Bella Swan**

Was it possible for your heart to pound so hard that it pounded right out of your chest? I was scared it was, because never had my pulse been so erratic and uneven. Or strong.

Just in one day, all my worries about me forcing Edward to change drifted, and I felt as if I knew him. Really knew him. Sure, we'd only been dating for a couple days, but there were rarely times were apart.

I couldn't stand for him to leave, because it's like part of you is leaving. And that part of me was my heart.

I was almost sure that he felt the same way, because as his hand let go of mine as he dropped me at my front door, he mirrored my pained expression. I wanted for him to stay so badly, like I'd give myself up just for him to stay. But he wouldn't allow that, and he'd will himself to leave me. Because all hell would break loose if Charlie ever found out.

Charlie.

Edward had been in trouble with the law before; you couldn't do drugs and get drunk without good old dad finding out. But was there someplace inside Charlie that would allow me to be with Edward? I mean, he sort of pulled me out of a wretched depression, not to mention almost_ killing _myself.

But I really didn't care if Charlie approved. It was my senior year, I was eighteen, and I was an adult. I would move in with Alice...which was also undeniably Edward...if I had to. And he'd never even let me live under the same roof as him. That was why, when I got inside, Charlie was still hesitant about letting me spend an entire weekend at Alice's.

"Are you sure you just don't want to stay her all weakened, I mean, the Cullens have a lot of kids," he mumbled, trailing off. He was sitting in the recliner watching some basketball game as I was fixing dinner. Poor Charlie couldn't even cook.

"No Dad, I want to stay with Alice," I said, trying to make my voice sound pout. He sighed.

"But if that Cullen boy causes you any trouble..."

"Who? Edward?" I asked him, sounding shocked. I decided to work a little daughterly magic "He's nice; he really got his act together. Alice tells me he's seeing a counselor, even picking up his music again."

"Hmm, really?" He sounded curious. "What does he play? Electric guitar? Bet he drives his family nuts...."

"No, Dad. Don't stereotype," I scolded. "He plays piano. He'd like to go to Julliard, too. He's trying to get some strings pulled, you know, since for most of his high school career he had very suckish grades." I laughed a little, remembering the pile of make-up work that practically reached his shins.

"You know a lot about him," Charlie muttered accusingly. Oh crap.

"I sit by him in two classes. I'm best friends with his siblings, who also happen to be his best friends. So in other words, we're friends." I cringed at Charlie's potential uproar. That never happened.

"Okay."

And that was the last he said about Edward that evening. Now, I was just looking forward to seeing him, and then staying with him the entire weekend. And I wondered what he and Alice had planned.

**Edward Cullen**

"I think now's a good time to talk to him," Esme urged quietly to me as we stood at the mouth of Carlisle's office. I was extremely nervous that he wouldn't be as accepting to this new me as Esme had. After all, he and I had a much more painful history.

"I don't know if I can." I closed my eyes, trying to calm down—but instead the memories came rushing back. I opened my eyes again.

"He hasn't even spoken to you in so long; I think he's just been so afraid of what you became."

Afraid of me. His own son. My heart twisted uncomfortably at him cowering from me, because of the monster he saw in me. I gulped and then nodded silently.

Esme kissed me on the cheek, and then motioned me toward Carlisle's study.

What words could describe my sorrow? My anguish? What words could even be a close enough apology for what I had done?

I entered the room, making my footsteps silent. His desk was facing the outer window, as if he were trying to stay as far away from this family without leaving. I couldn't imagine the pain this must have caused Esme over the years. Oh, Mom.

I began to open my mouth, but my eyes caught the velvet red couch, the buttons plucked across the armrest. I couldn't help but remember the night Carlisle came and got me from a party when I was sixteen.

_"Why...do you allllwaaays have to ruin my fuuuun?" I slurred, dropping to the couch in Carlisle's office. Why was it so uncomfortable? Who would ever ever want to sit in it?_

_"Son, I don't know what you took, but you're scaring your mother and I. We just want to help, but we can't take this any longer!" He yelled at me. He'd never yelled at me before. I laughed at his bravery._

_"Ha! As if you care. As if you ever cared! Go on, give up! This is what you get for the rest of your God damned lives! A screwed up son who loves to get high and drunk!" I laughed. Why was I laughing at my own anger? I began to stumble out of the study._

_"You walk out that door right now, and you are no longer my son," he threatened in a growl. I looked at him, and smiled._

_"That would be nice, wouldn't it?" I searched my head for an answer. "I never wanted to be anyways." I walked out._

_And since then, I wasn't his son. I was an occupant of this house, who was to move out right after high school. Then he would be rid of me._

I held back the tears that began to well in my eyes. I breathed deeply, and then exhaled sharply.

"Carlisle?" I asked. I wasn't sure if he heard me, so I called him again. "Carlisle?" He didn't turn around, but he sighed, dropping his book from his hands.

"What?" he asked, sounding impatient.

"I—there is something important we need to talk about," I mumbled, taking a few hesitant steps deeper into the study. He shook his head, still not looking at me.

"No, there is no way to pass a breathalizer," he sighed. He picked up his book again.

Was I really that much of an ass?

"No, I just wanted--"

"There is no such thing as a urine donor either, so don't plan on doing drugs if you have a job interview," he interrupted. I was growing impatient.

"Carlisle--"

"You can't borrow money."

"But--"

"You better not have wrecked that damn Volvo, oh, I should have taken that away a long time ago," he growled.

"Dad!" I yelled with such intensity that my whole chest started to pound with adrenaline. Even though I couldn't see his face, I could tell he was shocked. The way his head was cocked to the side reminded me of well, me, when I was undeniably confused.

His chair swiveled around slowly to face me. His face already full of shock, but his eyes widened as he examined me. He looked down at the book in his lap, open wide, but held no interest. He held it in his hand, and threw it to the ground.

"God, tell me I didn't die of boredom!" he moaned. His face was in his hands, breathing deeply.

"You're not the first person who thought they were dead when they saw me," I mumbled.

"Okay, so this is Edward Anthony Cullen, correct?" he asked in his doctor's analytical voice. My lips scrunched into a smirk and then I nodded.

"I kind of changed a lot in the past few months," I murmured, avoiding his stunned glare.

"I noticed," he said emotionless. "I don't...understand." I searched for the words, the words that would never come. I would just have to go with it.

"I'm in love, and love changes people, right?" I blurted. It was the first time I'd ever told anyone aloud I was in love. He could only guess who...but his jaw just hung open. I decided to go on, get all the shock over with.

"I have been completely clean for about two weeks. _Completely._ And this new wardrobe started this week. I've begun my make-up work for most of high school...and I've applied at a few colleges. Including Julliard."

His eyes were filled with disbelief, but as if he couldn't prove that I was deceiving him.

"I don't believe it," he muttered.

"I know you don't, but it's true. And it's for the better, right?" I smiled halfheartedly.

"Okay, so this is Edward Anthony Cullen, correct?" he repeated.

"The one and only," I said lightly. Carlisle stood to his feet, walking slowly to where I stood. For a split second, I actually believed that the kind and gentle Dr. Carlisle Cullen was going to kill me, but he wrapped his arms hesitantly around me.

"Dad," I whispered. He pulled me away from him, revealing his dear brimmed eyes.

"Damn it, I've got my little Edward back!" he cried in happiness, hugging me again. I didn't mind that people referred to me as that. That was the original Edward, right. The true _one and only_.


	16. Chapter 16 Liberation

**Don't know about you, but I didn't see this coming.**

**Enjoy.  
**

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* * *

Bella Swan**

**Liberation**

It was almost midnight that Thursday, and I couldn't sleep. I didn't know why, the humidity, the anxiety, the excitement? I just stayed up watching T.V. with Charlie, him still watching his basketball game. That was all he ever watched. Sports.

But I didn't pay attention; I was just imagining what the weekend had in store. Would I, or should I tell Edward I love him? Maybe that would be a horrible idea, considering the assumption is most guys have commitment issues. But a part of me believed that Edward wasn't other guys. There was so much about him that puzzled me, because he was unlike anyone I'd ever met. For years he had put up the defensive exterior, the ways he dealt with his pain. But underneath all that, looking at him as who he was and not what he used to be, he was gentle, kind, considerate, smart—and he was of course handsome. I always found a way to get lost in those big green eyes, vividly piercing my heart with such compassion that I could barely stand to hold in those three words.

_I love you._

My thoughts were interrupted by the annoying ringing of the phone. I groaned as I released my thoughts and got up to answer it.

"Who is it?" Charlie called, his attention still completely focused on the game. I glanced at the broken caller I.D screen—we hadn't replaced it yet.

"I don't know," I mumbled just before I picked up. "I broke it, remember?"

"Hello?" I said into the phone, still wondering who'd be calling this late.

_"Bella?"_ a shrill voice rang through the receiver. My heart beat unevenly, uncomfortably. I choked on a response. _"Bella, its Mom." Mom, _Such a vague and broad term.

"I know who it is," I growled, gripping the phone tighter in my hand. I walked into another room, so Charlie wouldn't hear. Her breathing was heavy, and I almost swore she was crying.

_"I just wanted to check up on you, baby."_

"I'm not your baby." I sighed, anxiously waiting for her to hang up herself. "And I was just—fine—before you called."

_"Bella, this is the last straw. I'm your mother! Just because I made a mistake doesn't mean you can disown me,"_ she said sternly. I didn't disown her; I was just trying to forget.

"It wasn't just any mistake. You believed _him_ over your own daughter!" I yelled. I heard the T.V. go mute, and Charlie hung in the doorway. It was about time he knew the truth.

_ "How many times do I have to tell you, I'm sorry!" _she cried.

_ Sorry is a way for making the one who caused the trouble feel better. Someone who is truly sorry wouldn't have done anything to be sorry about in the first place. _

The words echoed in my mind. The words that applied to her.

"Sometimes...sorry isn't enough. Sometimes forgiveness comes with time," I said softly. My entire body felt numb, but at the same time it hurt.

_"Will you ever forgive me?"_

"May—" I paused. "Never fully. But when I'm ready for you to be my mother again, I'll call you. But in the mean time, I don't want to hear from you again," I said. I realized tears were heavily flowing down my face. Charlie's expression was unreadable.

"_Bye, baby."_

"Renee'." And then I hung up. Charlie was just looking at me, trying to decode the conversation.

"What the hell was that about?" he demanded. The words, the emotions—they all broke free.

"Phil, he didn't go to jail for running me over with his car. He went to jail for _rapping _me. And Renee' didn't believe me when I told her. She apparently needed a doctor's opinion to make it true!" I spat. My legs felt like they had no bones and I just felt like collapsing.

Talking to her had rehashed all sorts of emotions, memories, and now Charlie knew. Why did he have to know?

"Bella," he said quietly, reaching for me.

"This is why I didn't tell you. I didn't want to be seen as a fragile little broken girl who needs babying. I don't _want _your pity. I want to forget! But this," I threw the phone to the floor—It shattering into hundreds of pieces, "hasn't...made...it...any better!" I was sobbing now. He reached for me more, but I just walked away.

"Isabella Marie, we are going to talk. Come. Back!" he yelled, but I continued walking up.

"There is nothing I want to talk about!" I yelled as I slammed my door. I felt an infuriating sadness rippling through me, the type I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt empty, lifeless, and useless.

"Isabella!" Charlie kept screaming, though I could hear both anger and sadness in his voice.

"Please—" I sobbed, tears rolling uncontrollably down my face. "Just please leave me alone, I need to be alone," I cried. Then the commotion stopped.

I was being consumed by my memories, being eaten alive by my pain. I knew of a way to fix it, a way to end this once and for all.

I lifted my mattress, grabbing at the only thing I hid there. It glowed, telling me that it would give me what I wanted so badly.

Relief.

My chest twisted in a sickening pain when the logical side of me begged my hand's approach to stop—but my skin tingled at the release I knew I'd get. If even for a split second.

_No one would miss you, _a voice in my head whispered. I had no choice but run down the list.

Charlie. _He lived without you for years, he can do it again._

Renee'. _If she loved you, she would have believed you the first time around._

My friends. _They were probably using you anyways._

A different voice in my head cried to contradict the other, the other that begged for this all to end. It was probably right, _no one would miss me if this all happened to end_.

I sat on the end of my bed, clenching the blade in my shaking and unsteady hand. Sobs continued to ripple through me, as much evidence the voice needed that a side of me wanted to continue. _To let go._

I'm letting go, nothing ties me to this world of pain.

I let the blade lingered on my trembling wrist. There would be no coming back, this would be it. All love I may have found might as well never have done any healing.

Love. Love?

_Edward, _the voice exclaimed silently.

He was everything to me, but I had no idea how he would react if I went through with this. Never to hear his soft velvety voice, to see his dark green eyes stare passed my shell with such intensity, never to feel his touch. But what if I was just company to him? Why would he even want to miss me?

Edward. _He used you._

No he didn't.

_He doesn't care about you._

I know he does.

_You aren't capable of making him happy._

It doesn't hurt to try.

My brain echoed with the contradictions, the falsehoods. I loved him, and I knew that somewhere in his heart he loved me. He had to. That chance made me decide to hold on a little longer.

But the blade still lingered on my wrist.

No! Why wouldn't my hand budge? I want to live! I need to live _for him!_

_"Goodbye, Edward. I'm sorry," _I sobbed absently. I didn't say that, I never tried to say that! My chest rippled one last time as I slowly increased the pressure on my wrist.

This is not what I want anymore!

_Enough of you wants it._

So many memories flashed through my mind, all squeezed into the smallest of seconds.

_"Bella, I'm sorry," my mother's tear filled voice cried._

"Bella!"

_ "...leave me alone," I whispered shallowly._

_ "You. Are. Everything!"_

_ "...Every time it's always this hard."_

"Bella!"

_ "...abuse..."_

_ "Jail for life."_

_ "Thank you," I whispered softly._

The moment of anticipated pain never came. I was lost in the deepening darkness of my memories. I felt a pair of arms snake around me, seeming to hold me back from myself. My sobs quieted, and I felt the warm arms tighten even more.

"Let go of it, Bella," the angelic voice whispered, the most intoxicating breath washing over my shoulder. I knew that voice. I remembered that voice. Was this some kind of out-of-body experience? "Let go of the blade." I could feel the sadness radiating from him, no sadness, please...

The blade fell from my hand, causing an echo as it bounced against the hardwood floors. My hand still hovering above my wrist, trembling hysterically. The person, who still held me, sighed, their sweet breath washing over my face again.

"Edward," I whispered, trying not to cry. I turned to him, and through my blurry vision, he was evidently scared. I put my hands to his face, wiping the silent tears that ran down his expression.

"You said goodbye," he said emotionlessly, his lips coiled as he spoke. I saw his green eyes turn accusing, and it felt like a knife in my heart.

"I didn't mean it. It just hurt so much..." I began to sob again, and then I felt him pulling me to his chest.

"Shh, it's alright. I'm just glad I got here before...you did anything rash," he said into my hair.

"You were the only thing that made me hesitate," I whispered. I was sure my tears were probably staining his shirt, once again, but he still didn't care.

"Please," he huffed in disagreement.

"I wanted to stop, but there was a whole different person he took over after _she _called."

"Who's _she_?" he inquired hesitantly. My stomach twisted, but the pain softened as Edward's fingers stroked through my hair.

"My mother," I said softly, scared to say anything else. Edward brought me even closer to him. How much closer could I get.

"I'm sorry, Bella. But you cannot scare me like that again. You may not understand this, but there is absolutely no way I can live without you," he said seriously.

"Okay," I agreed. "You may not understand this, but I care about you so much that I feel the same way." He leaned away from me, looking deep into my eyes.

I saw a flicker of something in his eyes, making my heart jump. I knew, I just somehow knew, he was dying to say something. But...I couldn't push him. But I also couldn't resist the fact that our feelings were equal.

"Stay tonight," I said quickly, breaking the silence. He snapped out of whatever trance he was in, shaking his head, and then nodded.

He cradled me in his arms silently, then lifting me into the air. I clung to his chest, my eyes never leaving him.

"Don't leave," I pleaded quietly, beginning to fade from consciousness. He just pressed his lips into my forehead, making my whole body tingle. He put me under the sheets, climbing in with me.

He held me close to him, and I couldn't believe that he was there. I buried my face in his chest, and he pulled me even closer with every silent sob. He cared about me. But could he love me?

I counted the moments where he had been so close, so at peace with me near. I'd nearly killed myself, him having to save me, and he still hangs around. He stays, he comforts, and he gives me hope.

I felt so at peace as I drifted to sleep with him there. And for once, the pain had left me, and I felt no anticipation for its return.

**Edward Cullen**

Carlisle and I had a long conversation after I had revealed to him...the things that changed. I never thought that I could get any compassion out of him, because I remembered everything I had done to him and mom. Esme had also talked to him, in what they assumed private, and explained to him what she had seen in me. That it was nothing but the truth.

This made me feel good.

I really, really, really didn't want to see a counselor, but Esme had said it was necessary to be able to deal with things. And that person would have to know, and that was truly what I didn't want.

Sharing, expressing, dealing--all things that I knew were necessary, but were just passageways to make my hurting evolve. Just the thoughts hurt, but I knew I couldn't heal myself the only way I knew how.

Perhaps this was another reason I was in dire need of a therapist.

I was looking out my window, the skies not clear, but just foggy. There was enough light to illuminate the town of Forks. Perfect weather for walking...to Bella's. I smiled at the thought. She may be asleep, but I just needed to see her, then I'd leave. And God forbid if I get caught and shot by Chief Swan, who was becoming more and more of a constant dilemma.

I ran down the stair, a smile still pasted across my face. Esme raised her eyebrows, looking at me accusingly, her attention leaving her desert.

"Can I go out?" I asked her, anxiously rocking on my heals. Like Alice did.

"May I ask where you are going?" This was new. Apparently now she was supposed to care...and I was fine with that.

"Bella," I said, maybe a hint of embarrassment in my tone. Yes, there was, because a blush accompanied her beaming smile.

"Okay, just be back soon," she told me sternly, returning to her cooking. She was always cooking, I noticed.

I nodded in agreement, and slipped out the back door. I had remembered a shortcut straight through the woods that made the normally six mile drive about a two mile walk. That was something I could handle, if I ran.

And so I ran, my muscles of course urging their exhaustion, but my brain forced them to keep moving in order to see Bella.

Carmel hair, chocolate eyes that you could just get lost in, and a heart with so much capacity to love and care. She was perfect to me in every way.

Then I saw her house, seeing the light on in her bedroom. I climbed up the tree by her window, the branches slippery, but I held on tight. I threw myself to the window seal, then hearing the most wretched sound.

Bella's sobs.

What was wrong? What could she possibly crying about, so horribly?

She was sitting on the edge of her bed, leaning over herself. I called her name, but she didn't respond.

I pushed the wet glass up, making a big enough crack so I could pry it open. I barely understood the sobs, but she was saying something.

_"Can't, won't..." _she cried in between sobs.

"Bella!" I called lowly, so Charlie wouldn't hear. Then I saw the object she had pressed against her wrist.

A small blade.

"Bella!" I called again, raising my voice. She had promised, she couldn't…she wouldn't! Didn't she understand how much I loved her, how my life would fall apart if she wasn't around? If she couldn't breathe, smile, life, look at me with suck skepticism…

"_Good...bye...Edward,"_ she whispered before letting out another sob. I dove at her, wrapping my arms around her. She was shocked, to say the least. I sighed in relief as the pressure of the blade on her wrist released.

"Let go of it Bella," I told her sternly. "Let go of the blade." She sobbed again, her hand letting go of the blade. She was trembling, so I held her tight to my chest in case she was cold.

"Edward." She turned to me, her brown eyes full of pain, so much pain it felt like she was truly ready to let go. But her pain increased once she saw my expression. Scared. I ran my fingers through her hair, trying to capture the feeling.

"You…said…goodbye," I managed to choke out. Her lips quivered, hesitantly choosing the words she spoke.

"I—didn't mean it…it just hurt so much…" she sobbed. I pulled her face to me, putting my lips to her ear.

"Shh, it's alright. I'm just glad I got here before...you did anything rash."  
Yeah, like killing yourself, I thought with a little anger.

"You were the only thing that made me hesitate."

"Please," I snarled in disbelief. I wasn't a reason to stick around, say the least.

"I wanted to stop, but there was a whole different person he took over after _she _called," she whispered, almost in a hiss.

"Who's she?"

"My mother," she said bleakly.

Her mother must have stirred up some emotions, made her remember too much. I knew the feeling, how one little reminder forced your whole world to fall apart. A moment of weakness—a lifetime of misery.

"I'm sorry, Bella. But you cannot scare me like that again. You may not understand this, but there is absolutely no way I can live without you," I told her sternly, with honesty and truth. She was the heart, the soul, and the reason for me living—as corny as it may sound. But I could never seem to get it through that little stubborn head of hers.

She agreed solemnly, and then added, "You may not understand this, but I care about you so much that I feel the same way." My heart must have stopped beating, because I felt so high I thought I was dead. Could the sweetest words be true, could she just be as anxious as I am to confide in each other our true feelings?

I pulled her away, so that I could search her eyes. They were full of wonder, and unconditional affection. This is what I've always wanted, but I couldn't seem to fit my mouth around the words that I had held so dearly in my heart.

"Stay tonight," she pleaded quietly. I quickly tried to real myself back into reality, then nodding in agreement. I pulled her into my arms, cradling her. She didn't seem to mind, my touch actually made her feel happier….

"Don't leave," she asked again, sounding groggy. I forced back a smile, putting her under the covers of her bed. Her lips formed around, 'stay', again, and I couldn't find the will to leave her after such a heartfelt plea.

I climbed into bed next to her, just holding her in my arms. It felt so natural, her arms wrapping affectionately around my waist—her faced buried unconsciously in my chest. This is where I wanted to bed. With her. Forever. I couldn't see my life any other way.

Just as I myself was about to drift to sleep, I caught another peak at Bella's beautiful face. She was smiling, her lips parting as if she were about to say something. O how amusing it would be to find she was a sleep talker….

"I love you…Edward," she said quiet but clearly. She was asleep, but she had said it.

She loved me! I couldn't form the fact in my mind, but it was true. I had heard it; I was awake enough to know that.

I leaned to her face, pressing my lips gently to her forehead, and then brushing my fingers across her cheek.

"I love you, Bella." And her smile grew, as if the words had also formed in her dream.

"Edward," she said again, the smile sticking on her face—seeming as it would never leave.

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**Didn't see that coming either!**


	17. Chapter 17 I Know

**Ahh! Enjoy!**

**If you love Stephenie Meyer as much as I do, Review!**

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* * *

Edward Cullen**

**I Know**

The sun peeked through the curtained windows, shedding a little light into the room. Bella's room…I'd fallen asleep.

I replayed the events from the following night…Bella's pain, my confession, and the three simple words she had murmured in her sleep. My heart swelling so big I thought it was about to explode right out of my chest.

I opened my eyes wider, to find that Bella's body was still snuggled tightly to my chest, her ankle twisted around mine. Her face was so peaceful, so beautiful—how could I ever bare to wake her up?

I brushed my fingers across her cheek, and she smiled a little. Without opening her eyes, she put her hand to my face and just covered my mouth.

"Sleep," she commanded groggily. My muffled was chuckled by her hand. Her palm slid away from my face, and she pried her eyelids open. Full of wonder and affection. I noticed that the illumination caused a faint glitter of red to flash in her hair, like a beautiful ruby streak. I tucked her hair behind her ears before kissing her softly on the cheek.

"We need to get up, love," I said softly, trying out my new nickname. Her smile grew, and she pulled me in for a hug.

"Thanks for staying," she said, her cheek nestled in my shoulder. "I couldn't imagine being alone last night." So was it me she wanted, or was it my company.

"I bet Charlie would have been content," I reminded her, searching for a sight of hope in her confusing mind.

"Ah, but Charlie's not you." She put her index finger on the tip of my nose, and then put it to my lips. She held it there, and the firing burn that tingled under my skin wanted to make me draw closer to her, to press my burning lips to hers. I couldn't even fathom the feeling.

"I guess I need to change," she moaned, crawling out of bed.

Then I remembered my promise to Esme. And I never came home.

"Oh, I'm screwed," I murmured, feeling like I had just been kicked in the gut.

"What?" Bella inquired.

"I was supposed to come home…Esme must be worried." I shoved my shoes on, and began to crawl out the window. "I'll be with Alice, when she picks you up." She nodded. I was already dashing down the driveway when I heard her call something to me.

"I'll be waiting!"

As would I Bella…as would I.

I reached the front porch, expecting an ambush. But no one came.

I looked down at myself, the crusted salt water stains on my shirt the only evidence that I was with Bella.

I opened the door; too see Esme standing at the foot of the stairs. Her face was angry, hurt, worried, and the painfully familiar mascara was smeared across her cheeks. She just looked at me as if I had committed a heinous crime.

"I thought you were done." Her voice was wretchedly scratchy—writhen with tears that had passed. I opened my mouth to speak, but she just squeezed her eyes shut.

"You manipulated us all. You used that poor girl as an excuse to go partying. You lied, you encouraged Alice…" she was beginning to cry. I shook my head violently in disagreement.

"You're wrong," I nearly growled, approaching her. "This family means more to me than that. And Bella…is my world, my foundation. Heaven forbid I do _anything_ to cause her pain."

"Then where were you?" she asked accusingly.

"With Bella," I answered simply. She didn't believe me, according to the anger burning in her eyes.

"Why all night?"

"Because Bella asked me to. She was in a lot of pain, she's not the only one with a dark past," I explained. Her expression lightened, so I urged with as much truth as I could. "When I came, she wasn't doing well. I held her, I comforted her, and I did as she asked by not leaving her alone."

I couldn't read her expression, but she stepped forward. She embraced me in the familiar faint hug that also doubled as checking for any smell of beer. Then the embrace turned into a true hug, the kind that a gracious mother, like she was, gives a forgiven son.

"Okay," she sighed, not saying much else. "Get ready for school."

I nodded in acceptance. I cleaned myself up, and then changed. I hopped in the car with Alice and Rose, heading off to Bella's. For the next three days, I wouldn't leave her side.

**Bella Swan**

I stared up into the sun, letting it rain down on my face. The showering rays splashed across the trees—and the puddles from last night's rain glimmered with light. It was a beautiful day, the kind of beautiful that was rare in Forks. And I just had a feeling it was going to be a good one.

I mean, when you wake up and the guy you're madly in love with is cradling you in his arms, it's got to be a good day. And he was going to arrive at any second. I tried to revive the feeling of his lips, even though they never touched mine. But what would it be like, to be so intimate? I had been doing so well with accepting his touch, but what if one day it became just too much? Would he toss me away, would he forget me?

No, how could I even think about Edward that way?

My heart had already begun to palpitate rapidly as Alice's Porsche pulled into the driveway. Alice smiling and waving—Rosalie's eyebrows raised, inconspicuously pointing to the backseat. What was that supposed to mean?

I climbed into the car, and before I even had a chance to do my daily stumble, a familiar pair of arms had already pulled me in.

"Edward, stop it!" I laughed, but I honestly didn't want him to. I sat on his lap, my legs scrunched up in the small backseat. I buried my face in his neck, trying to hide the blush that rushed into my cheeks.

"Sorry, love," my heart jumped at the nickname he'd given me this morning. "I just missed you so much!" He kissed me on the top of my head, and my whole body went numb with overflowing emotions. All great ones.

"I missed you too. So much," I told him. I stared into his eyes, watching them as they glittered with such passion. I wasn't used to being looked at like this. I felt Edward's hands cup around my face, and the mood changed. I felt such…longing…like everything I could ever want was in lip's reach. If I just leaned in a few more inches…

"OKAY…you two love birds can continue this later!" Alice announced, climbing out of the car.

"Are we at school, already?" I asked, breaking my eyes from Edward's. Yes, we were—and there were plenty of people who could see me sitting in Edward's lap if they looked in our direction. "Oh!" I climbed out of his lap, prolonging a peck on his cheek before I too climbed out of the car.

I slung my backpack on my shoulder, feeling it bump into someone. I quickly turned around to apologize, and the person happened to be my boyfriend. And he was clenching his teeth as he clenched his arm.

"Oh Edward! I'm sorry—I—I'm such a klutz," I muttered in a stutter. His face immediately smoothed into my favorite crooked—but devious—smile. Oh, that jerk….

I punched him in the arm, and he whimpered. I beamed a smile at him, before wrapping an arm around his waist. He did the same.

"You have quite an arm," he told me, his lips brushing against my ear.

"It helps when you have a mean boyfriend," I retorted, bumping my hip against him. He chuckled, kissing me on the top of my head. "I bet you're a good kisser," I muttered under my breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," I told him quickly, smiling to myself. Soon enough he'd kiss me—no interruptions and no barriers. No setbacks…because I was getting better. And so was he.

The first two periods passed without event—except Tanya's fierce glares as Edward walked down the hall with his arm around my waist. I tried to get the fact that Tanya had been close to Edward in a way I hadn't out of my head. I pushed away the thoughts, which were completely false, about how she must be better. Because I knew I was better for Edward in so many ways. And not only that, he was better for me. She had no perspective—no insight—on how to get better. Maybe she would meet someone that had the same affect that I had on Edward. Maybe that was too the key to get through to her.

At lunch, Alice and Rosalie were an intense discussion over the where's, when's, and whose of the party they were throwing over spring break. Of course, I didn't want to be involved at all—but Alice said I had no choice.

"If you don't come, I'll drag you," she threatened. Her eyebrows furrowed as if she were trying to sway me with some form of telepathy.

"I'll chain myself to the house," I retorted. She sniffed, her glare increasing.

"Oh, you think because of my size I can't _drag the house_?" I stifled a laugh, hiding my smile in Edward's shoulder. "C'mon, Eddie! Convince her to come please!"

"What can _I _do to convince her to come that you can't?" Edward asked Alice. I peeked to see Alice glowering at him.

"_You_ know what you can do, bro," Emmett laughed, followed by a whine when Rosalie jabbed him in the ribs. "I was just saying, kiss here, kiss there…you know. Hm, apparently you don't know, allow me to explain…"

"OKAY!" Alice declared. Jasper laughed halfheartedly, and Edward chuckled when he saw my face.

"I love your blush," he said, caressing my cheek. My blood just rushed closer to his touch—like his fingertips were magnets themselves.

"Well, uh," I stuttered, dazed by his touch. "I'll come to the…er…party on one condition," I murmured.

"Well?" Alice prompted, beaming a huge smile.

"Well, Edward can't leave my side of course."

"Of course," Edward promised in my ear. I shivered as his breath washed down my neck.

"And I want you to…wear your leather jacket." I cringed at his reaction, not really knowing what to expect. But it wasn't Edward's reaction I should have been worried about.

"Oh! Bella likes BAD BOYS!" Emmett laughed, burying his face in his hands.

"Shut up, Emmett," I hissed. I looked up to Edward's stunned, but amused face. "I just remember thinking that the jacket you wore when we met…it was really fitting for you. But not appropriate for everyday attire," I reminded him. He smiled, and then nodded in agreement.

"Oh my God! This gives me a wonderful idea!" Alice exclaimed. She was jumping up and down, the only thing keeping her from jumping up to hit her head on the ceiling was Jasper's arm around her waist. "Themes! The theme could be, _The Bad._ Street type stuff you know," she explained, a smile growing on her lips.

"And Edward could be the costume coordinator," Rosalie giggled. Edward through a glare at her, burying his face in my hair.

"Never. You will never find me dressing anyone besides myself," he announced.

"I wonder what you're opinion would be about _un_dressing others," Emmett mused, quickly glancing at me, then laughing. Edward scowled, taking my hand and leading me out of the lunch room.

"Hey!" Emmett called. "Where are you going?"

"Some place where Bella is safe from your abuse," he replied in a choked voice. I laughed, but it too was choked from my embarrassment. But it was how Emmett had been ever since Edward and I started dating.

We just walked down the empty hall, hand in hand, wordlessly. Edward seemed like he was debating something in his mind. I decided to leave him to his mental conversation.

When he stopped walking in front of a familiar bench. I smiled when we sat down, watching Edward's eyes change drastically in mood when they met mine. They glimmered like two perfectly spherical emeralds.

He was tracing circles on my hand, and with his palm lingering on my knee. The silence was killing me, and so was the space between us. It was so hard to love him—but not to share it. Maybe here…alone…would be the best time.

"We have a while before class," he murmured, his eyes darting nervously away from me nervously. I saw a little red in his cheeks. "And I want to talk about us." Us….

"Okay," I prompted, assuring him with a gentle squeeze on his hand. Relief overflowed me when he looked into my eyes again.

"When I first saw you, it was strange. Nothing I had ever felt before. I thought who is this new girl to invade my every thought, my every action? You were like the conscious I never had from day one." He sighed, as if he was afraid. My heart thumped against my chest—as if it knew what he was going to say before he said it.

"Its okay, Edward," I told him, he nodded.

"So the days went on, and you had such a strange affect on me. Like nothing ever before, as I said. I was changing, for some reason; you revived a part of me I thought had died. And there was only one explanation." My heart was racing with anticipation, fluttering beyond comprehending.

"And when I was so dumb-struck to discover what you did to yourself, and so heart broken when it got you in the hospital. I stood there watching as my father tried to bring your dead heart back to life. But it was mine he was reviving too." He pulled my hand to his chest, right over his heart. "I was already aware it was yours. But I had no idea how empty I felt at the thought of you taking it with you…"

"Edward," I sighed, tears rolling down my cheeks. He wiped them away with a gentle and swift movement of his index finger, then cupping my jaw.

"Isabella," he pronounced my full name carefully. My whole body felt like it was on fire, ready to burst into flames any second. "You…are my world. You are the very best thing that my life has ever been granted to have. And without you…I know I'd never feel alive or complete." He leaned closer to me, his hands cupping my face. "_I love you_ more than anything, Bella. Please, give me a chance to make you happy." My heart stopped beating, literally. I felt like I was floating—giving in to the feelings that had been overriding my own logic for so long.

"Edward, I love you too," I told him. He smiled.

"I know."

"What?" I demanded in a hysterical laugh.

"You talk in your sleep," he said, pulling his lips over his teeth. "'Mmm, I love you…Edward,'" he mocked teasingly. "But I like hearing it from you when you're conscious too." Before I could argue, I had already died, came back to life, and died again. That was the only explanation.

Edward's lips were suddenly slowly, but urgently crushed against mine. This was something we had waited for so long, something I never thought to be possibly so heavenly.

The kiss, in itself, was the best physical thing I had ever felt. Every touch, every peck was nothing compared to the way we breathed into each other. My fingers tangled in his hair, and I could feel his hands resting gently on my hips. I pulled away for a breath, but instead I fell off the bench from dizziness.

"Are you okay Bella," Edward said as he began to pick me up, panting. He had a big goofy smile stretched across his face, a lot like I assumed mine was.

"Uh, yeah…just dizzy?" I muttered, the blush rushing to my face.

"Why?" he chuckled.

"You kind of…I guess, _dazzled_ me." He took my face in his hands, staring into my eyes.

"Like this?" he said, breathing in a pant—his shallow breaths wisping across my face. I was frozen

Words. Where were the words?!

"Uh-huh." His lips pressed against mine, but only staying there for a few moments before backing away.

"I'm going to skip _most_ of the clichés, but with all truth Bella, I love you more than I have ever loved anything. Nothing can compare to the way I feel about you." He smiled crookedly, and my heart began to race, again.

"No clichés, but I do love you, so much," I said softly. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me in his embrace for an incomprehensible time. Only did time stop when the bell rang.

"Damn it," I cursed, letting go of him. He had a pout, but immediately took my arm and led me to class, whispering those three words in my ear all the way.


	18. Chapter 18 Gestures

**Tsk Tsk Tsk, another day in the Meadow!**

**Enjoy!  
**

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* * *

Bella Swan**

** Gesture**

Edward snaked his arm around my waist as soon as he saw me leaving my last class in the hall. My heart was racing…pretty much ready to pound out of my chest—just seeing his ecstatic smile grow across his face. Like I was _his_ prize. I'd always thought it was the other way around.

"I missed you, love," he whispered, his lip lingering on my ear. I shivered wildly, and he held me closer to his side. "I love you."

"As I love you," I said smiling. He sighed deeply while giving me that same tender affectionate stare, opening the car door for me to climb in.

"New rules!" Alice announced as she climbed in. She spun around in her seat so that she was facing Edward and me. She gave us both suspicious looks, eying Edward's arm that seemed to be welded to my waist.

"What?" Edward asked impatiently. I was just as impatient as he was, looking forward to a weekend with him.

"First off, the only couple that gets to make out in this car is _my _couple." She exhaled, a smile growing, but then her face returned to its seriousness. "Second, I hope that…these new developments won't sway you not to hold up your end of our little bargain."

"Of course not, Alice," Edward said curtly, smiling down at me.

Cue heart fluttering.

"What _bargain?" _I accused, my eyes flashing between the two Cullen siblings.

"You'll see soon enough, Bells," Alice assured me, turning around. She put her little Porsche in gear and raced off at manic speeds down the road—destination the Cullen residence.

I climbed out of the car, staring up at the Cullen house and its largeness. The inconspicuous wealth of their family never ceased to amaze me. They kept to their selves most of the time—except for me of course.

Edward grabbed my bags, even though I insisted on carrying them myself. A normal girl I guess would love the chivalry. But…as I'd come to learn I wasn't a normal girl.

_Apparently _Edward was in love with me.  
"Please tell me," I pleaded Edward, looking up at him with my most sad face. He winced.

"_Why_ must you do this to me?" he groaned, looking away from me for a second, then his eyes returning to me. "You will find out. Soon."

As soon as I stepped in the front door, that stupid pixie had already had me by the arm and pulling me up the stairs. I didn't need to hear her hyper-active shrieks to guess what was happening. Makeover.

After I knew it was already too late, I did not object. Alice always got her way…and I didn't want to admit the fact that I might feel the slightest bit of appreciation of a makeover. I figured that if Edward would like it…

"All done!" Alice ran the lip gloss forcefully across my lips one last time, and then she clicked her tongue with disapproval. She pulled me by the arm and set me down on her bed. "I'll be right back." She skipped off to her walk in closet, humming a random tune.

The door to her room slowly swung open, revealing my guardian. He held his finger over his lips, waving me to come with him. I gladly went with him, bending up to kiss him on those hushing and beautiful lips. Edward pulled me closer, the kiss growing more fervent. The avid kiss reluctantly ended as he pried my face from his.

"We have to go somewhere Alice can't get you," he panted, still fatigued from the kiss. I nodded in agreement, because just being with him inebriated me from being rational and coherent. He smiled at my absentmindedness, and pulled me down the hall.

He stopped in front of a door I had never seen behind, placing his hand on the knob as he looked down at me.

"This is my room," he explained, twisting the door.

The room was _so _Edward.

The shaggy gold carpet pressed against my shoes, the scattered books and CDs all around. I gaped at the huge flowing white bed in the center. You could fit ten people in that bed!

"Over the top much? " I giggled, closing the door behind me. Edward flopped down on the end staring up to the ceiling…then flashing his vivid eyes to me. I smiled, and sat down next to him.

"I can't thank you enough for saving me," I told him, brushing my finger tips across his cheek. His smile grew, making the seemingly permanent lump in my throat double in size.

"Alice wasn't going to hog all my time with you," he said smoothly. "This is technically _our _weekend. She did do a wonderful job, not that you needed it." He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and then put his finger on my nose.

"Er, Charlie would absolutely murder me if he heard that," I said, pain wrenching in my voice.

"The ultimate dilemma."

"I'll make him love you," I assured him, pecking him on the lips. "Not like I love you though." Edward pulled my faced to his, increasing the vibrant humming of electricity between us. He let out a little moan, which made my whole body go numb. He _liked_ kissing me! I hummed a little, making his lips stop moving.

"I love you my Bella, my world," he said, his lips still brushing against mine.

"I love you as well, with all my heart."

He had then taken me by the hand pulling me somewhere—but feeling like I was floating and all, I wasn't really aware of much….

"What is this?" Edward sat down on the piano bench, silently swiping his fingers across the ivory keys. I picked up the lone paper which sat above it, and it had my name written across the top. "You didn't, didn't you?"

He chuckled wistfully, pulling me to sit next to him. He kissed me on the cheek, moving the hand that cupped my jaw moved to the keys, and he began to play.

My mouth popped open from the glorious and flawless music that played. The intricate melodies, so complicated but all entwined convinced me that it wasn't possible for one human being to be playing this.

But it was my marvelous Edward who never ceased to amaze me.

When the song came to an end, I threw my arms around Edward, burying my face in his neck.

"That was so beautiful," I whispered into his skin. His hands stroked my back, moving to my face. He pulled me away from him, looking deep into my eyes.

"For you I'd do anything."

"But—I find it hard to believe I could have inspired something…like that," I murmured, blushing. Edward's eyes hardened, almost scolding.

"You don't see yourself clearly," he said, his voice bleak. I pursed my lips and pressed them against his arm.

"Whatever you say."

"That's right, because I want you to see yourself through _my _eyes." His lips curled into a smirk, and he playfully widened his eyes. I smiled back, and took his hands in mine.

"I love you," I said, my voice evident to its bliss.

"Hmm, and I love you twice as much."

"Nuh-uh.

"You can just go on believing that, love." He pecked me on my forehead, and pulled me to my feet.

"_Now _what are you doing?" I groaned. He laughed, pulling me to his deck. The most beautiful view of the forest—the never ending green making my stomach hallow.

"I have a picnic set up in the back." He led me down the stairs, his hand gripping mine all the way. Everything else just seemed like the past…everything forgotten.

Our darks pasts, unimportant.

Our sinister habits—all so damaging—trivial compared to the infinite amount of love we shared.

I just saw the endlessness of the potential life—all things that I once considered significant, now were nothing compared to the immeasurable amount of happiness that I had found. And Edward may not be completely responsible for bringing the part of me full of life back…but I can't imagine him doing anything but waking me up from my endless night.

As we walked through the woods seemingly blind, we entered a beautiful perfectly round meadow. It was an endless garden, though seeming perfectly symmetrical it seemed as if it had never been groomed by anything but nature. And as the center piece, the classic checkered picnic blanket with a wicker basket to top off the cliché.

But it was beautiful.

"Oh," I sighed, leaning my head on Edward's shoulder. "This is perfect." He kissed the side of my head, and then leading me to sit down next to him.

I crossed my legs, trying to forward my physical hunger for food somewhere else—but was immediately swayed when I smelt the scent of freshly baked apple pie.

"Desert first," Edward said deviously, holding up a small piece of pie. He raised his eyebrows, and then I realized that he wanted to hand feed _me!_

"Hmm, thanks but no thanks," I giggled, almost kicking myself for denying the tasty, superb…

"Please?" his eyes fluttered pleadingly, and so did the butterflies in my stomach. I sighed, and opened my mouth wide. He chuckled, shoving the slice into my mouth. I licked the cream off his hand, laughing.

"My turn." I cut a piece of pie, and he too was reluctant. "Please." He rolled his eyes, and his perfect lips parted.

"Delicious, love," he said, still chewing.

"What are you talking about? I didn't make it!"

"Not the pie. You." I blushed, and leaned over to kiss him. It was intentionally supposed to be quick, but as always I got a little carried away.

Edward brought me closer to him, wrapping his arms around me. My arms snaked around his neck, gripping the roots of his hair. I was on his lap, and unknowingly the intensity of the movement of our lips increased—and I broke away for air. But not for long.

Every time our lips broke, he'd whisper the most mesmerizing compliments, like 'you're beautiful' and 'I love you'.

His hands moved up to cup my face, and then they drew down my neck—leaving a trail of goose bumps. They drifted down my arms, and rested casually but intimately on my hips. My stomach was twisting with excitement.

But my chest froze uncomfortably, ceasing my lips and my breathing as his hands played with the hem of my shirt.

It wasn't _Edward _that turned my stomach uncomfortably, that made my chest ache with the most indiscrete and obvious pain. It was the memories the unaccompanied the gesture.

His lips quickly pulled away from me, and I tumbled from his lap, which I was grateful for. He knew something was wrong, and that I didn't want any contact. I still needed to breath.

Breathe, Bella, breathe!

I took in a ragged breath, and then immediately started sobbing. Through my veil of tears, Edward's hands were held out in an apology, but I shook my head.

I thought I was passed this? Why can't I have a make out session with my boyfriend, the love of my life, without thinking of _him?_ Could I never find peace in the paradise that the man I love has given me? Could I not find a way to forget?

I could never forget.

I would always be tortured by my memories.

"Bella, I'm sorry," Edward said quietly, still holding out his hands helplessly.

"Just—hold—me," I pleaded, realizing that he was pained by the assumption that _he _had caused _me_ pain! Did he not realize that so many times he has been the one who kept me from the brink of insanity? From death? He was my salvation, the only one who kept me sane and the only one who's brought me joy in this unpredictable world.

His arms immediately held me, comforting me with his hushing—like comforting a crying baby. He kept apologizing, going on and on about how he had no right and that it was wrong.

"Edward! Stop!" He stopped talking. "It wasn't you…it was the memories. In a place in my mind…I just remembered that simple gesture…and the outcome wasn't—nice." He stared at me sorrowfully. "Honestly, I wanted that." He smiled a little. "I want you like that, too."

He pulled me in for a gentle kiss, and I found the will and the motivation to kiss him back.

"I'm still sorry."

"Please," I placed my hand on his cheek. "Don't be." He pulled me up into his lap again, and we just sat there—not moving away from each other until the sun had set on his meadow.

"Our meadow," he corrected, like he had been reading my mind.

Our little paradise…a place of healing—realization—and of course memories.


	19. Chapter 19 Fess Up

**OOC Charlie, but enjoy his anger :)**

******

* * *

Edward Cullen**

** Fess Up**

The rest of the weekend continued without event, I still felt myself being drenched with shame every time the picture in the meadow played in my head. I had gotten ahead of myself—letting my hormones take over way too much. I couldn't believe that I had caused such a pained look on my love's sweet face. I couldn't imagine how my foolishness could have revived those awful memories—because I knew the feeling.

At first, if anyone said anything similar, touched me in a familiar way—I would totally freak. Because…I too knew how much it hurt for pain to be revived…but I didn't understand why I was progressing like I was, when Bella was still having trouble with dealing with her memories.

It wasn't that she wasn't better, I just found it hard to believe a heroine, alcohol and cigarette addict was healing faster than a former cutter!

Perhaps for her, time was the key. But for me I just let it all out.

_"It's alright Edward, just let it all out," Dr. Rosaline said quietly. I buried my face in my hands, not even sure of the words I was speaking so loudly. "Go ahead."_

_ "Why me!" I shrieked. "Why did he choose me, why did he have to take everything from me?"_

_ "I know, I know, but it's over, he's gone."_

_ "But it still haunts me…all—the—time!"_

_ "Less often than before, Edward," she reminded me. Yes, Bella had been taking my mind off something in my foolish pursuit of her. It was overall useless, but I found her more addicting than anything else._

_ "But why me?" I said, now quieter. Dr. Rosaline put her hand on my shoulder and I didn't flinch away._

_ "Some horrendous things happen…and you don't know why. But you have to accept that it did happen, and you have to allow yourself to heal."_

_ "What have I been doing, then? Not healing? Why do think I signed up to be your charity case?"_

_ "You're not a charity case Edward. You came to me because you _wanted_ to heal. But you haven't opened yourself up enough to allow it. You need to remember, but you can't mull over it because it ruined your life indefinitely. I can see the road you're heading down, with this girl, and it's a good one. Don't let yourself get absorbed in the memories while you could be living. Perhaps you too will catch her eye." _

My first session of therapy—in which had sent me down the road to heal…to finally accept myself and grant myself the will to make Bella love me. And I succeeded. Perhaps she needed to see someone—to let go. Maybe now would be the time, it was the least she could do for herself.

**Bella Swan**

I was sitting in the passenger's seat of Edward's car, my heart racing. With fear.

I buried my face in the crook of his neck, trying to steady my breathing. I was scared out of my mind, knowing that the moment we pulled into my driveway, there would be no turning back or running away.

Charlie would know Edward brought me home…which leads to an explanation. Being the _wonderful_ liar I am, I have ran through the situation in my mind. And both logically and morally, telling Charlie the truth (getting it over with, I should say) is the _precise _thing to do. And a precise way to get Edward and I killed. I doubted he would kill me…just Edward. And I couldn't have that, could I?

"It's alright, love," he whispered, but his voice still cracking with uncertainty. "I—I'll be with you all the way."

"Charlie is going to kill you."

"Ah…?"

"Charlie is going to kill _us!"_ I slammed my foot on the dashboard, then cringing at the pain that followed it. "Crap that hurt," I hissed. Edward chuckled emotionlessly, trying to find humor.

"I predict that this will be a _near_ death experience. I also predict you will defiantly survive." He pecked me on the forehead, stalling the car at the entrance of my driveway.

"I will survive, I will survive," I sang nervously, the car crawling up the drive. Before we were in sight of the house, I pulled Edward in for a short but avid kiss—sending my heart racing for different reasons.

"Okay, love," he announced, pulling up further. I saw Charlie draw back the curtain of the house. His face was filled with confusion, anger. I held up my hand, attempting a wave, and smiled sheepishly. He raised his hand to mirror mine, and then raced to the door.

"Get out!" I told Edward. He too raced out the driver's door, and I immediately found him at my side. He was _fast_!

He didn't touch me, though I could feel the tension burning from the lack of. I tried to imagine the ghost of his arm twisted around my waist—resting gently on the curve of my hip…

Then the front door opened. Charlie stood in the doorframe, his eyes flashing from Edward to me, and back. He waved us in, the obvious anger streaking and radiating from him. I looked to Edward, urging a sorrowful look. He nodded.

We both stood in the foyer, Charlie still _fully_ uniformed. Edward unconsciously took a step forward, putting him closer to Charlie than I was. Charlie pursed his lips, glaring infuriatingly at Edward.

"Dad," I began. "We…need to talk."

"Did this asshole get you pregnant!?" he said loudly, on the borderline of yelling. Same old Charlie, jumping to conclusions.

"No!" Edward and I both exclaimed in unison. I wasn't even capable of making the step that causes that! "You need to settle down, Dad. Please."

He glared at us hardly, but also that sense of relief on his face. He nodded reluctantly, walking into the living room.

Charlie sat down on the couch, and Edward being the genius that he is sat in the arm chair on the opposite side of the coffee table. Smart.

"Edward Cullen, what in the hell are you doing with my daughter?" Charlie growled, being very blunt.

"Well sir, I— "

"Oh, now it's sir? Since when does Edward Cullen use formalities?" Edward's lips quivered for an answer, but both he and I were shocked by Charlie's raging outburst. He sighed

"I just want to start over." Edward's eyes flashed to me, and I forced a smile.

"And you think you can get on my good side by dating my daughter." Charlie's hand actually twitched, as if it were reaching for his gun!

"No, quite the opposite really," Edward said smoothly, but using his most intimating but charming expression. He smile lightly, and Charlie groaned.

"Char—Dad, I'm sorry I kept this from you…but he and I…we can relate. He understands _everything_, and I can understand him beyond anyone else's comprehension."

"How long exactly have you been keeping this marvelous connection from me?" Charlie spat sarcastically.

"Few days," I muttered quietly, biting on my lip.

"Hmm, not as long as I thought. But since we are now all apparently being honest," he through a glare at Edward, "what drugs are you taking, Edward?" Edward's eyes squinted, his lips twisting.

"I'm clean, chief."

"Ha! Really. Heroin, cocaine, what?"

Edward sighed, exasperated. "I have not drank or smoked in weeks. I am one hundred percent _clean," _he pressed quietly. Charlie's stare grew in intensity, then calm eyes moving to me.

"Why him?" he asked, as if he were feeling hopeless. I smiled a little, looking to Edward.

"Because I love him," I muttered, but Edward's crooked smile warmed my heart—and I wanted to kiss him, right then and there. But Charlie would be completely mortified if he were to witness such an act of love…

"Humph. Just sounds like a teenage infatuation to me," he groaned.

"I think after all I've been through, I'm far from a teenager." Charlie stabbed a finger at Edward.

"What about him?" He raised his eyebrows, flashing his eyes towards Edward.

"There was a reason I was the way I was," Edward murmured. "The difference now is that reason has no cause for my life to be dysfunctional—that reason has caused me to grow." I smiled at Edward, and his eyes filled with happiness, though his lips remained emotionless.

"What are your intentions, Edward," Charlie sighed. The battle had been one, that I knew by the obvious defeat in Charlie's expression. Edward smiled.

"Simple. Make Bella happy for as long as my life allows." I thought my heart would swell so large that my body could not contain it—but I held myself on the couch, resisting the dire need to sit in Edward's lap. To let him cradle me, hold me, hum my little song—my lullaby—as I would drift into a dreamless sleep.

"Fine," Charlie huffed, rolling his eyes. "Just don't do anything you'd get yourself shot over." I held back a laugh, even though he was serious about the threat.

"I'd never dream of hurting Bella," Edward said urgently.

"Er, let me rephrase that. _Don't do anything that you wouldn't want Bella's father knowing about."_ Edward gulped, and I knew we were both mulling over the incident in the meadow. I wasn't ready for that part of our relationship. I had no idea when I would be.

"Okay, Dad," I said quickly standing up. I waved Edward to follow. "We're going to get outta' here…take care." Charlie groaned, and as Edward closed the front door behind him, I heard the familiar sounds of raving crowds.

Basketball.

I turned to Edward, who had unknowingly approached all but two inches away from me. The tension that had built up from the lack of his touch unleashed when I found my arms wrapped in a death lock around Edward's neck. Edward pressed his lips against mine, my heart beginning to float again. There was an urgency mirroring mine as his lips overthrew the force of my own.

He missed my touch too.

I broke free for a moment, watching as the emotions flooded in Edward's eyes. Affection was the main…then there was excitement, perhaps even lust?

"I love you, Bella," he said randomly. "Have I ever told you that?" His smile widened, making my heart do back flips.

"N—o—" I sputtered. "Tell me again."

He moved closer to me, having nowhere else to go than up against the wall. Edward's lips grazed my jaw, a slight chuckle evident in his breathing. His lips stopped at the hallow place bellow my ear.

"I love you," he whispered against my skin, his warm breath flowing down my neck. I felt dizzy as he pecked kisses across my color bone, then moving up to my jaw, then pausing just as his lips were about to graze mine.

"I love you too," I whispered, and then I crushed my lips to his.

"I'm glad," he chuckled. "I was thinking I'd have to convince you." My shoulder pressed up against the wall—Edward's hand cupping my chin. He placed one lone kiss on the tip of my nose, then pulling me by my hand, in the direction of his shiny Volvo. "Now that I have the chief's permission…" he flashed a smile "I'm taking you out to dinner officially. As my girlfriend."

I stumbled as I reached the car, catching myself on the doorframe. He smirked and shook his head.

"So does that mean I get you show you off?" I giggled, automatically taking his hand as we drove.

"Show _me_ off? Ha! If you haven't forgotten, I'm still considered your local menace. But you my love are an angel," he assured me. My cheeks turned bright pink, as I searched my brain for a retort.

"But—I mean—you're gorgeous!"

Okay, so it wasn't intelligible, but it was true.

He smiled crookedly as he whispered seductively, "So are you."

"Sure, sure," I dismissed kissing his muscular arm. "Now, where are you taking me again?"

He sighed. "The closest place we can have a decent dinner."

"Ugh," I winced. "The Lodge?"

"No, I said _decent. _That little hole in the wall isn't even _tolerable_. I'm taking you to Port Angeles."

"That's wonderful, I need to get out of this town anyways," I muttered, heaving a sigh.

I never chose to come to Forks. I was _sent _here because my mother would rather hand me and my problems off to a father who hadn't ever really been a part of my life. But I was glad that I had come, because so much had changed in me and around me. Not to mention all the great people I'd met. But Forks wasn't growing on me, unless this little town was considered a weed. It was just the fact that it made _me _grow. That's what made me tolerate this town.

"Well, by this time next year, we will get out of here," Edward said, staring out into the road.

"Oh, yeah, college," I groaned.

"Done anymore thinking?" he asked, in that familiar accusing voice.

"Maybe. I was thinking…" Okay Bella, off the top of your head… "I could be an author."

Of all the things!?

"I think that's a wonderful idea!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. I felt a little guilty that the idea did sound well thought out. But I might as well feel thoroughly guilty.

"And if you're going to Julliard, I could…go to Columbia!"

"Genius," he said curtly, pecking the top of my head.

I mulled over the thought in my head. I wasn't the worst author; I'd always had a good grade in English. If I couldn't succeed as a writer or journalist, I could always go into teaching. Help kids succeed in life. That didn't sound half bad.

But if I were to write a book…

How could I have never had this revelation that I wanted to be a writer? Maybe I'd been so caught up in trying to keep myself sane that I had totally forgot about my dreams. My wants. My needs.

And not only that, but I would be within driving distance of Edward. And he was all the inspiration I needed.

"I want that. I really do, Edward. I want to be a writer."

"I'm so glad…this is truly perfect." He sighed happily. "You and I leaving this little town. Together…."

"We will never ever separate," I reminded him, taking his hand. He squeezed it with assurance, glancing to me with that tender and affectionate expression.

"I'll always be with you Bella. With you or with your heart, I will never leave you," he said tenderly. I leaned up to kiss him on the cheek, my lips then lingering—moving down his neck.

"I love you," he sighed.

"I love you too," I giggled against his skin. I swore the car swerved just a little, so I sat back within the restraints of the passenger's seat, in the slight chance that I was intoxicating Edward with my kisses. I smiled smugly at the growing-more-likely chance of that being true. Because no one had ever loved me as much as he did. Not even myself.


	20. Chapter 20 Random

**This chapter is a little bit random...**

**Enjoy!  
**

**

* * *

Edward Cullen**

** Random**

"Hi, thanks for coming to Le Bellaire," the waitress introduced herself as she placed the menus at Bella and my place setting. I gave her a small smile, and then my eyes returned loyally to Bella's flawless face. "I'm Gianna and I will be your server tonight. What will you two be drinking tonight?" I could tell by the waitresses tone that her attention was not only paid fully to me, but she was trying to encourage me to look at her again. Too bad for her, because my eyes were content where they were.

Bella looked to me, and blushed when she recognized the intensity in which my eyes bore on her. "Coke," she said quiet and curtly. She prompted me to order with her melting caramel eyes.

"Two Cokes," I clarified. "Please." The waitress said something, and then left.

Bella stared into my eyes, the depth increasing in her unfathomable brown irises. Her lips curled into a slight grimace before she choked something out.

"The waitress is pretty," she muttered, staring at the table quickly.

"Hmm, I didn't exactly notice," I admitted. "I believe there is someone quite marvelous sitting across from me, though." I flashed a smile, and her grimace melted into a flattered smile.

"I should have assumed, I guess."

"Yes, you probably should have."

** Bella Swan**

His hand reached across the table—lying open, gripping the air as if it was missing something. My heart fluttered suddenly, and maybe a bit too excitedly I reached for his hand. He exhaled as my skin touched his, and I felt the wonderful tingling that I could only assume he felt too. His thumb traced my palm—the circular movements making my muscles throb.

"Don't let anyone tell you that you are anything but what I see you to be," he urged, some seriousness in his voice. I couldn't help but smile.

"Edward, wouldn't you consider yourself biased?" He smirked, and then shook his head.

"I had no inclination to be biased the first time I saw you in the lunchroom."

"Yes, indeed you did not. I swore you were laughing at me though.…"

"Oh, I _was," _he chuckled. I scowled at him, forcing him to clarify. "Who could not laugh at your lack of coordination? Does it help to say I loved you from the very moment I saw you in spite of that clumsiness?" His eyes fluttered—his naturally thick lashes swiftly puckering through the air.

"I suppose," I exhaled.

When the waitress returned—I had to kick Edward under the table to make his eyes release themselves from me and actually resume his normal responsibilities—like paying the bill. I smiled at the thought of his being so entwined with mine—so inclined to never redirect his emotions elsewhere.

The next day—Edward fulfilled his promise of beginning a routine of being the one to transport me to and from school.

Charlie was leaning across the sofa—drawing the translucent curtain back—eying the silver Volvo that idled in the driveway. He huffed in protest turning to me.

"Why Bella?" he demanded feebly. I pouted, slipping my backpack on my shoulders. "There are plenty of other boys in this damn town that do not a history as nearly unclean as his—why do you chose the one who has the worst?"

"Cha—Dad," I sighed. "Those _plenty_ of boys, are not as _plenty_ as you assume. At least Edward is one of the _few_ that have actually made an effort to improve himself. And his efforts have not been in vain, Dad."

He turned to scowl at me, "you talk about him like he's the best thing since sliced bread." I rolled my eyes, putting my hand on the door knob. He sauntered over to stand right in front of me—leaning on the door so it wouldn't open. I could see the angry but worried expression in his eyes. "Do…you love him?" My lips disappeared in themselves—and I let out a slight nod—attempting to open the door. Helplessly.

"I love him so much," I blurted. His eyebrows rose—requesting more than that. "He listens; he cares about what has happened to me. He _relates _to me, Dad. Did you know that he was abused? Well, guess what? He was—and only me, his therapist, and now you know. So don't assume that it's his fault he was the way he used to be. He changed—and he loves what it has done for him!"

Charlie's jaw stay locked—but his eyes widened in surprise. He leaned off the door—which provided a quick escape.

I tried to keep myself steady as I dashed down the driveway. I quickly jumped into the passenger's seat of the Volvo—being greeted by an urgent and passionate kiss by Edward.

"Good morning," he murmured into my lips. He pried reluctantly from me—begging the drive to school.

"I had a thorough interrogation by the chief this morning." He winced, sucking the air through his teeth.

"That's not good," he muttered. "What did you say to him?"

"I just told him the truth," I murmured, feeling ashamed that Edward confided in me his secret and I used it against Charlie's persistent bullying.

"Ah," he sighed. "That's fine. I'm thinking about telling my family about it—of all people Esme deserves to know."

"That's good. Once they know—they'll have the capacity to fully understand," I assured him. He nodded.

We pulled into the parking lot of the school—the routine growing very old. I was thrilled that after this school year I would have the chance to leave this purgatory with the love of my life—maybe also even leaving the constant overcasts and rain. They say Vitamin D is healthy for one's happiness—and I sure wasn't getting enough of that.

Edward and his gallantry—helped me out of the car—keeping his hand around my waist to steady me as we walked up the sidewalk.

I looked up to him for a brief moment—remembering that Alice had borrowed my textbook.

"Oh! Go on to class—I forgot to get something from Alice," I sputtered out—kissing him on the cheek.

"Okay. I'll see you in class," he said, his velvety voice spilling all over me. He brought his face back to mine—finding his soft lips pressed to mine. I melted in his embrace, then remembering the task at hand.

"Okay," I exhaled as I let go—dashing down the hallway to reach Alice's locker.

I cornered the corridor, but I began to feel nervous when I sensed the presence of someone behind me. But…I was on school campus and nothing bad happened in the middle hallway…but I was paranoid I guess.

I felt something push me into the girls bathroom—and I went tumbling across the floor—my head snapping against the tile. I groaned in pain, clenching my hand on my forehead. The familiar sticky substance patted in my hairline made me instantly nauseous.

I looked up, to see the familiar dark blue eyes staring down at me, her body poised in an stance like she was about to pounce me. Her flawless pale face was framed by her strawberry blond hair—and she smirked as she stood over me.

"Hello you little numbskull," she spat, her devious smile fading to a grimace. She took another step toward me, then abruptly ramming her foot into my gut

"Tanya," I choked, my hands now clenching my stomach. I attempted to slide across the floor, but it hurt. She crouched down next to me—brushing my hair out of my face.

"Oh, I wish Edward were here to see this." She sighed deeply, then slapping me across my cheek. "But I'm also glad he isn't." She kicked me again, blood splattering in my mouth.

"Why? Please—stop," I pleaded—which only made her smile grow. Her high heel conveniently sat on my hand—digging itself into it. She was bending me to her will—not letting me fight back. And the aching familiarity of the situation—the feeling—made the darkness inside me swell. And it continued to grow.

"_Why?_" She mocked. "I'll tell you why, _Bell-uh." _Her heel dug into my heel more, causing me to muffle a scream. Why wouldn't my body let me cry for help—let me escape this torture?

_ "Scream, Bella, and I swear I'll kill you," he whispered—his lips lingering on my ear. I shuttered at the feeling—his hands roughly crawling up my back. I muffled a shriek as the darkness engulfed me—the only way I could ever feel even close to the light._

"You stole my Edward. If it weren't for you—he'd be mine! All mine! Not just my friend with benefits—he would have been my true love!" Her free hand grabbed my jaw—squeezing it tight with anger. "But then…this fragile, helpless, shy little girl came along. His eyes always lingering on her as she passed in the hall—a smile crossing his face when ever your name was mentioned. It should have been me being swept away—not you." I could still see the fury in her eyes—but I could also see the sorrow.

"I'm—sorry. But he didn't, and won't love you." Slap.

"You think I don't know that?" she spat. "But I knew him so much longer than you did—and he instantly fell for you. _He _should have been the one saving me from this life—but you ended up saving _him_…" her eyes wandered. "No. No—this is how it should be. When you're gone—"

"Wait, when I'm gone? You're not seriously going to kill me are you?" She smiled.

"Don't think I won't Isabella Swan."

There was no hesitation in her solemn eyes.

"He'll be mine if you're out of the picture," she whispered. She reached into her pocket—and pulled out a small white box cutter.

"Wow…Tanya—you—think…Edward will actually want you if you killed me?" She paused, looking at her hand. The small blade dropped from her trembling hand—and she backed away from me.

"What have…I done?" she muttered in a whisper—primarily to herself. Her hands ran up in down her arms—like she was trying to warm herself up. I was aware that she wasn't standing on me—waiting to hurt me—so I began to crawl weakly out of the bathroom.

"Nu Uh," she said scornfully—pulling me back by my ankles. She kicked me in the gut again, and I felt like I had lost all the feeling except for in my face. I tried to force out a plea, but then I felt the toe of her heal ram itself into my throat. I was unable to escape—to call for help—or anything. I could even see my vision drifting—incinerating into the all too familiar darkness.

"Hey!" A deep voice yelled, but it was blurred with so many sounds—even the incoherent sound of my own mind thinking. But the next thing I knew—the darkness had full engulfed me—but I was being cradled delicately in a pair of warm arms.

_ "Bella."_

_ "Bella."_

_ "Bella."_

_ "Bella."_

_ "Bella."_

_ "Bella."_

My name spun around me—the repetition of the name growing astoundingly obnoxious even though I was nearing complete unconsciousness. I searched the voices, until I found the one that I had been looking for and the only one I wanted to hear.

"Bella," the jumbled velvet voice whispered. I tried to open my mouth—but then I slipped away—but completely holding on to the perfect voice that surrounded me.


	21. Chapter 21 Sorrow

...**I wonder what Edward will do...hmmmm**

**

* * *

Edward Cullen**

**Sorrow  
**

Class was about to begin, and Bella still hadn't arrived in class.

She ran off without saying much except that she needed to get something from Alice, but it had been strangely longer than I assumed. I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was wrong—that Bella was not alright. And with that feeling—I instantly jumped out of my seat—and began to venture the halls.

I peeked down every corner, not caring that I was carelessly brushing shoulders with everyone without a word. As the warning bell for class went off, the halls began to clear and Bella was still nowhere to be seen.

The fluorescents beat against the silvery-like lockers, and only one stood open.

I saw Alice standing in front of her locker—brushing her hair hastily as she tried to keep her purse on her shoulder. She glanced away from the mirror and smiled spastically as she saw me.

"Hey Eddie! I hope you're not skipping." Her expression became grave, but then I absently shook my head, too preoccupied with my worries to ease her presumptions.

"No…" I trailed off. "Bella said she had to get something from you…I can't find her." Alice's face became confused as she pulled out a textbook from her locker.

"Bella was going to get this from me…but I haven't seen her all day."

The weird feeling grew—and I knew for a fact that something was wrong—even though the proof of that was small. Alice hurried to class as I stood in the empty hall. I called out her name, trying to think of where she might go.

"Hey Cullen! Looking for something?" a husky voice called from behind me. I turned around, seeing a vaguely familiar face—his copper skin standing out against his white tee. I glanced at him again, trying to clear my worries (unsuccessfully) and immediately recognized him as Jacob Black—a football player. Apparently a good one…according to the flaunted medal around his neck. I didn't like this show off already.

"Um, yeah…have you happened to see Bella Swan?" I asked quietly, my voice shaking with the evident worry that was pulsing through my veins.

His eyebrows furrowed in response. "No, if you're worried I'll help you look for her." I nodded, and he walked beside me in the hall. I felt a slight spur of jealousy at the thought that he wanted to help me look for her. But then I realized the thought was irrational and shook it off.

As we were walking—Jacob stalled immediately in front of what seemed to be the girl's bathroom. But his face was scrunched as if he was trying to hear something, and I somewhat heard a whine of some sort buzzing through the rain outside.

"It sounds like someone's crying…" he murmured. Thoughts and memories crushed through every portion of my mind. The night in Bella's room, where if I hadn't been there, she may not even be here. Her bleeding—her sobbing in pain.

"No!" I yelled, turning to run to through door—but Jacob had beaten me to it. Now he would too know Bella's secret, and he would see her bleeding herself away.

"Hey!" he yelled furiously, disappearing into the bathroom. I followed after him, breaking out into a run.

As I turned the corner, I saw him prying a familiar head of strawberry curls from a limp, mangled body.

The blood, oh the blood…

"Bella!" My vision blackened for a moment, my whole body feeling numb. But the next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor, Bella's swollen face propped in the crook of my neck. Her face was smeared with crimson, and I furiously fought back the most persistent of tears. I looked across the room, where Jacob had Tanya locked by her shoulders. I could hear her string of profanities, mostly directed toward me, but compared, I could not interpret them.

Time passed strangely, moving slow, but so fast too. I couldn't find the will to say anything but her name, but I had somehow moved her even though I too was limp. I felt as if I was in shock—like I was the one who was just violently beaten. Both Bella and Tanya were taken in two different ambulances, one going to the hospital, the other…a _mental _hospital. I stood outside the school dumbstruck, many gathered around me asking questions. I couldn't take my eyes of my hands.

My palms sickeningly smeared with Bella's fresh red blood. My stomach sank as my eyes moved across my white shirt, the blood stains shaped like her tiny snow white hands. My chest began to heave soundlessly, and a pushed myself away from the mob of children as I tried to regain my sanity.

She'd already been in the hospital, but this time it was _my_ fault.

Tanya would have never snapped if I had never taken an interest in Bella, never fallen in love with her. If I had just remained the way I was, Bella would be safe from my troubles. Safe from Tanya.

Maybe she would be better off without me. Maybe my involvement in her life only added to her grief. Made both of our lives more complicated.

I considered the possibilities, the options that us not being together would and will hold. Maybe at first it would be painful, and maybe it would be a nightmare for a long time. But the long term benefit—Bella wouldn't be stuck with me.

I stared into the gloom of the sky—the clouds a darker grey then I remembered.

I was no prize—nothing to be sought after. It wasn't even sure why Bella even considered loving me in the first place. Like I had contemplated so many times before—I was broken. And she may have stitched me up, but the horrific scars will always remain. The scars that she has been forced to live with.

Would she hurt herself if I was gone? Was it possible that _I _was the truest most defined reason that she stopped? I couldn't imagine the fact being true.

I closed my eyes, automatically seeing Bella's face in my mind. I imagined her eyes lighting up every time she saw me…and peered into the awaiting darkness.

_Bella,_ I tried mentally, the beautiful delusion saddening as she knew the words that were to be thought. _We can't be together. I don't want you. _I forced back the illusion as it became saddened, angry, furious even. But it stuck in my mind.

My stomach ripped even though the words were thought. Memories of Bella crying pained me even more—and I felt my knees grows weak and tremble under me.

I fell to the ground, my palms crushing into the soggy soil.

"I don't want you," I whispered, practicing so hard to make it sound true. But even my voice was shaking with uncertainly, the blasphemy even making me edgy though there were no ears to listen to them.

"Edward!" Alice called, running across the soggy ground to me. I looked up to her face, and she had the most horrified expression. She crouched at my side, and ran her fingers through my hair, which was soaked from an earlier downpour.

"I'm covered…with her," I whispered, looking to my blood smeared hands once again. She took me by the arm, and pulled my empty and limp self away.

She nodded, wrapping her arms comfortingly around me, but I couldn't find the will to return the gesture. She had to be in pain too, Bella was her best friend.

But no doubt I loved her a hundred times more.

"We need to change you, but then we're going to go see Bella." I said not a word, because another word could sway the thoughts of others when my plan would follow through.

_I don't want you. _I repeated the words in my mind, but no repetition or action could ever actually make them as true as they needed to be.

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**This is just everyday Edward. New Moon anybody?**

**Review :)  
**


	22. Chapter 22 Idiot

**I'm so sad this is ending. The final chapter. :(**

**Please enjoy.**

**By the way, Edward is truly an utter idiot but it's hard not to love him!**

**Stephenie's Characters**

**Hoobastank's song**

**My idea!  
**

**

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Bella Swan**

**Idiot  
**

Major déjà vu…

The restraints the deadening unconsciousness held to me slowly began to reign in, and the utter pain absorbed my every thought.

I began to remember every kick to my stomach, every time my head would hit the cold and hard tile of the girl's bathroom. And the memory of the pain also accompanied the pain that remained. It felt as if there was someone trying to tear out of my chest, and my arms. I began to regain control of my body, and managed to open my eyes.

The light burned, so I squinted a long with a groan.

And through the pain, I felt my hand spasm slightly with a squeezing sensation. I opened my eyes a little, and through the burning rays, saw that _someone _was squeezing my hand. It was just a blurry silhouette, but my lips curled into an involuntary smile—which alerted me that I subconsciously remembered the touch.

"Edward," I whispered hoarsely, my vision beginning to focus. I was expecting that crooked smile that would send me into a state of bliss despite my pain…but his face was wrong.

I pushed back the barrier of pain to feel that his hand seemed as it clung to me against its will—like it was limp and numb.

His expression was empty, though his eyes bore into me intensely, which encouraged me. His lips formed into a thin line as my smile too faded.

"How do you feel?" he asked quietly, no signifier of any worry, but concern. I shrugged, but then flinched from the pain. "Yeah, you might not want to move. You have three broken rips and a crack in your collar bone." The words meant nothing but warning, though I listened carefully to the way he said it.

"I…what happened?" I asked, just for the sake to hear his voice. And to find out what happened to the psycho who attacked me.

He sighed, and his eyes burnt with anger. Was it at me? At Tanya?

"Tanya attacked you in the lady's room. Another guy heard you and pried her away for you while I got help." That was all?

"Okay, briefness is always welcomed Edward," I sighed.

"You've been out about a day," he added quickly, looking away from me. And as his eyes left mine, I felt a break inside me, and then became even more broken when his hand let go of mine. I was at a loss of words, so I laid there—stunned—as he stood up gravely.

"Edward, I—" I began to choke, but his eyes moved to me impatiently. He pursed his lips, as if looking for adequate words to say.

"Bella…I need to leave."

I stared at him. Stunned.

"I need to clear my head…so I'm going out of town for spring break," he explained nonchalantly. The words were clear, but at the same time they didn't make any sense.

"Why?" I whispered, my lips finally finding the will to part. But my lungs barely made an effort.

"Nothing makes sense anymore." Your telling me! "I need to get away from here…to think. But I don't think this is working."

I felt the tears flowing to my eyes, but I forced them back, putting up an exterior of anger as best as I could, to hide my undeniable pain.

"You mean _we_ aren't working?" I growled, which seemed to cover up my stutter. He nodded, no hint of sadness. "Do…you not love me?"

My eyes did not budge from his, though they burned to blink. His lips formed into a line, his beautiful green eyes leaving mine solemnly.

"Sometime love isn't enough." My breath hitched in my throat, with a deeper pain than I could have imagined. Everywhere hurt, like every single bone in my body was being repeatedly broken. And with the pain, the tears spilled down my face.

"Of course it's enough!" I yelled, with more anger than I intended. "I love you!"

"Me being with you has complicated everything," he muttered, his eyes burning with flaring emotion.

"Oh, so I'm a complication?" I demanded, sitting up straight in the bed despite the actual physical pain.

"No, _I _am."

"Don't be a martyr Edward. You know that you've been nothing but good to me."

His mask of annoyance broke, and his lips pulled over his teeth. I saw his weakness, and if I didn't take advantage of it—he might leave me.

"This whole sufferer's role is really hinging on what you used to be. What you used to do, say, think, even feel," his face turned to the pained expression, to a scowl of sadness. I reached my bandaged hand to his, and took it. Though my fingertips were the only part of me that brushed against him, I still got the same burning sensation electrify through the surface of my skin. "For so long, I think you have been accustomed to a certain though, or more of a cliché—go figure—that people don't and can't change.

"Edward," I said his name slowly through my tears, putting away my anger to suffice as much admiration and adoration as I possibly could. "People change…you changed. You can't leave, because…well…I have changed too. This new me, I guess you could say, _adapted _to you and the calming and loving environment you sent me happily plummeting into. Without you, I could have never found myself."

"And without you," he interrupted, his eyes meeting mine. He pulled my hand to his heart, holding it there for a long moment. "I could of never found myself either."

"Cliché," I muttered under my breath, but then smiling. "I love you."

His eyes glimmered, and then a smile came to his face—stretching uncontrollably. Even the corners of his eyes creased with joy.

"I love you, too." He leaned toward me, and his breath washing over my face.

"Hold on, my breath probably reeks," I sputtered, feeling dizziness by his presence. He chuckled angelically, putting his hand on my cheek.

"You know, I don't really care." And without even having a chance to protest, his lips crushed into mine. It felt as heavenly as it always did, and hopefully always will. An eternal state of bliss—perpetually and irrevocably perfect.

And the best thing was…I was pretty sure Edward felt the same way.

**Edward Cullen (1 week later)**

I anxiously awaited at the foot of the stairs, not sure if the anxiety was caused by the utter worry for what my sister was bringing upon my girlfriend…or excitement to see what magic my sister had worked to make my girlfriend feel as marvelous as I always knew she was. I sighed impatiently, messing with the collar of my old friend: the leather jacket.

It was the closing weekend of our last spring break—and Alice was hosting one of her infamous parties. She had taken Bella's "suggestion" seriously, and the theme of the part was: "The Bad." Bella had been so excited to see me in my stressed jeans and tattered jacket, and I wondered if I should wear it more often just to get the ravenous stare that looked like she wanted to jump me.

But the less I wore it, the more excited she would get when I did. Clever, Edward, clever….

I heard the familiar uneven tip-taps of high heels, made by Bella's stumbling in them obviously. I smiled to myself, looking up the stair.

And I was greeted with the sight of a different kind of angel…the kind that was, er, bad.

Her hair was straightened to her sides, and she wore a blood red mini skirt. She wore a similar jacket to mine, but it was tight on her shoulders like any _new _jacket would be. But it was also tight on her because of the cast she had around her chest due to her broken ribs.

She smiled when she saw me, and before taking her first step down the stairs, winked at me. My heart pounded uncontrollably in my chest. She was at the last few steps, just steps away from me who stood at the bottom. I felt my mouth pop open as the angel approached, and she blushed intensely. And then she tripped right into my open arms.

"Just me, or is this déjà vu?" she whispered through a nervous laugh.

"Yes, I vaguely remember a situation like this," I chuckled. "But I don't think I was privileged enough to do this." I pressed my lips gently into hers, but then she through her arms around me, bringing us closer.

"Ouch," she muttered, before pulling away. It was hard to remember she still had so many broken bones. "I hate being broken." She pouted discouragingly, which caused me to laugh.

"C'mon, lets go dance."

"You don't know me at all, Edward," she groaned.

"It's all in the leading, Bella! I've never got to dance with you before!"

"Um," she sputtered, looking around. "My jackets to tight. I feel—cough—choked." She smiled, but I looked at her accusingly.

"Then you'll wear mine." I slid my jacket from her shoulders, replacing it with mine. She shrugged into it, a smile coming across her face. I took her hand, and smiled the smile that always made her fluttered.

"Dance with me," I whispered. She nodded wordlessly.

Suddenly, a song that I used to hate came on—and it wasn't until now that I was able to embrace the true meaning of it. The feelings deep inside that were raw—true. They were prominent with Bella, the perfect song to describe it.

_I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do_

"I love this song," Bella murmured into my chest, clinging to me as if she had gotten weak.

"Me too." I began to murmur the lyrics in her ear, speaking the words as if they were my own.

_But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know…._

_ I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
And the reason is you_

I continued singing the song to her, and near the end, I pulled her away to sing the last chorus—just for her.

_I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you_

_ "_The reason _is _you Bella."

I pulled her into my chest, and her head laid comfortably against me as we swayed to the music. I put my lip at her ear, nipping at it as I kissed the side of her head.

"Somehow, I think I believe you," she mused.

"If you had never come into my life, I'd be what I used to be. Must I repeat myself? You're the reason for all that I do."

"So cliché, Edward," she sighed, snaking her arms around my neck and pressing her perfect full lips to mine. I smiled as I saw our lives vividly flashing and morphing together. If there was anything that was going to last forever—it was us. She was my fresh start—my redo. And I think I did it right. I would never screw it up again.

I loved her too much to give up on everything that was me.

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**I'm going to write an epilogue sooner or later...which may turn into a sequel. **

**I hope you enjoyed!**


	23. Epilogue: I Feel Your Shame

**I'm really excited to get some feedback about the story, like creating a sequel perhaps? I feel really guilty for discontinuing two of my other stories (one was a sequel to Equinox), but I feel really strongly about an All Human story right now. I'm back in the place, and I'll tell you something, I haven't even touched this fanfic for a couple of months. I went back and read it and it sounded like my writing, well, from like a year ago. I am always growing I guess. Maybe you'll see a drastic difference in this Epilogue (I just wrote it today) which I tried to capture every emotion...but I decided to do it in all Bella POV. I don't like switching when there is only a couple thousand words in the doc.**

**Tell me what you like about the epilogue and at least 5 things you want out of a sequel. 5 THINGS!**

**Also, I think this will also be part of chapter one of the sequel....which reminds me of another name. WHAT WOULD A TITLE BE!?!  
**

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**Bella Swan**

** I Feel Your Shame  
**

I could see him visibly gnawing on his bottom lip—though I was hesitant to tell him to stop. He had a pretty good reason to be either terribly nervous…or anxious—whatever he was feeling. The two feelings were usually on the same page for him, I'd learned. Little things like the way he pinched the bridge of his nose when he was annoyed, or when he ran his hand through his mess of a hair when he was embarrassed, assured me that I knew Edward better than myself. I smiled quietly.

He saw that.

"What are you smiling about?" he asked, confused, seeming the situation we, or he rather, were in wasn't exactly one to be smiling about.

"Sorry, my mind just went somewhere else." He raised his eyebrows in interest, prompting me to say more. "Well, er, that I know you better than anyone. Including myself." The words were comfortable, but the look on his face as I said them made the blood rush to my cheeks.

Edward's hands grabbed hold of mine, tracing circles on my palm with his index finger.

"Weirdly, it seems I feel the exact same about you, Bella," he said through his smile. I could still see the—yes—anxiety in his eyes, the loving façade breaking only after a moment.

"Edward, relax, okay? This is your family. They love you, and probably will appreciate the insight." I reached my hand up to his cheek—my fingers wrapping themselves around his jaw. I leaned up on the balls of my feet, kissing him lightly—quickly—on the lips.

"I know, I know," he chanted against my cheek. "I am just so…unsure of how they will take this. Will they be angry? Sorrowful?"

"I'm sure they will be. But not at _you_."

We had been standing in Edward's room for a long while, as I tried to settle his nerves. We were waiting for all the Cullen's to arrive—Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Emmett. Edward's closest family. He had made a promise to me to tell his family about his past. His secret that only a handful of people knew about (which solemnly excluded his family).

I knew the feeling, feeling so much shame, not being able to talk to anyone. That was, until I met Edward. He was just as dysfunctional as I was, if not worse. Drugs, alcohol—you name it. But somehow, and thank heavens for this, I pulled him from the dark. He said _I _was his light—the sun. I disagree; I believe I was just the flashlight leading him out of the dark. It was then he found his sun, I being just a mere illumination in the shadows.

We'd heard the door open and close a few times, which signaled that Carlisle had come home from the hospital, Emmett coming back from his conditioning (go figure, he had full football scholarship), and Alice coming back from her job at the mall in Port Angles. Edward said that he only wanted to explain all of this thoroughly once. I sympathized with him—something so…painful…wasn't easy to share more than once.

"Are you ready?" I whispered to him, running my hand down his shoulder. He closed his eyes, exhaling a long breath as he nodded.

"I think I am." I half smiled, talking him by the hand and pulling him down the stairs—heading for the living room.

His pulse was pounding uncontrollably—even I could tell just by squeezing his hand comfortingly. As he sat down on the couch, I remained standing and I walked to the kitchen. Apparently the heart of the house—where Esme was always cooking, Alice cleaning, and Carlisle and Emmett eating. I leaned against the door frame and smiled as I saw them hovering around the island in the center of the kitchen.

"Hey Bella," Alice chimed, dancing to where I was standing to give me a hug. "When did you get here? I didn't hear you come in." I blushed, really for no real reason, and released her from my embrace.

"I've been here a couple of hours, with Edward," I told her nonchalantly.

"Hours? With Edward?" Emmett gaffed, covering his mouth to keep from food splattering across the counter.

I crossed my arms around my chest and blushed deeply, my eyes dashing—looking for something to throw my boyfriend's stupid, perverted brother.

Suddenly, I saw I metal pan, in perfect reach….

"Emmett!" Esme scolded, smacking him upside the head as she frowned. Carlisle sat wordless, muffling his own laugh.

"It's alright," I mumbled, "Edward wants to speak to you guys. All of you," my tone sounded very serious, though I was sure that the blush still hadn't faded from my cheeks. I went ahead and walked back to the living room to take my place next to Edward. He hadn't budged from the place he was when he sat down. Only did he move when I sat down just centimeters away—and pulled me almost into his lap. I tucked my face into the crook of his neck, perfectly at peace.

One by one, the Cullens toted into the room, sitting down on the couch across from the loveseat where Edward and I sat. They all looked confused—focused on Edward's mindless daze. He swallowed audibly, patting my knee as he cleared his throat.

"So you are probably wondering what you are doing here…." He spoke low, his perfect velvet voice almost cracking.

They nodded silently, and Alice piped up.

"Please Edward, your sweating like you just ran ten miles, get on with it!"

He chuckled lightly, indeed whipping the beads of sweat from his forehead with the end of his sleeve. He looked to me and I nodded to encourage him.

"I know that…who I used to be…is pretty fresh in your minds. Even though to me, that seems like a completely different life. My dark age." His eyes flashed to me, smiling crookedly. Once again, I could read his eyes, I was his sun. My cheeks burned a little. "I never told you why. For the longest time, I never told _anyone. _I felt so much shame—anger at myself. _You _could never really appreciate that that though. All that I ever really revealed to all of you was my anger at the world. My need to comfort myself.

"I don't know exactly where to begin…." I gave him my full attention, looking directly into his eyes—which were elsewhere—seeing they were glazed with tears.

"How about the beginning. When you started being…not you…six years ago," Esme suggested quietly. Then she, along with all the others, fell silent.

"Well…do you guys remember James?" he asked innocently, trying to unclench his jaw. I squeezed his hand, causing him to relax. He took another deep breath and waited for an answer.

"Your cousin? That died?" Carlisle inquired quietly, his forehead creasing in thought. Then his eyebrows rose, and his voice went up about ten notches. "Did that _damn_ _junkie_ get you hooked on that crack, Edward?" I saw everyone being tense. I knew from what Edward told me, he easily jumped to conclusions. In a way, you could say, it was that mans fault Edward got hooked.

"No, Dad, listen please. He didn't give me anything. I don't think he was even on drugs when he was…living with us." Carlisle relaxed, still focused on what he was saying. Alice and Emmett were speechless as they watched Edward. Esme looked terribly heartbroken. "He…was drawn to me. Nobody else—just me. I felt like I had a brother, sorry Em, but you were mean to me back then." Emmett shrugged.

"Sorry Bro," he murmured.

"That's really not the point though. He treated me like _I w_as special. I always felt like the middle child even though Alice and I are the same age. I have no hard feelings—but you were Mom's little dress up princess, and Emmett, you were the athlete. You were Dad's pride—still are."

"We are proud of you…now," Esme chimed, Carlisle nodding in agreement.

"I _know _that at this moment. But imagine being twelve, wedged between elementary school and junior high, trying to get past all the pressures…not exactly getting the full attention I _desired_. James gave me the time of day. I thought that he _cared_ about me—since he ignored Alice and Emmett. I felt_ special. _But…it was different, and I didn't see that until later. He was obsessed with me and very, very controlling.

"And it wasn't just emotionally…it was…um…_sexually,"_ I could see a few tears run down his cheek, "he did things to me. And he said that if I screamed, he'd kill me. But, I knew it wasn't right. I wasn't _stupid. _So I screamed for help, and he…nearly did kill me."

For a while they all stared in shock. Edward had buried his face in his hands, stifling his choking sobs. I wrapped my arms around him, not being able to find the right words to say.

"When did he…almost kill you? Wouldn't we remember that?" Alice muttered quietly, breaking the silence. Edward looked up—his eyes bloodshot.

"I'm not able to describe the insurmountable shame I felt, after being…tainted….He had stabbed me in the gut. I had to cover it up. I flung myself down a steep hill in the woods where it happened. I was numb throughout the fall—though I vividly remember being pierced repeatedly by twigs and sticks sticking up off the ground. The stab wound was just the biggest wound—the only one that left a scar."

He lifted up his shirt—just like he had when he told me the awful story—and showed the two-inch-long scar along the plain of his muscular abs. He ran his finger across the mark, shuttering as he did. It was a permanent reminder—and I knew that. I felt a shiver as I glanced quickly down to the scar on my wrist. Of course my scar was different. It was what I had done to myself over the pain—not _the_ pain.

"Edward, why didn't you ever tell us? Anyone?" Esme was crying, wiping the tears from her rosy cheeks with the end of her sweater. "We wouldn't have done anything to you. We would have done something to that…."

"Bastard," Emmett disguised his mutter as a cough sarcastically. I nodded in agreement. Then Carlisle spoke.

"This explains a lot. But son, we _love _you. We could have helped you, and then this would have never happened."

"I know that Dad, and I regret every second of my life spent trying to run away from my problems than facing them. But you see…I thought it was my fault. I believed that I must have been some kind of freak to let him do that, even though he threatened me. I felt weak. Miniscule. Emasculate." He sighed. "I didn't want anyone to know."

I knew I could relate to the feeling.

"I'm sorry; I wish I could have seen the signs. I misunderstood rebellion…for pain. I misread my own failures as a cry for help," Carlisle whispered.

"I should have known, Edward. I knew that your behavior was so different. I just didn't see…that James…when you were so happy when he died. It didn't make sense…." Esme withdrew a deep breath, standing up and coming over to Edward. "I'm here for you, baby, now I understand." She took him in her arms, and at first Edward didn't reciprocate, but then he began to embrace her. I saw her smile, tears still running down her cheeks.

"Come on, Eddy, give your brother a hug," Emmett sighed when Esme let go of him. That was the first time I'd ever seen Emmett be so serious. I was actually impressed.

Alice wordlessly wrapped both of her arms around her brothers. She pecked them both on the cheeks, letting go and smiling. Nearly a mirror of Esme, tears rolled down her cheeks.

"I have to thank you Alice. You were the one person who kept me from wasting myself completely away," Edward said lovingly to his sister.

"I'm not completely the reason," Alice murmured, flashing a smile to me. I blushed, as the entire family came over and hugged_ me. _First Emmett, taking me in a huge bear hug, and the putting a big kiss on the top of my head.

"Your like the little sister I never had Bells," he laughed. "Thanks for bringing back my only brother.

"Hey! I'm the little sister you _do _have!" Alice objected, hitting him with a small punch in his shoulder. "But thank you Bella. I feel the same way; you are like my sister—my best friend. I think I can speak for all of us when I say we're in debt to you for everything you've done for Edward."

"She does speak for all of us, doesn't she?" Carlisle laughed, hugging me as well. "The Cullen spokesperson. Thank you."

"I really didn't do much…."

Esme wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tightly, "Love and compassion is all some people really need. Thank you, Bella."

I was tearing up by the time Edward had snaked his hand around my waist and whispered in my ear, "I love you." It was his soft words that sent me over the edge, pouring tears into his tee-shirt.

"Sorry about ruining another shirt," I muttered in my nasal crying voice.

"As long as the tears are yours, and are tears of happiness, I'm all good," he chuckled. He took his index finger and tilted my chin up to look at him. The perfect beauty of his smile lit me up inside. And, as he pressed his lips to mine, I became composed of pure fire—the flame of him burning me to the core.

"I love you," I murmured against his lips. He smiled, pressing my face against his even more passionately.

After that day, I knew that my life was everything with him in it. Everything worth living with him present.

I would live as long as I knew he loved me, and that would never change.

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**Remember...5 things you want from a sequel...and then a title perhaps?**

**Thank you for standing with me as I have written this story. It means so much to me that people take the time to read my crappy work. I love you all (in a non-weird way) and wish a great and happy life for y'all!!**


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